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The Fact That It Tells Time Is Just A Side Perk

, , , , | Learning | October 20, 2021

I’m taking my GCSEs (General Certificates of Secondary Education). My school, being the run-down and underfunded place it is, apparently doesn’t have the budget to fix the clocks in the exam hall, so we’re all encouraged to bring watches into the exam hall to help us keep track of time. I borrow my dad’s old watch and bring it to my exams.

Once the first exam is over, my class and I head down to the canteen where we kill some time before the next exam. [Classmate] notices my watch and asks to see it.

I hand it over and make small talk with a few other classmates. Suddenly, [Classmate] exclaims.

Classmate: “Dude! This is an [Expensive Brand] watch! It’s worth like, four or five grand. At least!”

The entire class gasps.

Me: *Shrugs* “My mom gave that to my dad as a wedding gift. He retired it when he got his new smartwatch last year, so I got it.”

Classmate: *Offended* “He retired it? You don’t retire an [Expensive Brand] watch for a mere smartwatch. That’s like using a Bible as toilet paper!”

He shakes his head in disgust. I take my watch back.

Classmate: “Dude, why are you bringing this to school?”

Me: “Uh, why wouldn’t I? It’s a watch. It tells the time.”

Classmate: *Deeply offended* “What type of savage are you? That’s not how you treat an [Expensive Brand] watch!”

Me: “Then please explain to me why you would buy a watch like this.”

Classmate: “To look good at parties and business meetings! To show everyone that you are rich and successful! It’s a status symbol!”

Me: “So, basically, jewellery.”

Classmate: “Now you get it! Telling the time.” *Scoffs* “Utterly ridiculous. Who actually buys watches for that?”

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Shockingly Dismissive

, , , , , | Related | October 9, 2021

When I was twelve, my family moved to a new house. A few weeks in, I reached for the bathroom light switch and received a mild electric shock. My dad is a licensed electrician, so my mum told me to let him know when he came back from work that night.

Me: “Dad, I got an electric shock from the bathroom switch.”

Dad: “How many times have I told you not to touch the switch with wet hands?!”

Me: “No, my hands were dry.”

Dad: “Then you wouldn’t have gotten a shock.”

Me: “But I did; the switch must be faulty.”

Dad: “You never dry your hands properly. They must have been damp when you touched it.”

Over the next twenty-two years, I continued to receive random shocks from the same switch, as did the rest of my family members, including my mother. His response was always dismissive. We couldn’t bring in a third-party electrician as he considered it a waste of money, not to mention doubting his ability. I took to leaving a wooden pencil near the bathroom door so I could use it to turn on the switch.

A few days ago, I noticed that there was a piece of duct tape over the light switch. I asked my mother about it.

Mom: “Oh, that. Dad put the tape there to mark the switch and will change it later.”

Me: “He’s changing it?”

Mom: “Yeah, he got an electric shock when he touched it.”

Me: *Sarcastically* “His hands must have been wet.”

Mom: *Not getting my sarcasm* “No, the switch is faulty; that’s why he’s changing it.”

Me: “Didn’t we tell him this over the past twenty-two years? He always said that he had never gotten a shock, so there couldn’t be anything wrong with it.”

I can only say that it’s a good thing that it was a low-voltage shock all those times.

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What A Nightmare!

, , , , | Romantic | August 14, 2021

My girlfriend frequently forgets her age and thinks she’s younger than she actually is. She needs to be reminded on a semi-regular basis that she’s twenty and no longer eighteen. She also has a lot of lucid dreams and will frequently sleep-talk. These two combined made this funny scene one morning.

Girlfriend: “Morning, [Primary School Teacher].”

She turns over in bed.

Girlfriend: “Ah, oops. Sorry. Forgot I’m no longer a student here. I’ll just run off to [Secondary School].”

She mutters something I don’t quite catch but then starts talking again.

Girlfriend: *Increasingly frantic* “Wait, where’re all my classmates? What do you mean, there are no more classes for [Old High School Class]? Then what do I do every day? What do I do every day?!”

Her alarm then goes off and she sits up, immediately awake.

Girlfriend: *In the glummest tone I’ve ever heard* “Ah, right. I’ve got a job now. I go to work every day.”

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How To Insure You Won’t Make The Sale

, , , , | Working | August 11, 2021

This happened some years ago. It was quite common for insurance companies to set up a booth at a shopping centre or bus depot, where they would approach passers-by and ask them to do a survey so they could promote their insurance plans. They had a reputation for being extremely aggressive, harassing easy targets like young students or elderly people, in order to meet their quotas.

