We have a know-it-all at work. Unfortunately, he also is a massive conspiracy nut and will not stop going on about conspiracies.

While I enjoy conspiracy theories — especially the nuttier ones — I don’t put any stock in them.

I’ve long learnt not to argue with him on them. He is “right,” even if you put the proof in his hands.

Today, however, he is being more annoying and belligerent than ever. My normal attempts to agree and let him run out of steam are not working. I’ve made several attempts to politely tell him to stop talking, yet on and on he goes.

After nearly an hour of his latest obsession — that birds are somehow highly advanced robot spies — he comes out with this gem.

Know-It-All: “I mean you would have to be stupid not to notice. Have you ever looked at a bird up close? It is obvious!”

Me: “I have, and no, they look like birds to me.”

Know-It-All: “No, not in a museum.”

He tuts like I’ve made a massively stupid statement

Know-It-All: “Actual flapping birds.”

Me: “Yes, I have seen actual live birds — real, flapping, eating birds.”

Know-It-All: “How, then? You can’t just go up to a bird and look at them. They’re clever. They move away.”

I think for a moment about his logic. If no one has seen them up close, how has he? Instead, I respond:

Me: “I have a bird feeder that has a two-way mirror. They come really close and I often watch them when I work from home. No spy cameras, no wires, just birds. Now, can we drop it, please? I can’t concentrate with all the noise.”

Thankfully, he shut up and the office was quiet again. I felt a bit sorry for him — after all, he wasn’t harming anyone with what he believes — but I just couldn’t do my work with his constant noise. I stopped feeling bad when I found out that he went to human resources to make a complaint about me. Apparently, it didn’t go any further when he repeatedly insulted the HR staff and accused them for working for the Illuminati.

Before the health crisis enforced working from home, my team had a tin of candy set out. We took turns restocking it weekly and it worked well since we had an area just for ourselves. Then, the candy started disappearing after hours, at incredible rates.

We honestly didn’t really mind because we always got too much candy and there was typically a lot left at the end of the week. But we also knew it was likely a project manager who had a massive sweet tooth and tended to stay late, and we thought it was rude to just take without a heads-up when he could easily afford his own.

So, we wrote, “God is watching you,” on the tin the next time we restocked. We expected that the guy would come to us and say something about liking candy and being put on the restocking rotation, but it turns out that we both overestimated and underestimated the guy’s honesty.

The candy continued disappearing at the same rate, but every Monday, a $20 note would appear below the tin. Our regular candy budget was about $10, so this was way too much. But since we never officially found out who our candy-thief-turned-candy-supplier was, we couldn’t exactly give it back. We started getting a fancy cake once a month with the leftover money.

I’ve recently been hired at a chain of grocery stores that has a service where items are ordered online, shopped by store associates, and then brought out to your car when you arrive. I’m one of the assistant managers, but as this area of the store is swamped for the holidays, I’ve not been trained in much thus far and all of management needs to be able to run this area of the store should the need arise.

I bring out an order to an SUV and collect payment from a couple who are inoffensive but otherwise disinterested, which seems to be par for the course. Another associate is loading their things into their trunk when I hand them their receipt. 

Customer: “Where are my vitamins? I don’t see them on here.”

She wiggles the receipt at me from the passenger’s seat as if, from outside the car, ten feet away, I could read the tiny text on her receipt to solve her issue… or maybe she just thought I had her order memorized?

Me: “I can go inside and pull your order manifest to see if they’re listed. As they aren’t on the review page for items substituted or out of stock, they would be in your bags and on your receipt if they were ordered.”

Customer: “They’re in the pharmacy! I called and spoke to [Person] this morning; he said he would come and get them. This is ridiculous! Why do you even have this service if you can’t do your d*** jobs?”

I may be new to this job but not to retail. I have been alone in the to-go department all morning with only my trainer, another woman, able to answer the phone. There is no one named [Person] in our department or even with a name similar to [Person]. I give her a cool look.

Me: “Well, ma’am, that’s odd since there is no one by that name who works in this department—”

She cuts me off.

Customer: “I don’t care. I want my vitamins. They were there when I left today. Why aren’t they here now?”

I’m confused for a moment until I realize why she looks familiar.

Me: “You work in the pharmacy, then?”

Customer: “I’m the pharmacy manager, yes.”

Me: “Hi, I’m [My Name], the new assistant store manager. I’d suggest you manage to walk your way back into your department and pick up your own vitamins. I’d also suggest you refrain from speaking to your fellow associates that way again because, after I file my complaint with human resources about you, that will mean you’re establishing a pattern of disrespect. Have a nice afternoon!”

She made a gaping fish face at me as I turned around. The associate who had been loading her order was torn between being stunned and laughing. Obviously, we all get customers who are less than their best. Why would you add to someone else’s burden by acting like the typical, entitled idiots we all hate?

When I’m at work, I frequently keep a mug of soup on my desk. My favorite kind is a creamy potato-leek combination. When sitting in a mug, it looks identical to coffee with cream. However, it smells nothing like coffee, of course.

I have a coworker who, in spite of frequent talkings-to by management, feels entitled to help himself to what others have. On the day in question, the office coffee machine is broken and my coworker has been grumbling about it near my desk.

I’m working on a report when he approaches me and looks down into my mug. Before I can say a word, he picks up my mug and takes a huge swallow. Then, he spits soup all over the floor.

Coworker: “THAT ISN’T COFFEE!”

Me: *Appalled* “I never said it was coffee! Who just picks up someone else’s cup and starts drinking? What is wrong with you, [Coworker]?!”

Coworker: “I wanted coffee! I need my coffee! Why did you trick me like that? How do you know I’m not allergic to whatever that is?”

I am beyond fed up.

Me: “Well, I hope you are! Maybe that will teach you not to steal someone else’s things!”

The coworker actually went to HR to complain about me “trying to kill him.” When they heard the entire story, he received a three-day suspension. I wish I could say that he learned his lesson, but when he returned, he still helped himself to other people’s things — just never mine again.

This story is part of our Best Of March 2021 roundup!

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I had a minor car accident earlier this year. Despite the relatively low speed, it has left me with ongoing pain and discomfort. Unfortunately, some people can’t see past the end of their nose and they make ignorant assumptions.

Coworker: “What’s that thing?”

Me: “A back support. It attaches to my chair and just makes it more comfortable.”

Coworker: “Why do you need that?”

Me: “Someone rear-ended my car a few months ago. Still a bit sore.”

Coworker: “Pff, a young guy like you? You should be fine; just take an aspirin if you have to.”

Me: “Yeah, it’s a bit beyond that now. I’m going to see someone to take a look at it.”

Coworker: “Back in my day, we would just get on with things, not go to a doctor for every scrape.”

Me: “It’s not a scrape; I was hit by a car.”

Coworker: *Sarcastically* “Oh, well, I am sorry. Go see your doctor friend.”

It did make me smile when he had to take nearly a week off for a cold a few weeks back. I asked him why he didn’t just take an aspirin. He sulked about that and ignored me for ages.