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When He Tried To Be Both Trick AND Treat

, , , , , , , | Healthy | October 31, 2022

I’m an ER nurse and it is Halloween, so we have been getting some rather colorful patients. I am doing intake and a group of gay men wearing animal costumes approaches, all looking rather sheepish. One of them is wearing a towel around his midsection.

Me: “What’s the reason you’re here, so I can give you the correct intake form?”

Man #1: “Well, my friend here wanted to wear a tail to the club, y’know, to have the best costume.”

Me: “Okay?”

Man #1: “And he… well… he wanted to make it, like… interactive with some of the guys at the club, and…”

Me: *Picks up a specific form* “Okay, so it’s a ‘removal’ procedure? Did he use lube?”

Man #1: “Wait… how did you know?”

Me: “Animal tail attached to a butt plug that gets stuck? Happens every Halloween.”

Man #2: “So… I’m not the first?”

Me: “Oh, honey. You’re not even the first tonight.”

Seriously… every d*** Halloween.

Well, With Ken, We All Kinda Knew

, , , , , | Right | October 25, 2022

I worked in a thrift store when I was in college. We would get donations of old Barbie and Ken dolls all the time. They were usually in rough shape and missing clothes, so we would throw them in a bin and charge fifty cents a doll.

Customer: “Excuse me! It’s p*rnographic to put the male and female dolls in the same bin naked like that!”

I separated them into separate bins at the request of my boss. The customer came in the next day and saw the Ken pile.

Customer: “Well, that’s no good! Now it just looks like gay p*rn!”

Unable To Rock & Roll With It

, , , , , , , | Right | October 10, 2022

I drive a taxi. One evening, I picked up three men who were all around thirty. They asked me to take them to a well-known gay bar in downtown Copenhagen.

They asked if they could listen to some music. My radio wasn’t working properly, so all I had was my own CD in the CD player. That day, I happened to be listening to Volbeat, which is a bit on the heavy side.

They complained that they don’t want to listen to heavy rock, so I turned it off again. A moment later, they wanted to listen to it anyway, so I turned on the music again. Two minutes later, they again decided that they didn’t want to listen to heavy rock. Again, I turned off the music. When they changed their mind yet again a minute or two later, I just ignored them, as we were only a few minutes from their destination.

When I didn’t turn on the music again at their request, one of them shouted “hate crime” several times. That he used such a term just because he didn’t get everything his own way actually shocked me.

To me, a term like that is not something you should use lightly.

Cause A Meltdown And Watch Your Whole Life Melt Down

, , , , , , , , , , | Romantic | October 7, 2022

My boyfriend of two years and I have recently moved in together. However, as rent in our area is not cheap, we both need to be working full-time. I am a math teacher at a private school, and my boyfriend has been unemployed and living with his parents since he graduated from college. Now that he’s living with me, I expect him to pitch in financially.

It’s a bit like pulling teeth at first, but soon, he starts applying and getting interviewed for jobs. He’s a pretty smart, easy-going dude who just needs to be pushed a bit to get out of his comfort zone. After a few weeks of job hunting, he receives an offer for an executive assistant position at a local law firm, which he accepts. It’s excellent pay for the honor of running errands, making copies, and getting the lawyers’ coffee. Plus, it’s good hours, so he still has lots of time to chill out at home.

My boyfriend has a sense of humor that is very hit or miss. He’s accidentally burned some pretty important bridges in his life, due to not always “reading the room.” I’ve been working with him a lot on that, and the night before his first day of work, I remind him not to get too chummy with his new coworkers and superiors and keep working on understanding social cues. Then, I pack him lunch because I love him and see him off the next morning with a kiss.

I head to work, which wraps up about two hours before he’s done, and drive home… only to find my boyfriend sitting on the couch, eating dry cereal. I ask him without hesitation what happened.

Boyfriend: “I got fired.”

Me: “What?! But you only just started!”

Boyfriend: “I know.”

I’m ready to raise h*** in defense of my boyfriend… that is until he tells me the whole story. It turns out that one of the lawyers’ sons works the front desk at the firm and also happens to be on the spectrum. [Lawyer’s Son] is good at his job, but his father warned my boyfriend about one thing.

Lawyer: “We have a no-dog policy because of [Lawyer’s Son]. That means that no clients bring dogs in, no photos of dogs, nothing. He’s deathly afraid of them. Even the sound of a dog barking can set him off. He’s had a bad history with dogs, so please be mindful.”

That’s not too bad of a restriction, I think. My chill, seemingly awesome boyfriend can handle these instructions, right? Wrong. Turns out, as he was leaving for his lunch break, he thought it would be hilarious to show [Lawyer’s Son] a video of a young puppy squealing for its food. It apparently caused such a meltdown that [Lawyer’s Son] needed to go home early, and my boyfriend was fired effective immediately by phone call as he was ordering his lunch.

As soon as he’s done regaling me with this shocking saga, he looks up at me as if expecting sympathy. Au contraire, mon ami. I am f****** LIVID.

Me: “So, let me see if I got this. You managed to land a job that pays you well, has flexible hours, and even provides you benefits. I tell you to remember to be respectful on your first day. And you promptly traumatize a f****** coworker mere hours after you start — whose dad you work for, mind you — and you think that’s gonna fly?!”

Boyfriend: “I didn’t think it was that serious!”

He had every excuse prepared for me — that the phobia couldn’t have been that bad, that the puppy in the video wasn’t threatening at all, that [Lawyer’s Son] was overreacting, etc. I didn’t buy any of it. He slept on the couch that night, and I deeply reconsidered the whole arrangement.

HE ultimately broke up with ME because I was “too harsh on him” and “acted too much like his mom” when he subsequently slacked off on any further job hunting.

Last I heard, he was living in a mobile home with some college buddies, making minimum wage. I wound up rooming with a woman whom I ended up marrying. I eventually stopped by the law firm to apologize for my now ex-boyfriend’s behavior. It turns out that [Lawyer’s Son] volunteers for a cat shelter — he has no problem with our feline friends — and my wife and I have adopted two cats from the same organization based on his referral. Livin’ the dream!

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We Just Want To Know What The Wallpaper Looked Like

, , , , , , | Working | September 22, 2022

My husband used to work putting up wallpaper in large, rich-people houses. He’s very direct. When he works, he tends to hyper-focus on the job, and he doesn’t really understand social cues.

His boss, the owner of the company, is an older, fairly friendly guy, but he’s as conservative as the average person in this state. One day, he comes up to my husband with a weird expression.

Boss: *In a low whisper* “[Husband]! [Husband]! Our client… The owner of this house… He’s married!”

Husband: *Pauses* “Okay.”

Boss: “No, you don’t understand. He’s married… to another man!”

Husband: *Genuinely confused* “What does that have to do with the wallpaper?”

Boss: “Nothing, but our client is, well… It’s weird!”

Husband: *Pauses again* “I agree, the wallpaper is a strange choice, but it’s what they wanted.”

Boss: “No, they’re two men living and being married here. In this house! How can they even afford a place like this?”

Husband: “I’m sorry, what does that have to do with the wallpaper?”

Boss: “ARGH! Never mind!”

The boss grumbled to himself as he walked away. My husband didn’t work with him for long after that.