Need A Fresh(man) Way To Test Your Staff

, , , , , | Right | October 19, 2017

(I’ve just started college, and am working a register, when a kid who looks to be about 14 sets a six-pack of beer on the counter. Our store has partnered with the state to send “testers” through random cashiers’ lines to make sure we are only selling liquor to those over 21.)

Me: “Can I… help you?”

Kid: “Yeah, give me the beer.”

(I glance down at the logo on his shirt and fight back a grin.)

Me: “Nope. Not a chance, kid. Get out.”

Kid: “Good job! You passed your test!”

Me: “No offense, kid, but I saw that one coming a mile away.”

Kid: *genuinely surprised* “But I was convincing! I’m a good actor! How did you know?”

Me: *points at his shirt* “[High School] mascot. I graduated from there last year. And your shirt has your grad year on it, freshman.”

Kid: “DANG IT!”

(It still counted as a pass, and I got commended by my manager!)

Baseballs And Sticks

, , , , , | Working | October 11, 2017

(I’m getting my hair cut. My stylist and I are the only people in the salon. A well-dressed lady in her 60s walks in, stares at us, and sits down. My stylist calls out a greeting. No response. After about five minutes, the lady gets up, glares at us, and stomps out without saying a word.)

Stylist: “Who was that?”

Me: “No idea. I thought she was your next appointment.”

Stylist: “I’ve never seen her before in my life!”

Me: “I’m glad she left. Did you see the look she gave us?”

Stylist: “Ah, I don’t worry about people like that. She’s got a stick where it doesn’t belong, you know?”

(I laugh and she resumes cutting my hair. The owner of the beauty supply store next door comes running into the salon.)

Owner: “[Stylist]! Do you know who that was that just walked out of here?”

Stylist: “Nope, can’t say I do. Why?”

Owner: “She just came next door and complained. That’s Mrs. [Vaguely Familiar Last Name]!”

Stylist: “Who?”

Owner: “She’s married to the owner of [Baseball Team]!”

Stylist: “How was I supposed to know that? [My Name], did you know that?”

Me: “Nope. I root for [Local Baseball Team], not the Evil Empire.”

Owner: “You didn’t take care of her!”

Stylist: “I have a client right now!” *gestures to me*

Owner: “You should’ve taken care of her right away!”

Me: “Excuse me?!”

Stylist: “I’m not kicking one of my regular clients out for an old lady with an attitude problem! Go back to your store!”

(The store owner walks out, muttering to herself.)

Stylist: “Told you. Sticks where they don’t belong.”

Literally Singing Your Praises

, , , , , | Learning | September 22, 2017

(I am helping out some students during breakfast. I’m the music teacher, and have only seen the new students for one class at this point. This happens with a kindergarten student whose older sister I have taught for three years.)

Student: “I remember you!”

Me: “I remember you, too!”

Student: “You’re the singing girl!”

Me: “I’m the music teacher, yes.”

Student: “No! You’re not a teacher! You’re the singing girl!”

Karma Strikes, Not With A Whimper…

, , , , , | Romantic | August 31, 2017

(My husband and I are relaxing at home, when he snaps shut the book he was reading. Our cat leaps about a foot in the air and looks around with eyes wide. She has a tendency to get easily spooked.)

Me: “Haha, poor little dum-dum. Awww. Were you scared? You’re way too anxious. You need to chill out.”

(I pet her to comfort her, and then walk over to get myself a drink from a glass. As I’m taking a sip, the doorbell rings, and I nearly jump out of my skin, my arm jerking reflexively and tossing the entire glass of water into my own face.)

Husband: *stifling laughter and petting our cat* “And that’s what we call karma, [Cat].”

Panting For Breath

, , , , , | Friendly | July 27, 2017

(My 14-month-old daughter has a thing about pants and shorts: she doesn’t like them and will take them off every time I put them on her. I am in the grocery store picking up some last minute groceries after picking up her up from her grandmother’s. Once again, she refuses to wear the shorts I had on her originally. Knowing that the errand will be relatively quick, I don’t fight it and take her in the grocery store with just her shirt and her diaper on. The heat index at this time is close to 110 F (43.33 C), so most people are getting sweaty just walking from their cars into the store, us being no exception. I’m patiently waiting in line when an elderly woman joins behind me, followed by her teenage grandson playing on his phone. I’m getting ready to pay when I hear this gem.)

Woman: “You should seriously put some pants on that child. It’s rather indecent of you to allow her to go out in public like that.”

Me: “Are you seriously offended by the fact that my daughter’s diaper is exposed?”

(She’s about to reply when her grandson interjects, not breaking his gaze from the phone.)

Grandson: “Nana, in case you haven’t noticed, it’s stupid hot outside. If I didn’t have to wear pants in this weather, I certainly wouldn’t. Let the baby live it up while she still can.”

(The cashier and I chuckled while the woman just turned red and kept quiet the rest of the transaction.)

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