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From Fire And Brimstone To Rainbows

, , , , , , , | Friendly | December 3, 2021

Back in college, there was a very loud religious advocacy group that would visit campus, set up their speakers, and “preach” the gospel to the students passing by. Now, I say “preach” because it was less “Glory to God who loves you!” and more “You’re all going to Hell because of who you are! Change your minds or burn!”

One such day, they set up right outside our performance center. It was obviously intentional, as a majority of the performance majors were part of the LGBT community, and the theater majors were not happy about having their space taken over. I had a class in the building behind the performance center, so I walked by the crowd gathering.

One of the advocates had a mic in one hand and was holding hands with a young woman I have seen in a few theater productions. The advocate seemed to be praying while the young woman stood there, half-smiling and nearly crying.

Advocate: “Lord, help this girl see the error of her ways! Help her, God, to see that her homosexual fornications are not what you want for her, but that she is here to bear children with a man, to love his family, to—”

Young Woman: *With a very dramatic tone* “Lord! You died for me!”

Surprised, the advocate shook her arm almost violently.

Advocate: “Yes… Yes, He did! He did die for you! The Lord loves you, child! Spread the word!”

The advocate passed his mic to the young woman, who stepped forward proudly.

Young Woman: “Jesus died for the gays! He loves us!”

There was a cheer from the crowd. The advocate dropped her hand and glared at her. I don’t know what he was trying to say because he was drowned out by the screaming crowd. The young woman took a bow and walked away. I went on my way to class, but when I came back, the advocacy group had packed up and left campus. They came back a few more times over the years and the message never changed, but I don’t think they tried to openly save anyone after that.

Because Colors Have Sexual Orientations Now

, , , , | Right | November 13, 2021

A suggestion on a client consultation:

Client: “The client’s gay so maybe add some colour.”

Trying To Penetrate His Reasons

, , , , | Right | November 12, 2021

I create a slide deck for a client and am given this feedback:

Client: This word analysis. Change it to survey or review or something.

Me: “What’s the reason?”

Client: “Well, I’m not gay or anything like that, but all I see when I read the word analysis is anal.”

Me: “Would you be satisfied with probe?”

This Hetero Seems Upsetero

, , , , , , , | Friendly | November 8, 2021

I regularly have to go to hospital for eye checks, and my husband usually comes with me. On one of the appointments, I had to fill in a standard diversity form. I went in for my appointment, and my husband stayed in the waiting room, where he overheard an old lady and her daughter discussing the form. The daughter was reading the form out to the old lady and filling it in depending on the old lady’s answers.

He told me afterward that one answer caught his attention.

Daughter: “What sexual orientation do you identify as, Mother?”

Old Lady: “Er… What are the options?”

Daughter: “You’re heterosexual, aren’t you?”

Old Lady: *Indignant* “No, I am not! I like MEN!”

That’s One Woman We Hope Doesn’t Reproduce

, , , , | Working | October 25, 2021

I’m infertile, I’m pretty open about it, and I have a unisex name. I have a coworker who’s pretty transphobic. She goes on a rant about it after an actress comes out as a trans woman.

Coworker #1: “…and, at the end of the day, they’ll never be able to reproduce, so they’ll never be real women. Biological men can’t reproduce and that’s a fact!”

Me: “I’m pretty sure biological men play a key part in reproduction and thus do reproduce.”

Coworker #1: *Splutters* “I meant they can’t get pregnant.”

Me: “Neither can I. Does that mean you class me as a man?”

Coworker #1: “I didn’t say that!”

Coworker #2: “You most definitely said that people who can’t reproduce aren’t real women and can’t ever be.”

Me: “Good thing my name is so versatile.”

Coworker #2: “And here I thought I was going to start calling you Bert.”

Me: “Bert is a good name. But still, I’m not sure I like being a man.”

Coworker #1: “I wasn’t trying to say you were a man.”

Coworker #2 & Me: “But you did.”

Me: “Guess I’m Bert now.”

Even after [Coworker #1] decided to leave — following a transwoman being hired — [Coworker #2] still calls me Bert.