I’ve had to do professional cold calling before; you ring up a business that might have had an interest or left their details, and you try to sell them the new version of your product. It was awful. I hated it. I got abuse every day even from people who previously asked to be called back.

So, I am a little bit more patient when I get calls myself, but I get one that just can’t take the hint.

Salesman: “Can I speak to whoever orders your copier paper, please?”

I know this is a leadup to a sales pitch.

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t order paper. We print only a few pages a month.”

Salesman: “Yeah, right!”

He slams down the phone.

As I normally do, I make a note of his number in case he calls back. The same time the next day, I see his number pop up.

Salesman: “I have an appointment with the stationery manager.”

Me: “We don’t have a stationery manager, I am afraid.”

The salesman slams down the phone.

Two days later, the same number calls again.

Salesman: “Can I speak to the managing director, please?”

Me: “Of course. Who is calling, please, and what is this in relation to?”

Salesman: “He is expecting my call.”

I doubt this, but I put the salesman on hold and pop my head round the door of the manager, a quiet, very polite man, whom I have never seen angry. I explain and he tells me to put the call through. 

As I transfer the call, he motions me to rush back into his office.

Salesman: *On speakerphone* “I have been trying to reach you about your printing costs. Switching to us can save you thousands and cut waiting times in—”

Manager: “[My Name] has told you already we are not interested and don’t have a need for your company. Now, I am only going to tell you this once: f*** off!”

The salesman didn’t ring back after that!

This story is part of our Best Of August 2020 roundup!

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I work at a theme park. While I’m working at a ride where the minimum height is forty-two inches, for safety, a woman comes through with a daughter who is clearly too short.

Me: “I need to measure her.”

She is about four inches below the minimum height.

Me: “She cannot ride for safety reasons.”

The mother tells her daughter to stay with her grandfather and walks into the queue line. As the queue passes the entrance where I am again, the girl is crying because Mommy left.

Mom: *Pointing at me* “BLAME HIM. IT’S HIS FAULT!”

This happened while I was active duty in the US Navy. The most senior military person in the Navy is the Chief of Naval Operations (CNO), a four-star Admiral. At the time, I was an E-4, working in the engine room of the ship.

When senior officers or politicians visit a military facility of any sort, there is an all-hands event where the entire crew — except those standing watch — is required to attend a speech by the distinguished guest, after which the crew is often given the chance to ask questions. Enlisted personnel have very little to do with strategic decision-making or changes in policy, so there are often uncomfortable silences when military or civilian senior leaders ask if there are any questions. Commanding officers don’t like it when this happens, so three sailors are usually provided with planted questions. These questions are almost always relentlessly stupid and seemingly only intended to make the VIP feel good.

The CNO was visiting various ships on deployment — this particular ship was in the Mediterranean — and he was discussing plans to reduce the total number of warships in the Navy. After the speech, the “planted” questions were asked, and the CNO cheerfully answered them. Then, he asked if there were any more questions.

Despite being a junior enlisted sailor, I had actually read up on Navy doctrine, which still officially required the Navy to fight wars in two oceans simultaneously. Since the CNO had just spent an hour telling us we were going to reduce the number of warships and also reduce the total manpower in the Navy, I was curious how this planned policy would change the official two-ocean warfighting doctrine. I raised my hand and the CNO called on me.

“Sir, are we still expected to fight wars in two oceans at the same time with fewer ships and crews?”

The CNO gave me a deer-in-the-headlights expression for several seconds, before he said, “Um… well… there may have to be some changes in our expectations.”

He continued to blather for almost a minute without actually answering my question, and then he turned the podium over to our Commanding Officer, who dismissed us back to our normal duties. I was then hauled into the Chief Engineer’s office and yelled at for several minutes for making the CNO uncomfortable. Since I hadn’t been insubordinate or otherwise in violation of Navy regulations, my chain of command couldn’t legally punish me, but they did make certain I never had to attend any future assemblies where a valid question might make a VIP look dumb. 

That was fine by me; I had — and still have — a low tolerance for stupidity, and attending these all-hands events always seemed to be a colossal waste of everyone’s time.

The best part happened that afternoon. The CNO and his staff were touring the local Navy Exchange facility — which was very small, since it was not located at a major NATO facility — and happened to run into my wife while she was shopping. The CNO’s Chief of Staff, a senior Captain, made the mistake of asking the dependents who were present in the Exchange if they had any issues. My wife and another enlisted spouse proceeded to tell the Chief of Staff exactly what problems the dependents had to deal with due to the lack of Navy facilities available. For the best part of a half-hour, they kept bringing up problems and weren’t the least bit interested in being asked to calm down.

The next morning, I was again hauled into the Chief engineer’s office and yelled at because my wife had told the Chief of Staff the truth. I was told I should prevent my wife from speaking her mind, at which point I laughed aloud. I pointed out that my wife is not subject to military discipline, and I also noted that the Chief of Staff had asked her for input. Furthermore, I told my chain of command that every word she’d said was the plain truth, so the Navy could either fix the problems or stop asking questions if the brass didn’t like the possible answers. 

Some of the ship’s senior personnel steered well clear of my wife for the rest of the time I was stationed aboard that ship.

