Customer: “Excuse me… how much is this?”

Me: “$24.99.”

Customer: “But the sign says it’s $19.99! Ha! So you have to give it to me for that!”

Me: “Ma’am, the sign says $19.99 and up.”

Customer: “But it’s the law!”

Me: “Ma’am, I assure you, it is $24.99.”

Customer: “Well, I’m a lawyer, and it’s the law!”

Me: “You’re not a lawyer, are you?”

Customer: “No. How did you know that?”

Me: “There is no such law.”

Customer: “You’re too smart. I just thought I’d try to scare you into changing the price.”

This story is part of our Customers Caught Lying roundup!

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Customer: “Could I have a hot dog?”

Me: “Sure, would you like any toppings?”

Customer: “Cheese, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this is a Kosher deli and as per our religious belief, we cannot serve cheese with certain kinds of meat.”

Customer: “Well, I’m not Kosher, so I want cheese on my hot dog.”

Me: “Well, even if I was permitted to serve that, which I’m not, we do not have any cheese which would be suitable for melting onto the hot dog.”

Customer: “Well, fine, then I’ll take my business elsewhere! I’m not going to stand here and be discriminated against! You Kosher people should just go back to… Kosheria or wherever it is you come from!”

(I get dispatched to a call: ‘one-year-old male, possibly crying.’ We get on scene and the mother opens the front door with a happy and healthy baby in her arms.)

Me: “Hi, ma’am. What seems to be the problem today?”

Mother: “Well, my baby just looked terrible so I freaked out and called you guys.”

Me: “It’s not a problem. Can you tell me what happened?”

Mother: “It was right after dinner. He looked confused, turned bright red, and started crying uncontrollably.”

Me: “And when did he stop crying?”

Mother: “He just stopped right before you guys got here. I changed his diaper, and here we are.”

Me: “Ma’am, I think I know what the problem is. Your baby was just constipated.”

(At this point, the grandmother walks in the room.)

Grandmother: “You called 911? He had to poop! I told you he wasn’t ready for solid food! I’m sorry, guys. You can go back to the people who really need your help. I got this.”

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Me: “Hey there. What can I get for you?”

Customer: “I’d like half a pound of [brand that we carry] ham, and a quarter of a pound of [brand we do NOT carry] Swiss cheese.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but we don’t carry the brand of cheese you were looking for. Can I get you something else?”

Customer: “What do you mean, you don’t carry it? I just bought it here last week!”

Me: “But we don’t carry it, ma’am. We do have about five other Swiss cheeses to choose from.”

Customer: “Are you stupid? I’m looking right at the cheese I want!”

(I walk around the counter to see her pointing at the regular brand of cheese that we’ve always carried, not the brand she was asking for.)

Me: “Oh, you asked for a different brand. I’m sorry about that; I’ll just go ahead and cut it.”

Customer: “No, this is what I meant I wanted. You should have known!”

Me: “I should have known what you really wanted when you said you wanted something else?”

Customer: “Of course! Isn’t that part of your job?”

This story is part of the Customers Expecting Mind-Readers roundup!

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Read the Customers Expecting Mind-Readers roundup!

Customer: “Oh, miss, I have a problem.”

Me: “What can I help you with?”

Customer: “The ATM took my card. It says here, though, that it’s invalid and my card is out of date, so maybe that’s why.”

(I get the keys to the ATM and open it up.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but your card is not in there. Are you sure it took it?”

Customer: “No, it did! It did! *pulls out an ATM card* “It looks like this! Oh, wait… this is my card. Never mind.”

This story is part of our “Florida Man” roundup!

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