(Everyone I work with knows I’m gay. A customer has just paid for her order.)

Customer: “Stop staring at my boobs!”

Me: “Huh?”

Customer: “You heard me!”

Me: “Lady, I was just counting the money you gave me.”

Customer: “No, you were staring at my boobs and pretending to count the money. Let me talk to your manager right now! I’m going to get you fired!”

(Before I can say anything, one of my male coworkers comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my chest.)

Coworker: “I’m the manager. Are you bothering my boyfriend?”

Customer: *takes her food and leaves*

Coworker’s girlfriend, to me: “Hey, wanna come over tonight?”

(Keep in mind I’m gay, although it’s not too obvious.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Ice Cream Shop]. What can I help you out with today?”

Customer: “Hey there, I was wondering if I could have a raspberry sorbet in a sugar cone?”

Me: “Cool. That’s going to be $1.39.”

Customer: *seductive voice* “I was hoping you could lower the price for me. I’m a little low, if you know what I mean…”

(The customer unbuttons the top two buttons on her blouse and bites her lip at me.)

Me: “Ehhh. Sorry, ma’am. I can’t fall for that.”

Customer: “What’s the matter? A little shy?” *bounces her boobs in my face*

Me: “Because that’s not ethical, and I don’t like boobs.”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “I’m gay.”

Customer: “Oh, my god! You’re sick! And you looked down my shirt, you pervert!”

Me: “You undid your shirt to get free ice cream!”

Customer: “Oh, my god, sickos like you are just… just SICK! All men are filthy dogs. All you think about are naked girls and sex! I’m calling your manager to tell him what gross, perverted employees he has!” *leaves*

Me: *to Coworker* “That… that wasn’t right, was it?”

Coworker: “You should put that on NotAlwaysRight.”

Me: “I think I will.”

(She never did call our manager.)

(This is an adult store in Los Angeles. Enter a fat, balding guy in his 40s.)

Guy: “Hello, Miss.”

Me: “Good morning.”

Guy: “Do you have any–HOLY S***! You’re a girl!”

Me: “I am?”

Guy: “Shouldn’t you be at home, getting ready for your husband, cooking or something?”

Me: “I burn salads. My WIFE tends to cook more.”

Guy: “Holy s***! You’re a heathen!”

Me: “Doom upon me. What was it you wanted?”

Guy: “Whatever. Got any Bibles?”

(I’m a transgender woman working in a call center. My name is an androgynous name, so for legal reasons, I still use the male name when greeting customers.)

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. [My Name] speaking. How can I help you today?”

Sexist Caller: “You can’t help me. Get me someone who can.”

Me: “I’m sure I can assist you, sir; what is the problem today?”

Sexist Caller: “I ain’t talking to you!”

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Sexist Caller: “I ain’t talking to no girl.”

(This causes me to both be glad that my voice passes for female on the phone, but really pisses me off because of how horrible the caller is… but I will have my revenge.)

Me: “I’m terribly sorry to hear that, sir. Are you sure?”

Sexist Caller: “Get me a man, d*** it!”

Me: “Okay, sir, let me see what I can do. Please hold.”

(I put him on hold. I then spend the next few minutes eating a snack, reading some webcomics, etc. I then clear my throat, and hit the button to take him off hold.)

Me: *with my old male voice this time* “Thank you for calling technical support. This is [My Name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Sexist Caller: “Oh, thank god. I thought I was gonna be stuck with that b****.”

Me: “Understandable, sir; she’s not that good a technician.”

Sexist Caller: “You guys got the same name. You related or something?”

Me: “No way, thank God… ”

(I proceeded to reinstall his operating system from where he had totally screwed it up. I got written up for this, all while the manager was laughing and apologizing that he had to do it.)

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