I’m fairly new at a job where members of law enforcement come in to fuel up their vehicles and themselves. This is at the height of the time when wearing masks seems like a very good idea, but many of them seem to feel that they don’t need to mask up. In appreciation for one of the officers that do wear a mask, I offer him a package of day-old donuts on the house.

Officer: “Do you think just because I’m a cop, I like donuts?”

I pause in embarrassment, having not even thought about the connection.

Me: “I… thought everybody liked donuts.”

He chuckles and accepts. The next night, he comes back in and purchases a package of the same donuts.

Officer: “I think you may have me addicted to these.”

This is one of those “last day” stories where I can say something without real consequences for my job. I’ve had some remarkably well-behaved customers all day, so I think I might be able to get away without needing to say something.

And then, she turns up.

Customer: “I want a six-top by the window, and don’t tell me you can’t do it because I used to be a waitress and I know that you can.”

Wow, straight away, she’s looking for a fight. However, the table she wants is actually available, albeit having just been cleaned so there are no glasses or menus set up yet. I get her group seated there with no issues.

Customer: “You know, hun, it’s bad form of you not to give us waters when we sit.”

Me: “I was just about to get those for you, along with some menus.”

I get the menus and a large jug of water and place them in the middle of the table. As soon as I am about to leave to get the glasses, the woman says to me:

Customer: *Condescending* “You know, hun, I’ll be needing a glass for that water.”

Me: “Oh, man! And here I was hoping you’d be absorbing it via osmosis.”

Customer: *Now angry* “What did you say to me?!”

Me: “Whatever I want, ma’am. You know, hun, I have been a waitress here for over ten years, and today is my last day. Do you want to test me?”

The customer stared me straight in the eyes and saw that I was not offering her a fight she could win today. She sat there and ate her meal in aggravated silence.

I often used to read news stories from around the world to my father. One day, I outlined an event that had occurred in Australia.

Dad: “When did you say this happened?”

Me: “I didn’t. Let me check. It happened… Huh. It happened tomorrow.”

Our zoo has a prehistoric section that has models of extinct creatures.

Guest: “Sabretooth tigers aren’t extinct!”

Me: “They have been for about ten to twelve thousand years, sir.”

Guest: “I saw some last time I was here!”

Me: “Then sir, may I say you look amazing for your age!”

Manager: “It finally happened! I got one!”

Me: “Got a what?”

Manager: “A flat earther! I thought they were just made up, but my customer was an honest-to-God flat earther!”

Me: “What happened?”

Manager: “They complained about the globes we had on display in the ‘back to school’ section. They said that the globe is a theory and not science so we shouldn’t have it with the educational stuff.”

Me: “Oh, boy. I never understood what a flat earther is supposed to see on a clear day. Shouldn’t they, like, see the Eiffel Tower from here or something?”

Manager: “Flat earthers don’t like having clear days. It’s a sign that their pharmaceuticals are wearing off.”

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