The Only Thing Scarier Than Illness: Swearing

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 12, 2020

While coming out of the store, I have my mask on, and so do many of the others in the parking lot. I start hearing a commotion and see a big truck driving up and down the lanes. The driver is laying on his horn, revving his engine, and yelling at people.

Man: “OOOOH, SCARY CORONA! OOOOOHHHH, SCARY CORONA!”

I’m more startled and bewildered than anything else. He pulls up behind my car as I’m putting my groceries in the trunk.

Man: “OOOOHHH, SCARY CORONA! YOU SCARED? YOU SCARED? WAKE UP, LADY!”

I give him a dirty look and yell back.

Me: “What the f*** is the matter with you?! Seek help.”

Surprisingly, he looks shocked and then angry, and he snidely says:

Man: “Wow, nice. Real nice, real polite, real ladylike!”

And he peeled out.

Apparently, it’s okay to make a nuisance of yourself and harass other people, but heaven forbid a woman drops a four-letter word on you when you make an a** of yourself. I will never understand people.

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We Can Cut Your Hair But Not Your Journey Time

, , , , | Right | October 1, 2020

I am a customer at a well-known hair salon for a haircut. The store is in a slightly undeveloped area but the employees are very polite and do their jobs well; I’ve been getting haircuts from these employees since I was a child. I am patiently waiting with a couple in the waiting seats while a male employee and two female employees cut other peoples’ hair.

The phone rings and a male employee answers.

Employee: “[Salon], [Employee] speaking. How may I help you?”

Caller: *Unintelligible*

Employee: “Oh, you need directions to get here? Well, we are between [Avenue] and [Interstate Road].”

Caller: *Unintelligible*

Employee: “May I ask where you’re driving from to get here?”

The employee’s shoulders and head sag in disbelief.

Employee: “Brandon?”

Brandon is over a half-hour drive from Tampa. Everyone else in the salon laughs at the ludicrousness of that. I turn to a woman next to me.

Me: “Is a $15 haircut really worth that much gas?”

Woman: *Laughs* “I know, right?”

Employee: *Finishing the call* “Well, sir, I will see you in thirty to forty minutes.”

Me: *Raising my voice* “Don’t forget to factor in evening traffic!”

Employee: “Make that the next hour. Bye!”

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Just Enough Spanish To Make Them Wonder

, , , , , , | Right | September 20, 2020

I’m a cashier at a well-known Southern grocery store chain known for super nice employees. I like to chat with my customers as they come through my line. This particular customer has just whipped out her cell phone and started talking.

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

The customer ignores me and switches her conversation to Spanish. I am part Hispanic myself, although very light-skinned.

Me: “Plastic or paper, ma’am?”

The customer, still speaking Spanish, starts talking about “this stupid girl at the store who keeps interrupting me.” I understand almost every word, but I continue as though I can’t.

Me: “Okay, ma’am, your total is $102.40. Will that be credit or debit today?”

The customer swipes her card, all while continuing to insult me in Spanish. I hand her the receipt.

Me: “Gracias, señorita, buenas noches!”

The customer looked up quickly and I smirked at her. Her face turned red and she ran out of the store.

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If You’re Going To Be An Idiot, Be A Loved Idiot

, , , , , , | Working | July 3, 2020

I am fortunate enough to work with talented, fun, hard-working people I consider friends, but like all friends, some of them drive me a little insane. One of the worst is a guy who never listens to anything.

Coworker: “This program is a pain. How am I even supposed to [do a thing]?”

Me: “That’s weird. The tutorial covers that. Did it not display for you?”

Coworker: “I just clicked through it.”

Me: “Okay… Well, hit ‘enter’ to go to the menu.”

Coworker: *Sounding annoyed* “But how do I go to the menu?”

Me: *Pause* “Hit ‘enter.’”

Later, in an email:

Me: “Hey, [Coworker]! I’m working on a promo with [Client], just so you know. I’m going to rope in [Artist] to do the images for it.”

Coworker: “Have you thought about using [Exact Same Artist I Just Mentioned]?”

Me: “That was the second sentence of that email.”

Coworker: “Oh, well, I didn’t read that far.”

Even later-er:

Coworker: “Hey, what are we doing for our launch today?”

I email him a list of items.

Coworker: “But what about [very first item on the list, I’m not even kidding]?”

Me: “You’re lucky you’re my friend.”

He’s a great coworker and friend except for this, and it wouldn’t be an issue if it didn’t happen all the time, and if he wasn’t such a butt when the same thing happened to him.

Me: “I gave [Other Coworker] your new phone number.”

Coworker: “I gave it to him yesterday! I even wrote it down.”

Me: “I know; he couldn’t find the paper when he went to add you to his contacts.”

Coworker: “Ugh, I hate repeating myself! People need to pay more attention to the details.”

Sigh. Love you, buddy.

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Overachieving Isn’t Always The Answer

, , , , | Learning | April 21, 2020

This happens when I am in third grade, nine years old, and getting the second report card of the school year. The teacher hands them out at the end of the school day, but my mother and I see her at my dance studio that night.

Me: “Ms. [Teacher]? Why did I get a bad grade in reading?”

Teacher: “You didn’t take any of your reading quizzes. You need to read a book every month.”

Mom: “You know her. You know she’s read more books than any other student in your class. What are these reading quizzes you’re talking about?”

Teacher: “The ones on the computer. It generates a report automatically, grading each test and averaging them out with what I put in for your grade.”

Me: “You mean I have to do more? But I already have all my points. Twelve books, twelve quizzes.”

Teacher: “Wait… You already did them all? When?”

Me: “The first month of school.”

By taking every quiz I needed to in the first semester, the software was setting me up with zeros for the rest of the year. They changed it immediately to be one book a month rather than the ten books a year the syllabus had stated.

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