Pay The Price And Face The Music

, , , | Right | August 14, 2010

(A customer is placing an order for sheet music over the phone.)

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “I need books.”

Me: “What are you looking for?”

(The customer lists off three more items, all of which need to be ordered.)

Me: “I can order those for you. However, the store requires a full deposit on sheet music orders.”

Customer: “Okay. How much is the last book? The Three Sonatas?”

(The Three Sonatas is a collection of various sonatas by a specific composer.)

Me: “$34.95.”

Customer: “I just need one, though.”

Me: “Unfortunately, they’re not printed separately. It’s only available in this collection.”

Customer: “It’s too expensive.”

Me: “Then you don’t want me to order it?”

Customer: “I need it.”

Me: “So I’ll order it.”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “No?”

Customer: “I need it. But you give me a discount.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “You order the book. I’ll cut out the music I want, and pay a discount.”


This story is part of our Musically Ignorant Customers roundup!

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Death By A-Salt

, , , , , , | Right | August 13, 2010

Customer: “I checked your flyer and it said that [Major Brand] margarine was on sale this week.”

Me: “I don’t believe so, but I will check our flyer to see.”

(As I’m flipping through the pages she stops when she sees an advertisement for a sale.)

Customer: “See, right there. It says save $2.98.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it says save $2.98 when you buy [Company Brand] Margarine, not [Major Brand].”

Customer: “Oh. Well, my husband needs the salt-free kind, and [Company Brand] doesn’t make a salt-free.”

Me: “That’s not the one that’s on sale.”

Customer: “He needs a salt-free kind.”

Me: “Then you’ll have to buy the [Major Brand] one.”

Customer: “But it’s not on sale, and he needs a salt-free.”

Me: “Yes, I heard you ma’am, but if [Company Brand], doesn’t make a salt-free margarine, then you will have to buy the [Major Brand].”

Customer: “You don’t understand. My husband needs a salt-free margarine. If he has a normal margarine, it will spike his sodium and he’ll die.”

Me: “Then you’ll have to buy the [Major Brand].”

Customer: “But it’s not on sale.”

Me: “Well, there’s nothing I can do about it, ma’am.”

Customer: “You really don’t care anything about my husband’s health, do you? You don’t care that he could die so easily do you?”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s not that I don’t care. You can buy the salt-free [Major Brand].”

Customer: “But that margarine isn’t on sale! You are just going to stand there and murder my husband!”

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Criminal Behavior

, , , , , | Right | August 9, 2010

(For 11 days each summer, Calgary goes a bit crazy with The Stampede. Businesses are decorated in Old West themes, and our bank is no exception. For the occasion we print up ‘Wanted Dead or Alive’ posters featuring our manager and certain tellers and plaster them around the lobby. A customer walks in, looks at the posters, looks around in alarm at our bank manager, and then sidles up to my line.)

Customer: “Are you all right? I know you can’t talk, but do you want me to call 911?”

Me: “What’s the problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “Are they holding you hostage?”

Me: “Who?”

Customer: “Them!” *gestures at my bank manager*

Me: Oh, ma’am, they’re not criminals; they’re regular staff. This is Stampede!”

Customer: “You shouldn’t put up posters like that. It’s like yelling ‘Fire!’ in a movie theater!”

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Better Safe Than Saucy

, , , | Right | August 9, 2010

(A young boy comes up to me and points at the clam sauce for spaghetti.)

Boy: “Can I have this sauce?”

Me: “Sure, it’s clam. Is that okay?”

Boy: “Clam? What’s clam?”

(I start clapping my fingers together motioning a clam closing and opening.)

Me: “A clam? You don’t know what a clam is?”

Boy: *blank stare.*

Me: “Okay, well, are you allergic to any shellfish?”

Boy: “What’s a shellfish?”

Me: “Okay, you’re getting tomato sauce.”


This story is part of our Allergic To Common Sense roundup!

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Blame A Lack Of Concentration

, , , , , | Right | August 3, 2010

Customer: “Excuse me.”

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m trying to return this orange juice.”

Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “It’s brown.”

Me: “Oh, wow. When did you purchase it?”

Customer: “The 19th of this month.” *hands me her receipt*

Me: “Miss, this receipt says you purchased this orange juice on the 19th of last year. You bought this 367 days ago.”

Customer: “Yes, and it’s gone brown. I’d like a refund.”

Me: “Did it not occur to you that orange juice would expire over the course of the year?”

Customer: “I thought if I waited until the 19th of the month again, it would be okay.”

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