Me: “Hello, [Fencing Club].”

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for some galvanized pipe.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I think you may be confused. This is a fencing club… You know, the sport. We don’t actually make fences.”

Customer: “Oh… You see, I’m making a cage for a parrot. Do you have any galvanized pipe?”

Me: “No, I don’t think you understand. We don’t have material for building fences; we do sword fighting here. It’s a sport. Foils, epees, sabres.”

Customer: “Oh, okay… It needs to be galvanized so that it won’t chip if the parrot bites it.”

Me: “I don’t think you’re following me. We don’t build fences here, and we don’t have pipe.”

Customer: “Oh, I see… You see, I need to make the cage for a movie set, and it needs to be galvanized so that it doesn’t chip if the parrot bites it.”

Me: *giving up* “Galvanized pipe, you say?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Try the Soccer Centre.”

Customer: “The Soccer Centre?”

Me: “Yeah, the Soccer Centre.”

Customer: “Thank you!”

(I’m a transgender woman working in a call center. My name is an androgynous name, so for legal reasons, I still use the male name when greeting customers.)

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. [My Name] speaking. How can I help you today?”

Sexist Caller: “You can’t help me. Get me someone who can.”

Me: “I’m sure I can assist you, sir; what is the problem today?”

Sexist Caller: “I ain’t talking to you!”

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Sexist Caller: “I ain’t talking to no girl.”

(This causes me to both be glad that my voice passes for female on the phone, but really pisses me off because of how horrible the caller is… but I will have my revenge.)

Me: “I’m terribly sorry to hear that, sir. Are you sure?”

Sexist Caller: “Get me a man, d*** it!”

Me: “Okay, sir, let me see what I can do. Please hold.”

(I put him on hold. I then spend the next few minutes eating a snack, reading some webcomics, etc. I then clear my throat, and hit the button to take him off hold.)

Me: *with my old male voice this time* “Thank you for calling technical support. This is [My Name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Sexist Caller: “Oh, thank god. I thought I was gonna be stuck with that b****.”

Me: “Understandable, sir; she’s not that good a technician.”

Sexist Caller: “You guys got the same name. You related or something?”

Me: “No way, thank God… ”

(I proceeded to reinstall his operating system from where he had totally screwed it up. I got written up for this, all while the manager was laughing and apologizing that he had to do it.)

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Me: “Ma’am, could you speak up?”

Customer: “Yes, sorry. So that’s a large pepperoni pizza and–”

*incoherent screaming*

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Sorry. Do you have chicken wings?”

Me: “Yes. Hot, mild, lemon pepper–”

*incoherent screaming*

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “Sorry. An order of hot wings, then. Do you have two-liter drinks?”

Me: “No, but–”

*incoherent screaming*

Me: “Could you ask your friend to please quiet down?”

Customer: “He just needs some din-din before bed.”

Me: “Children can be testy this late at night.”

Customer: “Oh no, it’s my husband.”

Me: “Is it too late to change your mind?”

Customer: “Not yet. We got married today.”

Me: “…congratulations?”

(I was ringing up an old lady when another old lady in my line recognizes the first lady.)

Old Lady #1: “Oh, hey! I didn’t see you there!”

Old Lady #2: “That’s okay… I didn’t recognize you with clothes on!”

Me: “What?!”

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(I work for an Internet billing company that mostly does work with p*rn sites.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Consumer Support]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I got some charges on my card, and I wanna know what the heck’s goin’ on.”

Me: “No problem, sir. If I can get the card number, I’ll be happy to help out.”

(He gives me his card, and I go through the process of looking it up and getting his info.)

Me: “All right, sir, it looks like I have a subscription here to [P*rn Site]. Is that familiar?”

Customer: “Yeah, I know that. Hold on a sec. RANDY!”

(I hear him shouting at someone in the background, and then the sounds of someone getting the ever-loving crap beaten out of them.)

Customer: “Okay, I done took care of the charges. Can you cancel that for me?”

Me: “Sure… I’ve canceled it from further billing now for you.”

Customer: “All right. You have a nice day.” *click*