My colleague is away on a business trip. He set an auto message to inform people emailing him that he would be away. However, not being very good with computers, he did not know you could change how often the auto message is sent out. Thus, it was set to the default, which was to send an auto-reply for EVERY email he received.

Previously, he had to purchase some items from [Brand]’s website for a client. This subscribed him to their mailing list. They sent him a mailer this morning, which is also automated.

And so, the fun started.

[Brand]’s Auto Mailer: “Sale on today!”

Colleague’s Auto Mailer: “Thanks for your email. I am away from 29 November to 10 December.”

[Brand]’s Auto Mailer: “Thank you for your enquiry. We have received your request: (ticket id: 54321). Our team will contact you shortly.”

Colleague’s Auto Mailer: “Thanks for your email. I am away from 29 November to 10 December.”

[Brand]’s Auto Mailer: “Thank you for your enquiry. We have received your request: (ticket id: 54322). Our team will contact you shortly.”

Colleague’s Auto Mailer: “Thanks for your email. I am away from 29 November to 10 December.”

[Brand]’s Auto Mailer: “Thank you for your enquiry. We have received your request: (ticket id: 54323). Our team will contact you shortly.”

Colleague’s Auto Mailer: “Thanks for your email. I am away from 29 November to 10 December.”

[Brand]’s Auto Mailer: “Thank you for your enquiry. We have received your request: (ticket id: 54324). Our team will contact you shortly.”

This went back and forth repeatedly, and they had sent eight support tickets by the time [Colleague] noticed and asked me for help. I about died laughing.

[Coworker] is the laziest guy in the office. He’s also the most competent guy in the office, which is probably the only reason that he hasn’t been fired yet.

One day, I catch him napping on the break room sofa.

Me: “Why aren’t you working?”

He responds without even opening his eyes.

Coworker: “The data entry laptop is outta juice, so I’m giving it twenty minutes to recharge its batteries.”

The laptop he’s referring to has all the confidential customer data on it, and it’s office policy not to disseminate that information, so anyone who wants to do the data entry has to use that laptop and only that one.

Me: “Then why are you sleeping?”

Coworker: “I’m also taking twenty minutes to recharge my batteries.”

I laughed, shook my head, and walked away.

When I was in high school, I was a huge nerd. I loved reading and did very well in class. Most of my classmates made fun of me, but I didn’t mind. The worst, however, was this one classmate who pretended to be my friend so she could copy answers from me. A friend warned me that she was making fun of me behind my back for being a nerd and bookworm.

Fast forward eight years later, to our early twenties. I was with [Friend], and we ran into [Classmate] at the mall. She started bragging about a recent trip to Australia.

Classmate: “My husband and I had such a great time! And look, I bought this gorgeous bracelet!”

Me: *Politely* “Oh, nice. Abalone shell is very pretty.”

Classmate: *Looking shocked* “No! It’s Australian opal!”

I took a second look. Yup, it was definitely an abalone shell, the kind commonly known as “Sea Opal”.

Me: “Err… I think they gave you the wrong information.”

I was trying to think of a nice way to tell her she had been scammed.

Classmate: *Stroking the bracelet* “The salesman told me it’s Australian opal. And I bought it in Australia, which is famous for opal.”

[Friend] and I made our excuses and left. [Friend] turned to me.

Friend: “So, was it really an abalone shell?”

Me: “Yes, real opal does not look like that.”

I explained how to tell the difference and showed her photos from Google.

Friend: “Ha! So, it pays to be a nerd after all! See what she gets when she makes fun of nerds!”

It is our busiest time, and I have at least a dozen projects waiting for me, all of which will take a long time to do. At this moment, my boss accidentally knocks over a glass bottle behind some shelves. It’s at an angle where I have to do some fancy gymnastics to reach it, so when I grab it — you guessed it — I cut my hand quite deeply.

Boss: “Wait, you should see to that.”

Me: “I don’t have time to bleed!”

My two younger siblings… don’t get along. My sister and brother bicker like cats and dogs. And they both never pass up an opportunity to screw each other over.

It’s Chinese New Year, and the entire family is at the Reunion Dinner. Traditionally, during this time, the older relatives will give Ang Pao, or red envelopes filled with money, to the children.

Given the sheer number of relatives we have — many of whom are fairly rich and generous — we individually rake in at least a thousand bucks in cash from the Ang Pao every year.

Naturally, given the risks of children carrying around huge sums of cash, our parents insist that until we are teenagers, we three siblings must immediately pass the cash to them and that they’ll deposit the corresponding amount of money into our bank accounts. (And even after I was thirteen, I kept passing the money for deposit until I was seventeen.)

But of course, as an eleven-year-old boy, my brother perceives this as his parents essentially “stealing” his “hard-earned” money and hiding it away, only giving out a pittance for his allowance. Never mind that [Brother] will waste it all buying trading cards if we do actually give it to him.

Anywho, we’re at the Reunion Dinner, and my siblings and I rake in the cash, as usual.

My brother is desperately hiding it from our parents, clutching his Ang Pao like babies, refusing to even let go of them to pick up cutlery.

Sister: “Hey, how about I hold onto your Ang Pao for you? I’ve got a handbag.”

Brother: “No! You’re just going to give it to Mommy!”

That’s a fair suspicion. [Sister] has done that trick at least thrice before, patiently waiting as the party drags on and [Brother] tires out, before surreptitiously handing the money to Mom while he’s dozing in the car.

Sister: “She won’t take it. She can’t take it from me. I’m already over eighteen.”

Brother: “No! You’re still going to give it to Mommy anyway!”

Sister: “I’ll pinky promise you.”

Brother: “No!”

Sister: “All right, I promise that if I ever give those Ang Pao to Mommy, I’ll give you my PC.”

Now, [Brother] perks up. [Sister] has just splurged a huge chunk of her savings on a custom-built, top-of-the-line gaming PC. It’s the envy of the entire family, especially [Brother], who has coveted one for years.

Naturally, I smell something fishy, and it’s not the seafood we’re eating. And from the looks of the rest of the family, they smell it, too. As I previously said, neither of my younger siblings will pass on an opportunity to screw each other over. So, everyone, including [Brother] himself, knows that the person who wants to steal [Brother]’s cash the most in the entire party is [Sister].

But at the same time, say what you will about [Sister], for all that she’s devious, mercenary, and backbiting, everyone knows that she keeps her promises — doubly so if there’s collateral involved, and triply so if the collateral is something like her PC.

Brother: *Sticks out his pinky* “Okay.”

They shake on it, and [Brother] hands over his Ang Pao.

Sister: *To Dad* “Here’s [Brother]’s Ang Pao money. Please put it in the bank for him.” *Hands them over*

Brother: “What?!”

Sister: *Grinning triumphantly* “I promised never to give your money to Mommy. You never said anything about Daddy.”

The entire family burst out laughing as [Brother] spluttered incoherently in rage.