Shoot Them A Joke If You Shoot Me Some Insulin

, , , , | Right | October 2, 2018

(I work for a company that does underwriting for loan programs in other states, and thus talk to a lot of contractors. I’m also a type-two diabetic who occasionally has blood sugar crashes. I’ve just explained to a contractor what he needs in order to get paid on a job, which his client insists has already been taken care of, and I am feeling the light-headed wooziness that comes with a blood sugar crash.)

Me: *trying to get through the call quickly to go get something to eat* “Is there anything else I can help you with today, sir?”

Contractor: “Yeah… Could you just shoot me?”

Me: “Sir, I can’t do that; it’s illegal. Also, you’re in New Jersey and I’m in Wisconsin; that’s crossing state lines, and I don’t want to get the FBI involved.”

Coworker: *snorts, then starts laughing*

Contractor: *quiet for a second, then bursts out laughing* “Fair enough! Have a good night!”

Unfiltered Story #120937

, , , | Unfiltered | September 14, 2018

I’m the customer in this case. We regularly go to Southwestern themed restaurant for breakfast. Today there’s a new waitress we haven’t met before. I usually have blue corn pancakes but today I decide to try the Coyote toast, there name for French toast.

I place my order and say: “I hope your coyotes are fresh today.” The waitress gets this horrified look on her face and says: “You know it’s not real coyotes, it’s just French toast.” We managed to hold or laughter until she was out of earshot but giggled over it for the rest of the day.

If The Crazy Glove Fits…

, , , , , | Right | August 7, 2018

(I work as hotel security. We get a call from a guest saying he wants to see me.)

Me: “Hello, sir, I’m Officer [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Guest: “Hey, I found these gloves on the floor in the hall.” *points to six winter gloves*

Me: “Okay, I can take those to lost and found.”

Guest: “No, I’m really upset. I mean, why would anyone leave gloves outside my door like that?”

(This is a new one.)

Me: “Well, somebody might have dropped them, or they left the gloves at the wrong room.”

Guest: “I want you to call the police. With everything going on, I’m really upset about this.”

Me: “Really? They’re… The police aren’t going to come for some gloves. I can take them to lost and found, but…”

Guest: “No, I want you to call the police.”

(Policy is to contact our patrol before the police, and this is too stupid to not share. On the way over, the responding officer says I need to be more of a d**k.)

Patrol Officer: “Hello, sir, what’s the problem?”

Guest: “Well, I found these gloves outside my door, and I want to call the police.”

Patrol Officer: “They’re not going to come. If you call them, they will laugh at you. We can take the gloves to lost and found, but otherwise there’s nothing else I can do.”

Guest: “No, I’ll keep them. Good night.”

(Later, I got a call from a police officer. The guest went ahead and called them. The cop asked if I had it under control, and laughed when I told him I had everything in hand. I called the guest back, just to tell him the police were not going to respond to his call about gloves. I offered to take them off his hands again, but he insisted on holding on to them. I guess he thought that if they were dangerous, he was better trained or equipped than law enforcement.)

Consider Them “Aware”

, , , , , | Learning | May 11, 2018

(Because it’s Sexual Assault Awareness Month, my college has been having a number of related events. I’m sitting in the Veterans’ Lounge when one of the SAAM coordinators walks in, intending to inform us about an interestingly-named presentation/Q&A panel.)

Coordinator: “Hey, we’re having Sex In The Dark right now if you want to come. There’s snacks! Bye.”

(As soon as she left, everybody burst into laughter at how poorly-phrased her invitation was, but hey, at least it was memorable.)

Unfiltered Story #108136

, , | Unfiltered | March 28, 2018

(I was sitting down in a booth at the restaurant​, waiting for my food, when suddenly I felt a hand running through my hair! I jerked up, looking at the divider the hand was reaching over, and a woman popped up over the divider, with a big grin on her face.)

Woman: Hey ther…

(When she saw me she froze, her face shifting to a grimace of shock. She stood up a bit, looked into the booth next to mine, then back at me, before she sunk out of sight, followed by the other people bursting out laughing. I chuckled myself once I got over my shock at the unexpected touch.)

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