[Coworker] is the laziest guy in the office. He’s also the most competent guy in the office, which is probably the only reason that he hasn’t been fired yet.

One day, I catch him napping on the break room sofa.

Me: “Why aren’t you working?”

He responds without even opening his eyes.

Coworker: “The data entry laptop is outta juice, so I’m giving it twenty minutes to recharge its batteries.”

The laptop he’s referring to has all the confidential customer data on it, and it’s office policy not to disseminate that information, so anyone who wants to do the data entry has to use that laptop and only that one.

Me: “Then why are you sleeping?”

Coworker: “I’m also taking twenty minutes to recharge my batteries.”

I laughed, shook my head, and walked away.

A few years ago, we had a new developer who had been with us for a few months and frequently joked about how he was “too cheap” to do things. During one of our standups (brief daily status meetings), the subject of Halloween came up.

New Guy: “So, are we all going to dress up for Halloween?”

Manager: “No.”

New Guy: “Aww, you’re no fun.”

Manager: “Let me rephrase. I have no intent to dress up. If you want to look ridiculous, you’re welcome to come in whatever costume you want.”

New Guy: “I’d totally do that if I wasn’t too cheap to buy a costume.”

Manager: “Really? You make it sound like we don’t pay you anything.”

New Guy: “Hey, if costumes are so cheap, you’re welcome to buy me one.”

Coworker: “You know what? If you promise to actually wear whatever I get you, I’d be more than happy to find a costume for you.”

New Guy: “You know what? Sure. I have no pride, so bring it on. Let’s see what terrible costume you can find for me to wear.”

We took him up on it, and he actually got not one but two different costumes brought in by different coworkers. One was a dress worn by one of the characters from Frozen. The other was a sexy maid outfit, with an emphasis on sexy — even by our work’s non-existent dress code, it was rather questionable whether he could have gotten away with showing up at work dressed in that thing.

He wasn’t daunted, and on Halloween, he showed up wearing both costumes, with the majority of the maid outfit put on over top of the dress.

Me: “You look ridiculous. I can’t believe you actually wore them.”

New Guy: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ll have you know I feel pretty and witty and gay!”

We spent the next year joking about what terrible outfit we could force him to wear the subsequent Halloween, but sadly, that’s when the global health crisis hit, and none of us was working in person for Halloween. [New Guy] did post a photo of himself in the princess dress on our work chatroom to cheer us up a little that Halloween, though he claimed to have “mysteriously” lost the sexy maid outfit.

I am talking with the married coworkers from this story.

Wife: “If I don’t stop him, he wears clothes with holes in. He’s terrible.”

[Husband] mutters.

Me: “I’ve noticed that my socks don’t wear out evenly, surprisingly, so if I put two pairs on, the holes don’t line up and they’re still wearable.”

[Husband] starts listening with interest.

Wife: “DON’T GIVE HIM IDEAS!”

Related:
Married To A Yes-Man

My dad told me this story long ago, so I apologize for not knowing specific ranks or terminology. He was one of the ship’s cooks aboard a minesweeper during the tail end of the Vietnam War. At some point, the ship took on a bunch of Marines for an excursion.

I can’t speak for the behavior of servicemen now, but the Marines at the time were a bunch of arrogant jerks (keepin’ it PG) who believed themselves to be the best of the best and believed that Navy servicemen were wussies (also keepin’ it PG). There was a lot of strutting, preening, and smart-aleck, derogatory sneering toward the Navy men aboard the ship.

In port, anyway.

On the first day on the ocean, things turned around rather quickly against the Marines. Sneering jerks turned into very quiet, very green balls of misery who nibbled delicately at plain crackers and often could be found hanging over the side of the ship. Seasickness hit and hit hard.

This is where my dad and his fellow Navy men took their petty revenge. After days in port with swaggering jerks, certain foods were… requisitioned from the kitchen. Kippered snacks. Anchovies. Oysters. Pickles. Food with powerful smells and tastes got distributed among the Navy servicemen.

The worst offenders got to see fishtails sticking out of mouths and being wiggled up and down as though waving, while the rank smell of canned seafood followed behind them. Many Marines turned a deeper shade of green and fled their vicinity.

The Marines were quite subdued and far more respectful to the Navy men, well before the exercise was finished.

Dad said a few higher-ranking officers merely cleared their throats, ordered the men to finish chewing before they touched equipment, and said nothing more. To his dying day, Dad didn’t know if this was an official exercise or a punishment detail that Dad and his fellow Navy workers took malicious glee in strengthening.

I’ve been in the IT field for years. I’m at a new job; I’ve only been there about a week and I’m getting introduced to the “problem” people. You know the kind — they see fresh blood and they have to call with every d*** request or complaint they’ve EVER had in their entire existence? THEM.

I get a call from an overly irate woman complaining that her printer isn’t working.

Woman: “I’ve done everything to fix it and it still won’t work. I’m going to miss my deadline and it’s IT’s fault! I’m going to tell my boss that the reason I can’t get my work done is that IT isn’t helping me when I need help!”

Blah, blah, blah.

It should be noted that we have an entire network of printers she can print to — like thirty printers. If her printer doesn’t work, she could just flip over to another printer ten feet away and print. But NO. Instead, she’ll throw a massive hissy fit over the printer directly next to her.

I walk around and find these two women (sharing a pod) steaming angry — arms folded and all. The one is already gesticulating, pointing, jabbing fingers, slamming printer doors, and overall b****ing up a storm about the d*** printer not working.

And as I stand there, I notice that the entire cubicle area is WITHOUT POWER. They are in the F****** Dark.

Lamps. Off. PCs. Off. Phones. Off. Printer. OFF.

Now I’m wondering if I’m being hazed. I mean, I am the new girl. I’m looking around to see if people are watching me and soon they’re going to laugh and good times will ensue. No. These two whackjobs are dead serious, but it is only the one who is freaking out and complaining.

Me: *Calmly* “Did you notice how dark it is in here?”

Woman: “What does that have to do with me not being able to print?!”

Me: “You are sitting in the f****** dark because there is no power!”

They were both running heaters under their desks and flipped the circuit for their quadrant of the floor. And somehow, when this happened, they managed to NOT notice the lights going out, the phones going dead, or the PCs shutting down. No. Instead, they noticed that the printer stopped printing and called to scream about that.

I left and told them to call facilities. I’m pretty sure they heard my laughter from down the hall.