At the doctor’s office where I work, one person schedules appointments in a handwritten paper schedule book, and I create and print off the day’s fee slips the morning of. Her handwriting is difficult to read, and she frequently misspells or abbreviates patient names, so I have gotten in the habit of trying to find a close match for possible names when I make the fee slips. Usually, new patients are noted on the paper schedule with “NP” in a circle.

Today, we had two patients I could not find names for in the computer, but I found a close match for one; think “Mel Brooks” on the schedule but “Melvin Booker” on the computer. Given how bad my coworker’s handwriting is, the fact that it’s not marked as “NP,” and her history of misspelling and abbreviating names, I was fairly certain that Melvin is the person we were scheduled to see.

Nope.

This afternoon, my coworker comes charging up to my desk and slaps a new patient chart with Melvin’s fee slip on it

Coworker: “Does this look like Mel’s name?”

She gets in my masked face with her unmasked face. (She believes the health crisis is a scam invented for political gain.)

Me: “Closest match in the system. He wasn’t marked as a new patient, and you sometimes abbrev—”

Coworker: *Snarls* “I never abbreviate! And you should never assume that I wrote it down wrong! He’s obviously a new patient!”

I sighed, remade a fee slip for “NP Mel Brooks,” and requested that she note new patients when she schedules them so I could avoid looking for them in the system.

She’s not the only reason I’m job hunting — our boss is much worse — but seriously!

I am working in a store as the managing supervisor and get a call from another supervisor to come to the counter. As I approach one side of the service desk, I see a staff member that dislikes me, the supervisor, and a customer at the other counter who has some items in front of her.

Supervisor: “[Coworker] needed to do a return without a receipt so she called me, but the barcodes won’t work. Can you help?

Me: “Sure, I will take a look. It can only be for an exchange or credit note if there’s no receipt. I’ll come around.”

I enter the main counter area, getting a quick glance at the items.

Coworker: “She paid cash, so she has to get cash back.”

Me: “I am sorry, but we can’t return those items here.”

Coworker: “She needs her refund; she bought them here. Just look up something similar and give her her money back.”

Me: “Um, no, she didn’t. They aren’t our stock.” 

Customer: “Yes, I did. I know I got these here.”

Coworker: *Accusingly* “Anyway, how can you tell? You barely looked at them. You need to give her a refund.”

Then, she rolls her eyes like a rebellious teenager, though she’s middle-aged.

Me: “That one is from [Big Retailer] and the other one is from [Competitor].” 

Coworker: “How can you prove that?”

I point to the large [Big Retailer] logo prominently placed on the front of one package.

Me: “By this, and because [Brand] is [Competitor]’s own brand.”

Customer: “I definitely bought those here.” 

My coworker is still giving me attitude.

Coworker: “Yeah, she did. How do you know that only they sell it?”

Me: “Because I worked there, and because of this.”

I flipped the package over to point at the words, “Made exclusively for [Competitor].”

The customer apologised and left, my coworker walked off in a huff, and the other supervisor apologised. Later, I found out that I was reported for making [Coworker] look stupid in front of a customer but that the supervisor had defended me.

The one good thing about lockdown has been working from home and not next to my idiot coworker. He is a typical know-it-all, never wrong, always right, even when proven otherwise.

He is one person in this world I cannot abide and cannot hold my tongue. Everyone at work seems to find it hilarious that I, being such a quiet and meek person, give this one person such an earful.

We are having a team catchup; I am staying mostly quiet. All work stuff has been discussed and we are talking about how we are getting on in lockdown. My know-it-all coworker has hinted several times that he has ignored all company and government guidelines. Then, he comes out with this:

Coworker: “Look. All I’m saying is that I am not responsible for other people’s health.”

Me: “But you are responsible for your actions that affect others. I mean, if you go around brake-checking other cars, you are still at fault for the accident, no matter who was putting themselves at risk at the time. You are affecting others with your choice not to wear masks or wash your hands.”

Coworker: “I don’t understand. Why do I have to wear a mask and stay indoors? I’m healthy. Why can’t the old people just keep away from me?”

Me: “‘Old people’ are still people; they still need to eat, shop, and exercise. They need to leave the house for that and — shock! — interact with others. What do you propose, locking them inside?! Maybe a cozy cell somewhere.”

Coworker: “Then why can’t people do those things for them?”

Me: “If you were any more stupid, you would swallow your mask!”

Senior Manager: “[My Name]! I don’t think that behaviour is appropriate!”

Coworker: “I’m not wearing a mask and no one will make me!”

Senior Manager: “Just to remind everyone, masks are mandatory at work, as are hand sanitiser and distancing.”

Coworker: “I’m not wearing one.”

Senior Manager: “Yes. Yes, you are. I happen to know that you can wear one, according to your risk assessment.”

Coworker: “I lied. I can’t wear one.”

Senior Manager: “Okay, that can be remedied. Please contact Human Resources as to why you felt it was appropriate to lie on a mandatory legal safety form and how you plan to conduct your site-based key worker role while not working on site.”

Coworker: “Fine, I will!”

I asked a few weeks later, and no one had seen [Coworker] on site since, and he wasn’t answering emails, either. I can only assume his big stand against HR and the law didn’t go so well for him.

It’s early on into the global health crisis when people are still getting used to wearing masks and having to stand six feet apart. It’s the end of our shift, and we’re standing in line at the time clock. An older coworker is standing close to me, maybe a foot away.

Me: “Dude, could you step back a couple of feet? That’s not six feet.”

Coworker: “Oh, it’s fine! It’s all media-pulled BS to control us! There’s no danger!”

Me: “Seriously, dude. Step. Back.”

Coworker: “H*** no!”

Me: “I’m not scanning my badge until you step back, and I’ve got all night.”

He huffs and leans back by maybe thirty degrees. I shrug, shift my weight, and make a pretty convincing farting noise with my mouth. I then sigh, as though I’ve been holding it in for a while. I laugh as he jumps back a good five feet, his face almost comical in its shock, as our coworkers standing in line laugh at him.

Me: “What? I told you to step back.”

He still refuses to admit there’s a global crisis, almost a year into it, but he’s better at keeping his distance now!

Several members of the IT staff are ex-military, but I’m not. This has led to a lot of pranks and jokes between the IT techs.

I notice a technician passing through a hallway one day when our printer isn’t working.

Me: “Hey, [Tech], printer two is down again.”

Tech: “Ugh. We need to get that repaired for real.”

Me: “I’m putting in an order for parts for a few new monitors. Want me to add anything?”

Tech: “Yeah, add in, um… a new AGM-114.”

He leaves without explaining what that part is. I dutifully submit the order with “Part: AGM-114” and “Purpose: printer repair.” Ten minutes later, an IT higher-up comes storming into our office waving my order.

IT Supervisor: “What smarta** ordered a Hellfire missile for the printers?!”

We are no longer allowed to order parts from IT by serial number only.

This story is part of our Best Of February 2021 roundup!

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