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The Squeaky Wheel May Get The Grease, But…

, , , , , , | Working | January 11, 2022

This happens in my work chat group.

Boss: “I’m naming [My Name] employee of the month.”

Coworker: “Why?! He was on leave the whole month!”

Boss: “Exactly! He’s caused me the least amount of trouble this month!”

Using His Outside Voice

, , , , | Right | December 8, 2021

My family is having lunch at a small restaurant when I’m about eight. My mum orders takeout to eat in the restaurant because she doesn’t like the food in the restaurant. We don’t realise that the restaurant has a “no outside food” policy. As the waiter begins to serve us our food, he notices my mum’s food.

Waiter:  “Sorry, ma’am, you’re not allowed to eat that here.”

My mum apologises and begins to put her food away. However, my dad is furious.

Dad: “What do you mean she’s not allowed to eat here?”

Waiter: We have a ‘no outside food’ policy.”

Dad: “Bulls***. I’m just trying to have a meal with my family and you’re stopping us from that. Let me talk to your manager!”

The manager comes and tells him the same thing.

Dad: “This is bulls***!” *To me and my siblings.* “Don’t eat any of the food; we’re leaving.”

My dad forces us to leave the restaurant, and on our way out, I see the “No outside food” sign.

Me: “Daddy, look! The sign says, ‘No outside food’!”

Dad: “SHUT UP!”

They Don’t Know What True Harassment Is…

, , | Right | October 22, 2021

My sister works as an assistant at an international department store during the school holidays. The store policy is for the staff to greet the customer as they pass you.

Assistant #1: “Good morning, ma’am. Welcome to [Store].”

A few minutes later:

Assistant #2: *In passing* “Good morning, ma’am.” *Walks past*

A few minutes later:

Assistant #3: *In passing* “Good morning, ma’am.”

The customer looks annoyed.

Customer: “Get me your manager!”

[Assistant #3] is puzzled but complies.

Manager: “Good morning, ma’am. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Your staff won’t stop bothering me while I shop!”

Manager: “How have they been bothering you, ma’am?”

Customer: “They’re so pushy and keep trying to make me buy their products! I just want to buy [item]. I’m not going to buy anything else! You can tell them to stop harassing me!”

The manager was able to placate her. Later, he gathered the staff in the back room and asked them about it. They explained that the most they had done was to wish her a good morning, and they could vouch for each other as they were all within hearing range.

I guess some people just don’t want to have a good morning.

The Fact That It Tells Time Is Just A Side Perk

, , , , | Learning | October 20, 2021

I’m taking my GCSEs (General Certificates of Secondary Education). My school, being the run-down and underfunded place it is, apparently doesn’t have the budget to fix the clocks in the exam hall, so we’re all encouraged to bring watches into the exam hall to help us keep track of time. I borrow my dad’s old watch and bring it to my exams.

Once the first exam is over, my class and I head down to the canteen where we kill some time before the next exam. [Classmate] notices my watch and asks to see it.

I hand it over and make small talk with a few other classmates. Suddenly, [Classmate] exclaims.

Classmate: “Dude! This is an [Expensive Brand] watch! It’s worth like, four or five grand. At least!”

The entire class gasps.

Me: *Shrugs* “My mom gave that to my dad as a wedding gift. He retired it when he got his new smartwatch last year, so I got it.”

Classmate: *Offended* “He retired it? You don’t retire an [Expensive Brand] watch for a mere smartwatch. That’s like using a Bible as toilet paper!”

He shakes his head in disgust. I take my watch back.

Classmate: “Dude, why are you bringing this to school?”

Me: “Uh, why wouldn’t I? It’s a watch. It tells the time.”

Classmate: *Deeply offended* “What type of savage are you? That’s not how you treat an [Expensive Brand] watch!”

Me: “Then please explain to me why you would buy a watch like this.”

Classmate: “To look good at parties and business meetings! To show everyone that you are rich and successful! It’s a status symbol!”

Me: “So, basically, jewellery.”

Classmate: “Now you get it! Telling the time.” *Scoffs* “Utterly ridiculous. Who actually buys watches for that?”

Shockingly Dismissive

, , , , , | Related | October 9, 2021

When I was twelve, my family moved to a new house. A few weeks in, I reached for the bathroom light switch and received a mild electric shock. My dad is a licensed electrician, so my mum told me to let him know when he came back from work that night.

Me: “Dad, I got an electric shock from the bathroom switch.”

Dad: “How many times have I told you not to touch the switch with wet hands?!”

Me: “No, my hands were dry.”

Dad: “Then you wouldn’t have gotten a shock.”

Me: “But I did; the switch must be faulty.”

Dad: “You never dry your hands properly. They must have been damp when you touched it.”

Over the next twenty-two years, I continued to receive random shocks from the same switch, as did the rest of my family members, including my mother. His response was always dismissive. We couldn’t bring in a third-party electrician as he considered it a waste of money, not to mention doubting his ability. I took to leaving a wooden pencil near the bathroom door so I could use it to turn on the switch.

A few days ago, I noticed that there was a piece of duct tape over the light switch. I asked my mother about it.

Mom: “Oh, that. Dad put the tape there to mark the switch and will change it later.”

Me: “He’s changing it?”

Mom: “Yeah, he got an electric shock when he touched it.”

Me: *Sarcastically* “His hands must have been wet.”

Mom: *Not getting my sarcasm* “No, the switch is faulty; that’s why he’s changing it.”

Me: “Didn’t we tell him this over the past twenty-two years? He always said that he had never gotten a shock, so there couldn’t be anything wrong with it.”

I can only say that it’s a good thing that it was a low-voltage shock all those times.