I work in a big chain supermarket in the UK and overhear this far-too-frequent situation. Due to the current lockdown, there is a one-way system in place: the queue of customers waiting at the top end of the checkouts are being directed to either a checkout or the self-service machine.

A woman is in front with a big trolley of shopping and there’s a man behind with a basket. The woman has a scan-as-you-shop device, so my coworker tells her to wait for the scan-as-you-shop till at the self-service area to become free.

My coworker speaks to the second customer in the queue:

Coworker: “Okay, do you want to go to checkout sixteen, please?”

Male Customer: “No, thank you.”

Coworker: “Okay, do you want to go to self-service?”

Male Customer: “No, thanks.”

Coworker: “Then where do you want to go?”

Male Customer: “A normal checkout!”

Coworker: “Checkout sixteen, then, please.”

Male Customer: “Thank you.”

This has become a common occurrence recently.

Some time ago, the UK switched its £5 and £10 notes from paper to plastic. Most people are indifferent to the change, but some are very vocal about how much they hate the new plastic notes. I get at least three customers a day complaining about them, but this one stands out.

Customer: “I f****** hate these new plastic notes.”

The note in question was a £20 note. Still paper.

I am fortunate enough to work with talented, fun, hard-working people I consider friends, but like all friends, some of them drive me a little insane. One of the worst is a guy who never listens to anything.

Coworker: “This program is a pain. How am I even supposed to [do a thing]?”

Me: “That’s weird. The tutorial covers that. Did it not display for you?”

Coworker: “I just clicked through it.”

Me: “Okay… Well, hit ‘enter’ to go to the menu.”

Coworker: *Sounding annoyed* “But how do I go to the menu?”

Me: *Pause* “Hit ‘enter.’”

Later, in an email:

Me: “Hey, [Coworker]! I’m working on a promo with [Client], just so you know. I’m going to rope in [Artist] to do the images for it.”

Coworker: “Have you thought about using [Exact Same Artist I Just Mentioned]?”

Me: “That was the second sentence of that email.”

Coworker: “Oh, well, I didn’t read that far.”

Even later-er:

Coworker: “Hey, what are we doing for our launch today?”

I email him a list of items.

Coworker: “But what about [very first item on the list, I’m not even kidding]?”

Me: “You’re lucky you’re my friend.”

He’s a great coworker and friend except for this, and it wouldn’t be an issue if it didn’t happen all the time, and if he wasn’t such a butt when the same thing happened to him.

Me: “I gave [Other Coworker] your new phone number.”

Coworker: “I gave it to him yesterday! I even wrote it down.”

Me: “I know; he couldn’t find the paper when he went to add you to his contacts.”

Coworker: “Ugh, I hate repeating myself! People need to pay more attention to the details.”

Sigh. Love you, buddy.

I work in an OBGYN office, often answering phones and directing patients’ messages to doctors. To make sure the right patient’s chart is attached to the message, I ask for a few identifiers. One day, a patient’s husband calls.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Office]. How can I help you?”

Husband: “My wife wants me to send a message to her doctor. She’s busy with the baby and asked me to call.”

Me: “Sure; what’s your wife’s name and date of birth?”

Husband: “[Wife] and [date last year].”

Me: “Can you repeat her date of birth?”

Husband: “Oh, I gave you our baby’s birth date! No, my wife’s is [date twenty-five or thirty years ago]. My wife’s an adult.”

Me: “Great, I see her profile here, so you’ve called the right office. What message can I send her doctor?”

Husband: “[Message]. Sorry about the date mixup… I swear I didn’t marry a baby.”

A few hours later, he calls back.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Office]. How can I help you?”

Husband: “Hi, this is the man with the child bride. We missed the doctor’s call; can we talk to her?”

Our office currently prescreens people who come in by asking them pertinent questions and reminding them to wear a mask to their appointment, where we will take their temperature.

Patient: “Hi, my name is [Patient]; I’m here for my 2:00 appointment.”

Me: “Did you bring your mask, ma’am?”

Patient: “I didn’t know I needed one.”

We have her marked as prescreened, so I know she was reminded.

Me: “That’s okay; we have extra masks so I can give you one to wear.”

I hand her one and wait for her to put it on, but she just stands there.

Me: “Ma’am, if you’ll put the mask on, I can continue checking you in.”

The patient makes a face, but puts it on.

Patient: “All my information is the same.”

Me: “Okay, and your cell phone is [number]? Okay, I have you checked in. If you’ll have a seat in your vehicle, a nurse will call you in when we have a room ready.”

Patient: “In my car? You want me to sit outside in my car?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. We want to limit our lobby to elderly to help against extra contact. We also suggest people call from their vehicles to speed the process and make it easier.”

We would have told her this when we called to prescreen her, as well.

Me: “If you don’t have AC, then we understand if you need to sit in here.”

Patient: “Yes, I have AC!”

She sits down in the lobby anyway, and we get a large influx of people coming in and out for their appointments. At one point, she comes back to the window.

Patient: “How soon is my appointment? I’ve been here for twenty minutes already and there’s been a ton of people going through here.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, that’s why we suggest patients sit in their vehicles. You have two others in front of you, so if you want to sit out there, we can help you limit your contact with others and call you in when we’re ready, okay?”

She sits down again and waits until it’s her turn to go back, which is almost another thirty minutes later, and only ten minutes past her appointment.

Patient: *As she passes me* “You should have told me you were going to have so many people in the lobby. I didn’t feel safe at all. Next time, tell me to sit in my car.”