Aw, They’re Just Gals Being Pals

, , , , , , , , | Friendly | October 23, 2020

I’m waiting in line at the airport and I strike up a conversation with a woman in front of me. Another woman walks up who is obviously travelling with the first woman.

I step out of the way to let them stand together.

Me: “Oh, sorry about that. I didn’t mean to separate you from your…?”

The guy behind me lets out a disgusted sigh.

Guy: “Friend. They’re friends! My God, why do people have to be so stupidly PC all the time?! Now we have to go around assuming that any two people might be gay instead of just normal friends!”

Woman #1: “I mean, we are best friends.”

The guy gives me a smug look.

Woman #1: “That’s why we got married.”

This story is part of our Best Of October 2020 roundup!

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Have A Good-Bi While You’re At It

, , , , , , , | Working | September 20, 2020

This wouldn’t be much of a story if it wasn’t for who it happened to.

Anyone who works retail knows that when you say a thing so often that it becomes habitual, you tend to speed through it. Part of my spiel after serving someone is, “Have a good day!” 

Of course, those words getting rather smushed together means my genius mouth comes out with, “Have a gay!”

This has happened twice.

The first time was to two little old ladies, who, thankfully, didn’t seem to notice and left.

The second time was to the local priest, who stopped and stared at me as I froze.

My boss gave me an extra break because he was laughing so hard he had to go hide out the back for a bit.

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Not Quite What They Meant By “Immaculate Conception”

, , , , | Healthy | August 26, 2020

I’ve been in the ER enough to know that there is no avoiding the “you’re a woman; you must be pregnant” song and dance, despite the multiple variables that stand in the way of me personally conceiving. I’ve started having fun with my answers.

Nurse: “Is there any chance you might be pregnant?”

Me: “Nope.”

Nurse: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Positive. Unless… babe, did your lack of penis knock me up again?”

Wife: “I’ve gotta stop doing that.”

On another occasion:

Nurse: “Is there any chance you might be pregnant?”

Me: “I’m on a few different birth controls, so I really hope not.”

Nurse: “What method of birth control do you use?”

Me: “An IUD and lesbianism. I really hope that second one still works.”

On one memorable occasion, the nurse replied, “Girl, me, too!”

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Everyone’s Got Baggage, Not Just Orphans

, , , , | Related | July 31, 2020

I’m at a friend’s house. Her aunt is currently visiting. My friend is a lesbian, and this aunt has been giving my friend a hard time about her homosexuality. While she is not totally homophobic, she just doesn’t understand what it means. I’m a witness to the following exchange.

Aunt: “I still can’t understand why you wouldn’t even try to find a husband. I’m sure if you found the right person—”

Friend: “[Aunt], I’m lesbian; you know that. I’m not attracted to men. Like, at all.”

Aunt: “But you are a woman. It is your God-given duty to marry a man and have children!”

Friend: “At this day and age, that’s just nonsense.”

Aunt: “Don’t you want to start a family and have children?” 

Friend: “At some point, I might.”

Aunt: *Triumphantly* “Well, how can you have children if you don’t have a husband? Don’t tell me you’re thinking about going to a sperm bank. That’s gross and unnatural.”

Friend: “If I decide to have children, I’ll adopt.”

Aunt: “Adopt? Why?”

Friend: “There are enough children out there who don’t have parents. I don’t need to make more. Besides, if I adopt an older child, I don’t need to bother with not being able to sleep at night and having to change diapers all the time.”

Aunt: “But adopted children often have… issues.”

My friend takes a moment to understand what she means and process the statement.

Friend: “[Aunt], I have ADD and PTSD, I was born with diabetes, and I’m allergic to half of the things on the planet! I’d say I have more issues than most orphans, and I’m home-grown.”

Her aunt didn’t say anything after that. But from what I’m told, that wasn’t the first or last time she brought that up.

To clarify, my friend’s PTSD comes from her home burning down when she was little. She never fully got over it and is still very afraid of fire.

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He Actually Found The Gay Police

, , , , , | Right | July 25, 2020

This takes place in the late 1990s, while I am employed by a large county law enforcement agency as a deputy. I am working an off-duty assignment at the LGBT pride festival. I am gay, and out to my department, as are several dozen other officers and deputies from neighboring departments.

We are all in our respective uniforms, doing crowd and traffic control within and around the parade route and festival grounds. There are several right-wing organizations there both protesting and proselytizing. One of their members approaches me and speaks.

Protester: “This is really sort of sad, isn’t it?” 

Me: “What?” 

Protester: “That they are making you come out here and witness all this debauchery and perversion, and on the taxpayer’s dime, too!”

Me: “Um, actually, the organizers and sponsors of the parade are paying the respective cities and counties for the use of the officers. Furthermore, we’re all volunteers to this duty; nobody’s forced to be here. Do you have a point otherwise?” 

Protester: “But don’t you think it’s a little excessive for all these policemen to be here for this?! I mean, you guys are supposed to be on the side of good! Of law and order and right, not… this… homosexual fest thing.”

As he’s talking, my partner of seven years has come up behind him and is listening to his drivel. My partner then steps around the protester, wraps his arm around me, and kisses me on the cheek.

Protester:Oh, my God! He could give you AIDS! You should arrest him! Right now!

Me: “For what, exactly? You want me to arrest my boyfriend? Last I checked, it was perfectly legal to kiss your boyfriend.”

The protester is speechless; he is making noise but no words are coming out. Finally, he gets hold of his tongue.

Protester: “You are lying! Policemen are not allowed to be homosexuals! Lying when you’re a police officer is a felony! I’ll have your job!” 

Me: “No, you’re wrong. I’m not lying, I’m gay, and I’m allowed to be whatever I’d like to be. Secondly, it’s only a felony if the lie is told under oath, but since I’m not lying, it’s a moot point. Third, what is an offense is loitering without intent to patronize, which is what you’re doing.” 

Protester: “What? I’m not breaking any laws. I’m allowed to be here!” 

Me: “Great! Which bar are you patronizing?”

All of the bars in the area are gay and lesbian bars.

Protester: “Oh, I wouldn’t dare go in any of those places! They’re evil and disgusting.”

Me: “So… you’re not patronizing any of the bars?”

Protester: “Heavens, no.”

Me: “Okay, well, then, you need to leave or go into one of the bars. It’s against the law to be out here solely for the purpose of harassing law-abiding citizens. If you fail to leave, I’ll arrest you and charge you with trespassing, loitering, and failure to obey a peace officer, which is also a felony. The exit, dear sir, is that way.”

I point it out to him.

Me: “Oh, and do take your friends with you, as I’m going to be advising them of the same. You have a wonderful day.”

He left without further issue. My boyfriend and his friends waved and invited him not to come back next year.

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