I work in real estate. A friend of mine tells me they’re looking to buy a nicer apartment, and I end up having just the one for them. Her husband works in tech, so they get a million-dollar apartment (hey, it’s San Francisco), and I expect to get a healthy commission from the sale.

Except when my pay slip comes around, in which I am expecting to see it… nada. I bring it up with my boss:

Boss: “We can’t exactly go rewarding you with commission on an apartment you sold to your friends.”

Me: “Why? How is that any different from you selling that house to the owner of the golf club you go to?”

Boss: “That’s different.”

Me: “How?”

Boss: “He’s not my friend.”

Me: “But you were able to sell him the house because you knew him outside of work, right?”

Boss: “Yes, but that’s networking, not friends!”

Me: “I fail to see the difference in this instance. Do you agree that I sold the apartment and made the commission for the company?”

Boss: “Yes, but—”

Me: “—and so you’re saying because I knew the buyers in a non-professional context, I do not deserve my own commission?”

Boss: “You’re spinning words.”

Me: “No, I’m just calling out the hypocrisy. So, will I be able to tell my friends the good news that the company will be returning the entirety of the fees that they paid? After all, if I don’t deserve my commission, then neither does the company, right? They’ll be so thrilled; they’re saving for a new car.”

Boss: “We’ll talk about this later.”

We did not talk about it later, but I did get a check cut out for my commission by his confused secretary at the end of the day.

Related:
Commission Impossible, Part 2
Commission Impossible

I’ve been showing an older couple some houses for most of the day. They’re happily flipping through some more listings at my office after another viewing.

Me: “So, you’ve seen a few you like. Have you thought about financing? Or are you planning to buy outright?”

Husband: *Smiling.* “Oh, I think we’re done for now. We’re not buying, y’see.”

Me: “…I’m sorry?”

Husband: “Looking at old houses is our hobby. We read in an old Reader’s Digest once that you can do that.”

Me: “Sir… no, you can’t really do that. I want to sell these houses. If you’re not interested in buying, you’re wasting everyone’s time.”

Husband: *Oblivious.* “Well, no, we’re not wasting our time.”

Me: *Sighs, standing.* “Right. Then we’re finished here.”

Wife: “Why are you so upset? You’re paid to show people houses.”

Me: “No, I’m paid to sell houses.”

I show them the door. They still seem a little bemused as to why I am upset. I then immediately start dialing. One by one, I warn my coworkers (and even some competitors) at other offices not to waste their schedules.

The next day, one of my competitors calls me, laughing.

Competitor: “Hey, thanks for the heads up. Your hobby couple rang us for a showing today. When we told them no and then told them why, they got furious, like we’d broken some sacred rule of theirs.”

Me: *Chuckling.* “Yeah, well… apparently Reader’s Digest forgot to mention that house-hunting-for-fun only works if the agent doesn’t know you’re a tourist.”

About a year ago, one of my coworkers was closing on a house. I walked in on the Monday after she was supposed to have closed on it, to find her and another coworker laughing.

Homebuyer: “Haha, so now we have to wait.”

Me: “Wait for what?”

Homebuyer: “Oh, hi, [My Name]. We have to wait until next Saturday to close on the house.”

Me: “Oh, what happened?”

Other Coworker: “The seller had their mother-in-law locked in the basement!”

I blink, my brain having skipped a beat at that, before I turn to give Homebuyer an incredulous look.

Me: “What?”

Homebuyer: “No, the mother-in-law had locked herself in the basement. They had a deadbolt on the door.”

Me: “…I repeat, what?”

Homebuyer: *Laughing again.* “Okay, so, the seller’s mother-in-law had been living in their basement and decided she didn’t want to move out. So, the seller had installed a deadbolt on the basement door for her, and they were expecting us to just go along with her living in the basement.”

Me: “Okay, I’m still baffled, but at least now I think I’m baffled about the right thing.”

A week later, despite much grumbling by the seller and their mother-in-law, they had been fully moved out, and my coworker was able to properly close on the house.

A couple of months after that, the mother-in-law apparently turned up to try and ask if they had ‘changed their minds yet’ about letting her ‘back into her apartment’. They said no and had to deal with a grown woman having a temper tantrum on their driveway, but she eventually left, and they haven’t heard anything from her since.

Early 2025, I took a job that required travel almost exclusively, so I decided to try to sell my house. After I got some crazy lowball offers in the first two months (a third of market value at most), I switched to trying to rent. A woman reached out immediately via WhatsApp.

