Hands-Off Tamp-On

, , , , , , , | Working | January 14, 2018

(My coworker and I are putting items back on the shelves. I’ve got an armful of beauty products that I’m putting back, in addition to a whole cart full of items that a customer left. He’s just standing there, watching. He’s male, I’m female. We’re both in college.)

Me: “Hey, there’s a few boxes of tampons in the cart that go on this aisle. Can you put them back?”

Coworker #1: “Ew! No, you do it.”

Me: “Okay, then you come put all this makeup back.”

Coworker #1: “No way; that’s girl stuff!”

Me: “Then put the tampons away.”

Coworker #1: “That’s so gross.”

Me: “They’re not used, you idiot. They’re individually wrapped in a freaking box.”

Coworker #1: “I’m not touching those.”

Me: “What are you going to do when you get a girlfriend?”

Coworker #1: “She’s buying her own tampons.”

([Coworker #2], also a college-age guy, walks over.)

Coworker #2: “[Coworker #1], man, you’ve got to be kidding me. Dumba**.”

(He grabs the boxes of tampons out of the cart and puts them back on the shelf.)

Coworker #2: “This is why you don’t have a girlfriend.”

(He high-fived me and headed back to his register.)

One Pig Died In The Forming Of This Friendship

, , , , , , , , , | Learning | January 13, 2018

(At the time of this story, I’m in ninth grade. I’m a girl. Due to my introverted personality, two girls in my biology class have decided it would be fun to pick on me. We are doing pig dissections in class today.)

Teacher: “…and [My Name], you’ll be partnered with [Mean Girl #1].”

([Mean Girl #1] smirks at me as our teacher brings out the fetal pigs.)

Teacher: “All right, kids, pair off and I’ll give you your specimens.”

Mean Girl #1: “Ew! Like, that is so gross!”

Mean Girl #2: “I didn’t know we’d be dissecting, like, actual animals!”

Teacher: “LADIES! Yes, they are fetal pigs, and they were frozen. We went over this yesterday.”

Mean Girl #2: “That’s, like, totally gross and animal cruelty! I’m not doing it!”

Teacher: *heavy sigh* “Fine. Go to the library and tell [Other Biology Teacher] that you’re going to do the computer dissection.”

(They exit, making gagging noises.)

Teacher: “[My Name], your partner is [Popular Girl].”

(She comes over to my lab station.)

Popular Girl: “Do you mind if I do the actual dissection? I love this kind of stuff!”

Me: “Seriously? Uh… sure. I’ll take notes!”

Popular Girl: “SWEET!”

(She successfully dissects the pig, while I take notes and diagram the different parts. The group from the library comes back in as we’re finishing up.)

Me: “Hey [Mean Girl #1 & #2]! Look at this!”

(I pull some gloves on and point out the pig’s heart.)

Mean Girl #1: “OH, MY GOD! Why would you show me that?!”

Mean Girl #2: “You’re a freak!”

Popular Girl: *puts her gloves back on, picks up the heart, and waves it in their direction* “Look! It’s so squishy! Come touch it!”

(She advances toward them. They scream and run into the hallway.)

Teacher: *holding back laughter* “Okay, okay, no taunting your classmates with pig parts.”

(They never made fun of me again, and [Popular Girl] and I became friends!)

Need A Fresh(man) Way To Test Your Staff

, , , , , | Right | October 19, 2017

(I’ve just started college, and am working a register, when a kid who looks to be about 14 sets a six-pack of beer on the counter. Our store has partnered with the state to send “testers” through random cashiers’ lines to make sure we are only selling liquor to those over 21.)

Me: “Can I… help you?”

Kid: “Yeah, give me the beer.”

(I glance down at the logo on his shirt and fight back a grin.)

Me: “Nope. Not a chance, kid. Get out.”

Kid: “Good job! You passed your test!”

Me: “No offense, kid, but I saw that one coming a mile away.”

Kid: *genuinely surprised* “But I was convincing! I’m a good actor! How did you know?”

Me: *points at his shirt* “[High School] mascot. I graduated from there last year. And your shirt has your grad year on it, freshman.”

Kid: “DANG IT!”

(It still counted as a pass, and I got commended by my manager!)

Baseballs And Sticks

, , , , , | Working | October 11, 2017

(I’m getting my hair cut. My stylist and I are the only people in the salon. A well-dressed lady in her 60s walks in, stares at us, and sits down. My stylist calls out a greeting. No response. After about five minutes, the lady gets up, glares at us, and stomps out without saying a word.)

Stylist: “Who was that?”

Me: “No idea. I thought she was your next appointment.”

Stylist: “I’ve never seen her before in my life!”

Me: “I’m glad she left. Did you see the look she gave us?”

Stylist: “Ah, I don’t worry about people like that. She’s got a stick where it doesn’t belong, you know?”

(I laugh and she resumes cutting my hair. The owner of the beauty supply store next door comes running into the salon.)

Owner: “[Stylist]! Do you know who that was that just walked out of here?”

Stylist: “Nope, can’t say I do. Why?”

Owner: “She just came next door and complained. That’s Mrs. [Vaguely Familiar Last Name]!”

Stylist: “Who?”

Owner: “She’s married to the owner of [Baseball Team]!”

Stylist: “How was I supposed to know that? [My Name], did you know that?”

Me: “Nope. I root for [Local Baseball Team], not the Evil Empire.”

Owner: “You didn’t take care of her!”

Stylist: “I have a client right now!” *gestures to me*

Owner: “You should’ve taken care of her right away!”

Me: “Excuse me?!”

Stylist: “I’m not kicking one of my regular clients out for an old lady with an attitude problem! Go back to your store!”

(The store owner walks out, muttering to herself.)

Stylist: “Told you. Sticks where they don’t belong.”

Literally Singing Your Praises

, , , , , | Learning | September 22, 2017

(I am helping out some students during breakfast. I’m the music teacher, and have only seen the new students for one class at this point. This happens with a kindergarten student whose older sister I have taught for three years.)

Student: “I remember you!”

Me: “I remember you, too!”

Student: “You’re the singing girl!”

Me: “I’m the music teacher, yes.”

Student: “No! You’re not a teacher! You’re the singing girl!”

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