My sister and I were at a bus depot. It was pretty crowded, so she was several paces ahead of me. We walked past one of these insurance booths, with agents waylaying passers-by.

Agent: “Can you help me to do this survey?”

Sister: “No, thanks, I’m in a hurry.”

Agent: “It’ll just be a few minutes.”

Sister: “I’m rushing to catch my bus.”

Agent: “It’s just a few minutes! My colleague will tell you more.”

She proceeded to GRAB my sister’s arm and physically DRAG her roughly over to the booth! Alarmed, I ran after them.

Agent: “Okay, we have this plan.”

She started to take out some brochures.

Sister: “My bus is here!”

Agent: “Oh, it’s okay! You can wait a few minutes for the next one. Now for this…”

She started to talk about their insurance

The bus left. My sister looked exasperated as she sat down, but I could see what she was about to do, so I stayed outside.

The agent talked for maybe fifteen more minutes, until the next bus arrived. My sister got up.

Sister: “Okay, I had a good rest. My bus is here.”

Agent: “Would you like to buy this plan?”

Sister: “As I said, I’m in a hurry. I’ve missed a bus, and now I’m even later. I was just sitting here to rest my feet.”

She got up and left. The agent gave her a black look, but my sister did say she wasn’t interested in the insurance plans; it’s not her fault that the agent wasn’t listening.

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When You Want To Be Fired They Have No Control Over You

, , , , | Right | July 23, 2021

The country goes into lockdown and all schools are closed. My mom, being my mom, decides that I have better things to do than lounge around at home twenty-four-seven and forces me to work part-time as a receptionist in a clinic run by my family.

As a fourteen-year-old, I seem to be a trouble magnet in the clinic. Every bully seems to think that it’ll be easy to browbeat me into pushing them to the front of the swab test queue.

Patient: “Hey! What’s taking so long? Can’t you hurry up?”

Me: “We’re working as fast as we can. Please be patient.”

Patient: “Work faster! I’m already late for my next appointment.”

Me: “Of course.”

He walks off and comes back within a minute.

Patient: “You’re all taking too long! I’m in a rush. I want to go next!”

Me: “I can’t do that. Everyone has to wait their turn. Doctor’s orders.”

Patient: “That’s fine, then. Because I’m his brother, and he’ll understand that I’m more important.”

Me: *Blinks in surprise* “No, you’re not.”

Patient: *Snarls* “Yes. I. Am.”

Me: “No, you’re not. Because Doctor [Surname #1] is my brother. And you’re definitely not our brother.”

Patient: “Bulls***! You’re lying!”

Me: “It doesn’t matter if I am. I’m the receptionist. I’m the one with the power here.”

Patient: “Who the h*** is Doctor [Surname #1], anyway? I’m Doctor [Surname #2]’s brother.”

That doctor is my brother’s predecessor. He retired a year or so back, so some patients aren’t too familiar with my brother.

Me: “Uh, Doctor [Surname #2] is my uncle, so I know that you’re not his brother.”

Patient: “Yes, I am! I’m the brother of the first doctor here!”

Me: “Impossible. The first doctor here is my grandfather. He founded the clinic and retired forty years ago. Also, all his brothers died in World War Two. So you’re either a zombie or an imposter. Which means we have a problem.”

Patient: “Why the f*** are you related to every doctor here?”

Me: “Read the sign right behind me.”

Patient: “Uh, [Surname #2] Family Clinic.”

Me: “Yes, the [Surname #2] Family Clinic. This place is literally my family business. Everyone that has worked here is a relative of mine.”

Patient: “In that case, I’m the landlord! And I demand to go in!”

Me: *Rolls eyes* “You really need to come up with better lies. My uncle is the landlord here. And he charges no rent.”

Patient: “Well, I’m a paying customer, so you’d better do it for the sake of your pay!”

Me: “I don’t even get paid! My mom forced me to work here for free!”

Patient: “Oh, so that’s why you’re so useless at your job.”

He stomped off to try to bully the other receptionist, my aunt, who’s even meaner than I am. Needless to say, that failed. She didn’t even waste time talking to him; she just said that if he tried to coerce her, she’d throw him to the back of the queue, no questions asked. That got him to shut up and sit down.

Later that night, when we went home, my brother mentioned to me that that guy complained that I was a liar and lazy and that I should be fired. I agreed wholeheartedly. My brother ought to fire me on the spot.

Alas, our mother banned him from doing that, so I was forced to keep working for the clinic.

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