I have just started my shift. Within five minutes, a lady and her son walk in and wave me over from across the sales floor.

Customer: “Hi, can I see that webcam?”

Me: “Sure.”

I unlock the case and hold the box in front of the customer. Store policy is not to completely hand a product within a glass case to a customer.

Customer: “Do you have [other model] available in the back?”

Me: “No, we fill up the glass cases every night, and we have not received a new shipment of that one yet.”

Customer: “Oh, okay, does this one work on a Mac?”

I look for the box information.

Me: “Even if it doesn’t say that it does, there are new drivers on the company’s website to allow it to work. I actually have this model and I use it with my Mac.”

Customer: “Are you sure?” *Stares at me* “What Mac do you have?”

Me: “A MacBook pro that I got around four years ago.”

Customer: “I have that one, too. So, what’s the return policy?”

Me: “Fourteen days. If for any reason you want to return it, just put it all back in the box and bring it back with the receipt.”

Customer: “Are you sure?” *Stares at me*

Me: *Uncomfortably* “Yeah, I’m sure. If you pay with credit, it will take three days for the refund, though.”

The customer just stares.

Me: “Well, do you want to buy it?”

The customer stares at me and speaks with a mean tone.

Customer: “Are you sure it will work with a Mac? It doesn’t say it on the box.”

Me: “I’m sure. As I said, all you really have to do is go to the company’s website.”

Customer: “And you’re sure the return policy is fourteen days?”

Me: “Yes, as I said before, it is, and it will work on your Mac.”

Customer: “So, you’re sure about this, right?”

The customer just keeps staring at me, and after a minute, I look at her son and he just smiles. Seeing how they are acting, I proceed to put the webcam back into the case and close and lock it.

Customer: “Why are you locking it?!”

Me: “You do not seem to be interested in the webcam. I answered all your questions and you ignored me.”

Customer: “Well, that’s rude; you shouldn’t do that! I am asking questions because I want to make sure.”

Me: “Okay, but why would my answers change?”

Customer: “That doesn’t matter; you were being rude. That’s rude!”

In my head, I say, “So staring me down and asking the same questions, not because you did not hear the person but just because you want to make sure, and also just making a person uncomfortable, is not rude at all?

Me: “So, would you like to buy it?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, I will put it in the front; just wait in line.”

I put the webcam in the front and walk over to my coworkers, who were watching.

Me: “I always get the mean customers.”

Female Coworker: “Who yelled at you this time?”

Me: “A mean lady.”

Male Coworker: “Man, you do always get yelled at.”

Me: “Yep.”

I work at a franchised fast food place with a drive-thru. At least once a week, normally much more often, we get a customer trying to use a voucher that is printed on a bus ticket to get a deal. On the tickets, it is stated, “Participating restaurants only, not valid at a restaurant with a drive-thru.”

As a franchise, and as we have a drive-thru, we can’t accept them. Normally, a simple, “I’m sorry, that offer is not valid at this store,” suffices. Sometimes, we have to point out that we have a drive-thru and that settles the matter, but we occasionally get someone who asks to see a manager who then has to explain to the customer why we don’t accept them.

Today, while I’m on shift at the front counter, a man with his wife and a bunch of kids ranging from screaming infants to moody teenagers comes in. He makes a huge order, all while the kids are screaming at him and me what they want and changing their minds.

I eventually get it all down and it totals up to over £50, so I have to call a manager over to accept the transaction, despite the fact that we are hugely busy and the manager has a lot of new starters to watch over.

Once the manager has gone to deal with something, the guy complains about the price, saying that it can’t be that much. I then repeat everything he has ordered back to him, each item with the price, and he shakes his head saying that it can’t possibly be that much. 

He’s right, due to some of his kids saying they “don’t eat chips” or not wanting a drink or wanting an ice cream instead of a drink; ice creams don’t come in meals. I eventually turn some the things into meals so they have fries and removes fries that are by themselves.

By now, I have been dealing with this one customer for like a quarter of an hour. We only have two other tills open and both of them crewed by new starters.

The guy still complains about the price before heading over to his wife who digs dozens of bus ticket coupons out of her purse. He brings them over and I explain that we aren’t a participating restaurant.

“How come?” he asks. I point over to the drive-thru window and then point out the “not valid at restaurants with a drive-thru” clause on the ticket. He then smirks and says, “Aha! But I’m not ordering this at the drive-thru.”

I explain that we still have a drive-thru and we are a franchise, so I cannot accept them.

He demands to see a manager, and the manager, who is trying to help out the trainees who have customers of their own and are struggling, comes over to help, points out the clause, and argues with him for a minute until he relents.

As soon as the manager has walked away, the customer stuffs the coupon in his pocket and, taking another one from the pile, asks, “What about this one?”

He then proceeds to make me go through each and every single coupon and explain for every single one why we do not accept it.

The worst shift ever.

Related:
The Couponator 18: The Digital Revolution
The Couponator 17: Attack Of The “Programmer”
The Couponator 16: Enter The Entree
The Couponator 15: The Transaction Void
The Couponator 14: Multiple Attack