Customer: “I want to return this computer.”

Me: “Okay, I can help you with that. Where is it?”

(The customer puts a badly damaged computer box on the counter. I open the box and find that it’s filled with oranges.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’m unable to accept this for return.”

Customer: “When I opened the box, it was filled with oranges! I want my money back.”

Me: “Can I see your receipt?”

(The customer hands me a handwritten receipt from a generic receipt book.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, this is not a store receipt. I’m unable to accept this.”

Customer: “The guy I bought it from said he got it here for $99 dollars and if I didn’t like it, I could return it here. I want my money back! I got ripped off!”

Me: “Sir, I apologize that you gave this guy your money, but it seems he gave you a box of oranges and a fake receipt. I’m unable to help you…”

(At this point, the customer got very loud and started throwing oranges around the store. Someone called the police and he was eventually arrested. To this day, I’m unsure if I should laugh or feel sorry for the guy.)

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(This is around Halloween, and Halloween parties in Madison are THE biggest event of the year. My store has many Halloween costumes and other Halloween-related products during that time. I am at my cash register for check-out when a customer comes up to me.)

Customer: “Hi. Uhh… I’d like to buy these.”

(The customer puts down a wig, some make-up, pantyhose, condoms, and lube on my register.)

Me: “Okay.” *starts scanning*

Customer: “…”

Me: *still scanning*

Customer: “DON’T JUDGE ME!” *runs out*

Me: “?!”

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(I had a call from an elderly client who was having issues with her satellite receiver. After troubleshooting the issue as much as we possibly could I informed the customer that I’d need to send out a new receiver.)

Me: “Okay, so we’ll simply ship that out. I can overnight that and have it to you first thing tomorrow morning.”

Customer: “Tomorrow!? I need it RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “I understand where you’re coming from, but there’s no way for me to possibly do that.”

Customer: “HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE SEVENTY YEARS OLD AND CONFINED TO YOUR HOUSE WHERE YOUR ONLY SOURCE OF ENTERTAINMENT IS THE TV!?”

Me: “I do apologize for your current plight, but unfortunately we currently lack the technology to transmogrify things through space and time. With that in mind, we are, unfortunately, required to use the most current means of shipping. That being FedEx. Would you like that at nine in the morning or ten?”

Customer: *after a brief pause* “Ten. Thank you.”

(I am a customer in a certain large toy store during Christmas and it is crowded. I’m on my lunch break, but still have the name tag on from my job. Note I am not in a uniform — I’m in jeans and a t-shirt. I get to where the queue is, and a woman accosts me.)

Customer: “It’s about time you opened another register! It’s disgraceful you keep us waiting like this. We’re busy people!”

Me: “You know, you’re right. It IS disgraceful. I quit!”

(I took off my badge before she realised I’m not an employee, and walked out of the store.)

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(I’m a flight attendant doing my pre-takeoff check-in the cabin. A man stops me and gestures to the small digital camera sitting in the seat next to him.)

Passenger: “Is it okay if my camera is here for the flight?”

Me: “Sure, sir. That will be fine.”

Passenger: “But shouldn’t I put it in the overhead bin?”

Me: “It should be fine there, but if you’re worried about it falling on the floor during landing you could put it in the overhead bin.”

Passenger: “But after takeoff, won’t it start floating around the cabin?”

Me: “Well, sir, just hold on to it. Once we slingshot around the moon, it will be fine.”

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