(I’m waiting in line after ordering a cheeseburger. Another customer is being particularly annoying.)

Server: “Your cheeseburger’s ready, sir. That’ll be £2.80.”

Me: *handing over money* “Thanks.”

Other Customer: “Hey! Why’s he getting his first? We were here first; that’s mine!”

Server: “He ordered a cheeseburger. They’re quicker to make than double bacon burgers. Yours will be done in a minute.”

Other Customer: “I want that one! That one is mine!”

(I nod to the server, and they hand the woman the burger.)

Other Customer: “This has got cheese in it! And no bacon! Are you trying to rip me off?!”

Server: “You said you wanted that one rather than what you ordered.”

Other Customer: “This is appalling! I’m going elsewhere. You can’t get your orders in the right order!” *slams cheeseburger on van shelf then walks off*

Server: *smiling, to me* “Would you like a free bacon burger with your cheeseburger?”

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(A six-or-seven-year-old boy comes into the children’s bookstore, his mother trailing behind him.)

Mother: “Go on, then! Ask! She won’t know what you’re talking about and then you can stop wasting my time!”

Boy: “Hello!”

Me: “Hello.”

Boy: “I want a book.”

Me: “Well, you’re in the right place.”

Boy: “It’s about a boy. Who lives with a caveman. He’s got a funny name beginning with ‘S’.”

Mother: “There. Now you know there’s no such book.”

Me: “That wouldn’t be ‘Stig of the Dump,’ would it?”

Boy: *jumping up and down* “Yes, yes, yes! I told you, Mummy!”

Mother: “Don’t contradict me in front of my son!” *starts walking her son out of the shop and still talking to me* “You read too many books!”

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(I am in the middle of a long bus ride. A woman is talking extremely loudly on her cell phone. Several other commuters have already moved away from her.)

Driver: “Ma’am. I have to ask you to quiet down. You are disturbing other passengers.”

Woman: “Ugh.”

(She lowers her voice for about three minutes, then begins yelling again.)

Driver: “Ma’am, I told you once already. If I can hear it, it’s too loud. If you don’t take it down a notch you’re getting off at the next stop.”

Woman: *glares* “I am trying to have a private conversation! Will you give me a minute?”

(At this point, a man who had moved away silently stands up, removes the big “Be A Considerate Commuter” sign from the overhead rack, and sits pointedly across from her with it.)

Woman: “Hold on, Lita. Some a** is trying to get my attention.” *covers phone* “If you don’t like it, you can get off the bus! Stop eavesdropping on me!”

Man: “Well, ma’am, at this point, I think you could talk a little louder and dispense with the phone entirely.”

Woman: *flustered and angry* “Whatever! Okay, I’m back, Lita. So, anyway…”

(I hope the next stop was hers, because that’s where the driver left her.)

Me: “Hello, and welcome to [Restaurant]. I’m [My Name], and I’ll be your server today.”

Customer: *glares at my necklace, which happens to be pentagon-shaped* “No! You worship the devil! Get me a Christian to serve me!”

Me: “I don’t worship the devil. Actually, I–”

Customer: “I won’t hear your witchy talk devil girl!” *sticks her fingers in her ears while her husband just gives me a smile*

Me: “I’ll just go and see what I can do for you.”

(I go to my manager and tell her what’s going on.)

Manager: *to me* “Oh, for Pete’s sake. Here, just put my necklace on.”

(The necklace is a cross. I go back to the table.)

Me: “Hello, and welcome to [Restaurant]. I’m [My Name], and I’ll be your server today.”

Customer: “Oh, thank the Lord. You should have seen the evil girl who was just here, with her black hair and wicked eyes!”

(She never noticed I was the same girl. Her husband never said a word, just had a weary look on his face. By the way, my hair is red.)

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Customer: “This food is terrible. I want a refund!”

(She turns to her daughter and starts speaking in Spanish.)

Customer: “The food was amazing, actually!”

Me: *also in Spanish* “I’ll send my compliments to the chef, then.”

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