A Non-Dairy Date For Your Diary

, , , , , | Working | December 17, 2014

(We’re having a little party at work because a few of my coworkers are leaving at the same time that some of my other coworkers are being promoted. One of my coworkers is vegan so we bought vegan cupcakes for everyone.)

Coworker #1: “Man, I’ve never had vegan cupcakes before. They’re pretty good.”

([Coworker #2] and [Coworker #3] nod in agreement.)

Coworker #1: “It’s almost like, I don’t know, weird knowing that was my first time. It’s like they—”

Coworker #2: “THEY TOOK YOUR VEGINITY!”

Coworker #1: “I was going to say, ‘They popped my vegan cherry,’ but that works, too.”

Coworker #3: “Well, cherries are vegan, so popping it wouldn’t work in this context.”


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Baptism Of Red Fire

, , , , , | Working | December 8, 2014

(We are having our daily department meeting. I am training a new hire and it’s his first meeting. We often start out the meeting with small talk, and someone mentions that today is “Redhead Day.”)

Me: “Well, I’m a fake ginger, so I guess I wouldn’t be allowed to celebrate.”

Coworker #1: “And I’m a natural ginger, but I haven’t actually been one for a while now.”

Coworker #2: “You’re a redhead? No way!”

Coworker #1: *grins* “Yeah… I would prove it, but that might not be appropriate for the meeting.”

(The new hire’s entire face goes super red. After the meeting, I receive an email from [Coworker #1.])

Coworker #1’s: “Hey, did I traumatize the new kid?”

Me: “He’ll live.”


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Literally Grabbed Himself A Steal

, | Friendly | August 13, 2014

(My workmates and myself decided to treat ourselves to a day at the races. Afterwards we went over to have a few drinks at the hotel across the road. I am talking with a couple of coworkers when one walks off without a word, bends down, and comes back to us.)

Coworker #1: “Look what I found.” *holds up expensive sunglasses*

Coworker #2: “Where did you find them? They look really good.”

Coworker #1: “They fell off some guy’s head ages ago. I waited for ages for him to walk away. Was hoping that no one else got them before I did.”

(I just stood open-mouthed.)

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Does Not Compute

, , , , , | Working | March 21, 2014

(I work in the wardrobe department of a casino. My coworker is very lazy and spends all her time on the computer surfing the web and chatting. My other coworker has had enough and reports her. The lazy coworker is called into our boss’s office.)

Coworker: “Ugh! I can’t believe that just happened!”

Me: “What happened?”

Coworker: “[Boss] just wrote me up for using the company’s computer for personal use on the clock! Can you believe that?!”

Me: “Well, you’re not supposed to. That’s why they monitor the computer activities.”

Coworker: *rolls eyes* “DUH! I know that! My boyfriend is a computer tech.”

Me: “So why didn’t you just do your job and stay off the Internet?”

Coworker: *doesn’t hear me* “I am just so upset that I can’t work the rest of the day.”

(She whipped out her phone and stayed on it for the rest of her shift — which was six hours.)


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Turning Water Into Wine, And Wine Into Excuses

, , | Working | January 18, 2014

(We’re talking about when to schedule the next staff meeting to maximize the number of people that will attend. My coworker is atheist.)

Me: “What about Sunday morning?”

Coworker: “No way. Everyone would be hungover from Saturday night, plus they could just say they have church. Even I’d use that excuse!”

Me: “Oh yeah? Which church would you suddenly be a part of?”

Coworker: “The Church of Jesus-Christ-I’m-Hungover!”

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