The hospital’s Ophthalmologist was moving to another country. We’re at his leaving meal, all colleagues gathered around, watching as he opens a gift. It’s a painting of him superimposed onto the iris of an eye, commissioned by his team.

It was a lovely painting; the eye was beautiful, and him stood in the middle was really poignant.

Ophthalmologist: “Thank you, all, this is lovely.”

Colleague: “Now do a speech!”

Ophthalmologist: *Looking at the painting, and then back to all of us.* “It’s a good thing I’m not a gynaecologist!”

I have just started the training for my current job. For reasons I can’t remember, our teacher chose to inform us that he and his wife had chosen not to procreate by saying:

Teacher: “All my children have four legs and tails.”

I have no idea where it came from, but I spat out without stopping to think:

Me: “Jesus, I’d hate to see what your wife looks like.”

My class burst out laughing, teacher included. He went a little hard on me the next couple of days, but was a good sport in general. We had a lot of fun in that class, and a big part of that was all the s***-slinging.

I walk into a corner shop just in time to hear a manager shouting at the young guy working behind the counter:

Manager: “You must like being on the bottom in the bedroom because the only thing you can do is f*** up!” 

The young guy swore back and stormed out, and I totally forgot what I went in there for in the first place…

I’m on my porch when I witness a neighbor run out in front of a courier delivery truck.

Neighbor: “Hey! I was expecting two packages, and you only dropped off one!”

Driver: *Leaning out of his door window.* “I only had the one. It could be with another driver.”

Neighbor: “Nuh uh! I ordered both at the same time on Amazon! They should be coming together!”

Driver: “I would recommend you check the tracking details of each item, even if they’re on the same order.”

Neighbor: “Nuh uh!”

My neighbor said ‘Nuh uh!’ a lot.

Neighbor: “Go back to your truck and check again! I need both packages!”

Driver: “Sir, I only have the one. Please step aside.”

Neighbor: *Stepping closer to the truck.* “No! I’m not moving until I have my package!”

Driver: “Sir, I have other deliveries to make.”

Neighbor: “Mine… first!”

Driver: “Sir, I have over thirty more stops to make before I can go home to my wife and kids. Either you step aside to let me finish my deliveries, or you get personal same-day shipping to Hell.”

The neighbor stood his ground for another second, but then stepped aside, and the truck went on its way. My neighbor looked my way and saw me watching. 

Neighbor: “You saw all that s***, right?”

Me: “I did, and it was glorious!”

Another truck from the same company came by that afternoon with his second package.

Another after-church Sunday crowd story. A group of ten was settling the bill. They pay the exact amount on a $350 order: zero tip. I don’t say anything, but I must have made a face, because the ‘leader’ of the table says:

Diner: “We aren’t leaving a tip because God will take care of you and your bills.”

Me: “Sir, where do you work?”

Diner: “Why?”

Me: “I want to call them and tell them to quit paying you, because God.”

He wasn’t amused, but he wasn’t tipping me anyway, so f*** it.