Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want to know why I received a late fee on my statement?”

Me: “Let me check for you… I do apologize, sir. Your payment was received fifteen days after the due date, which caused the fee.”

Customer: “I see. Can you remove it?”

Me: “Unfortunately, no. You have had three removed this year already. This fee will not be removed.”

Customer: “What do you mean you won’t remove the f****** fee?! I always pay on time!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “What, are you stupid? Your god-d*** mother not educate you? Are you some kind of bank Nazi? Remove my fee!”

Me: “As I stated, this fee is valid and will not be removed.”

(This went on for about four to five minutes, his requests heavily sprinkled with profanity and insults.)

Customer: “Fine, you know what? You can take this g0d-d*** mo****-f****** Visa card and shove it up your god-d*** mo****-fu***** a**!”

Me: “Sorry, sir. My a** only accepts American Express.” *click*

(Once a month, we send out a mailer advertising our business. Like most ads it reads, “Call Now!”)

Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I received a card in the mail that said I should call you.”

Me: “Oh, you’re interested in our free design consultation? I’d be more than happy to set one up for you.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want anything like that. It just told me to call.”

Me: “So you’d like a free estimate for new floors?”

Customer: “No! The card you sent me in the mail! It said to call you, so I’m calling you! Why do you want me to call you?!”

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m looking for non-fiction.”

Me: “What kind?”

Customer: “Just non-fiction.”

Me: “Okay… do you want history? Or science? Psychology? Business?”

Customer: “No, just NON-FICTION!”

Me: “Ma’am, most of the store is non-fiction. You’ll have to be more specific.”

Customer: “Don’t you get it? I just want some non-fiction!”

Me: “All right. Do you see over there, where it says ‘Fiction?'”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “All the books but those. Good luck.”

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Come mow my lawn!”

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Customer: “I said, come mow my lawn!”

Me: “I’m sorry, this is tech support. Are you having trouble with your cable TV or Internet?”

Customer: “I know who this is! I want you to mow my lawn! In the rain! I pay y’all enough every month, so you better come mow it!” *click*

Me: “…”

Me: “All right, ma’am. And may I have your zip code?”

Woman: “No.”

Me: “Well, it’s something I have to take. Don’t worry, we–”

Woman: “No!”

Me: “I, uh–”

Woman: “No! You’re not getting my zip code.”

Me: “Right. Because I’m going to TAKE that zip code and knock on the door of EVERY house in the code just to FIND YOU!”

(The customer left, but I felt a lot better.)

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