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Fear Not The Magic Of The Lightning Guild

| Working | May 13, 2015

(I am having some work done in my house when a new worker shows up, surprising me since I thought I knew everyone and the head contractor had not told me new people were showing up.)

Man: “Fear not my magics, fair maiden. I am a servant of peace! I am the one they call the Ender of all that is Dark! The vile forces of the water dwellers have rendered my brother unable to continue the tasks unsigned to him by the leader of our order.”

Me: “I- uh… what?”

Man: *laughs heartily* “I’m the new electrician; [Name] got some bad sushi last night, so our boss called me in to finish the job.”

Me: *bursts out laughing* “Oh, my god, that is the best thing I’ve ever heard!”

Not Being A Complete Tool

| Related | November 7, 2014

(My teenage brother is doing carpentry work for a contracting company. His coworkers are looking at a calendar that features scantily-clad women with construction equipment.)

Coworker: “Hey, [Brother], check this one out.”

(He holds up a picture of a woman wearing nothing but a tool-belt.)

Brother: “Wow, nice tool-belt!”

(Yes, he was serious.)

You’ve Got An Honest Signature

, , | Right | December 31, 2008

(One day, a courier came in to drop off a check. I was using one of our pens to sign it.)

Courier: “Hey, that’s a really nice pen!”

Me: “Yeah, it’s not bad.”

Courier: “Don’t worry, though. I’m not going to steal it!”

Me: “Ha… okay…”

Courier: “No, for real. I don’t steal things.”

Me: “That’s… good?”

(By now I’ve finished signing, but she isn’t leaving.)

Courier: “My best friend once accused me of stealing her check. Her $300 check!”

Me: “Um… that’s too bad.”

Courier: “We aren’t friends anymore. I mean, I make that much money in a DAY! You hear me?! I drive around MILLION-dollar checks. Why would I steal her stupid tiny check?”

Me: “I don’t know…”

Courier: “I let her move into my basement. I told her it was only $500 a month. Isn’t that a great deal? Isn’t it?!”

Me: “Yeah, sounds good…”

Courier: “And how does the little b**** thank me? She accuses me of stealing her money! When I can steal ANYBODY’S million-dollar checks! So you know what I told her? I told her to get the f*** out of my basement!”

Me: “…”

Courier: “Now I hear she’s on drugs. What a winner. Not like you. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. You wouldn’t accuse me of stealing, would you?”

Me: “Um… no.”

Not Dyed Dark Enough, Apparently

, , , | Right | June 20, 2008

(My father does all sorts of contracting work from plumbing to construction. This is a phone call he had with a customer whose home he’s worked at before.)

Customer: “I went to take a shower and there’s no hot water in the bathroom. I want you to come over and fix it.”

Him: “No hot water? Is there any water coming from the faucet at all?”

Customer: “Well, I turned it a little bit and no water came out!”

Him: “Okay. Go into the kitchen, and turn on the tap in the sink there. Tell me if you get any water. ”

Customer: *long pause* “… okay, I get water on this tap.”

Him: “Is it running hot?”

Customer: “Yes, it is.”

Him: “Well, the hot water is all on the same line, so the kitchen sink and the shower should have hot water. Are you sure you turned the tap on far enough?”

Customer: “Now listen here! I may be blond but I dye my hair! I have dark roots, you know! I’d know whether or not I turned on the tap far enough, and I know I did!”

(She hangs up, and a few minutes pass. The phone rings again.)

Him: “Hello?”

Customer: “The hot water’s working in the shower now. I just didn’t turn on the tap for long enough…”