Woman: “I’d like to rent your residency for the year.”

Me: “Hi, thank you for reaching out. The house is a two-bedroom, one-point-five bath with a quarter acre of attached, fenced land in [Town]. The rent is $1000 per month, and you would be responsible for lawn care and utilities. When would you like to get together?”

Woman: “For social distancing purposes, I prefer not to meet.”

Me: “No problem, we can set up a video call, and I can show you around.”

Woman: “I do not use social media and would not like to be on camera.”

Me: “Okay… I’m not comfortable just agreeing to rent to someone who hasn’t even seen the place. How will you know you like it?”

Woman: “I can pay $800 a month for everything. Send me the lease.”

Me: “Unfortunately, that is not an offer I can entertain. I don’t think this is the place for you. I’m sorry.”

Woman: “This is discrimination! Do you dislike black, disabled women? I will report you to the news and my lawyer!”

Me: “You do that, ma’am. Have a nice day.”

Obviously, I’ve never seen her; she had no profile picture on WhatsApp, and even though I did search for her name all over the internet, nothing came up. And, what a surprise, I never heard from the news stations or her lawyer!

Related:
Unreal Estate

Reading this story, I was reminded of something that happened to me a few years ago.

I was selling my apartment because I had just managed to buy a house. Obviously, I wanted to sell as quickly as possible, at the asking price (or higher).

The process started well, with the estate agent handling most of the paperwork. Cleaning down the whole place wouldn’t be a problem either; I was going to hire a crew for that. Preparing for the viewing, I bought flowerpots and tidied up the yard to make things prettier.

So, when did the problem start? You guessed it: not when dealing with professionals, but when dealing with potential buyers.

First, the estate agent called me and said that there was a potential buyer who wanted a viewing outside of the time he had set up. This would mean that I would have to be there and show them around myself, exactly the kind of thing I’d hired an estate agent to handle for me. I also had to tidy up, since the cleaning crew hadn’t been there yet. Honestly, I could have refused, but I desperately wanted as many people as possible to come to view the place, to increase my chances of getting the price I needed. The lady arrived, and I showed her (and her two small kids) around the place. She was pleasant but ended up not wanting to make an offer. 

A couple of days later, the agent called again. ANOTHER person wanted a private viewing. The timing was awful, as I was swamped at work, and I also had to do more cleaning and tidying up before he arrived. I didn’t feel like doing this extra work, after all, the estate agent was supposed to be handling the viewings, but once again, I allowed it.

This time, a young man arrived and looked around the place. After showing him around, it became obvious that he was a first-time buyer. Why? Well, sometimes, in a hot market, a buyer will try to ‘snipe’ the home by making an offer directly to the seller instead of going via the estate agent. It’s a practice that’s frowned upon since it means fewer buyers get to actually see the place, but it happens quite a lot. It can be good for the sellers, though, because the buyer will have to bid above the asking price to convince the seller to sell without showing the home to any other buyers. Apparently, though… this guy didn’t know that.

Potential Buyer: “I’m interested. Can I make a bid now?”

Me: “Well, you can talk to the estate agent and…”

Potential Buyer: “How about [price almost 10% LOWER than the asking price]?”

Me: “Uh… no.”

As soon as he made that low offer, I knew he didn’t know what he was doing. In order to tempt a seller to take the home off the market, the typical thing a buyer will do is bid higher, not lower. I wrapped up the meeting, got him out of there and immediately decided not to do any more private viewings.

That same evening, the same potential buyer started sending me text messages, again, directly, instead of talking to the estate agent.

Potential Buyer: “Bro! Sell me your apartment, I really like it!”

Me: “You’ll have to talk to the estate agent. The reason I hired him is so I don’t have to deal with these matters myself.”

I also wanted to say that I wasn’t his “bro”, but I held my tongue.

The rest of the process went okay, but the estate agent told me he hadn’t had many people coming to the official viewing, so I was nervous that I wouldn’t be able to sell. Eventually, though, there was one person who made a bid just under the asking price. According to the estate agent, he was a nice guy, so I accepted his offer and prepared to move on. Enter: the afore-mentioned ‘sniper/bro’. 

He sent in a bid at the asking price five minutes before the deadline. This might work on eBay, but not in the housing market. When making a bid in this country, you have to give the agent time to inform the seller about the offer, as well as the other bidders, and give them time to react. Taking the advice of the agent, I rejected that offer and accepted the first one, even though that was slightly lower.

The estate agent said he would do his best to ‘educate’ the late bidder on the correct process.