(I work in a fast-food restaurant that opened less than a year ago. Our phone number used to belong to an outpatient X-ray and ultrasound clinic.)

Me: “Hello, [Fast Food Restaurant].”

Caller: “I’m calling the results of my X-ray.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but this is [Restaurant]. We don’t do X-rays here.”

Caller: “I just need my results.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t have them here.”

Caller: “Who are you?!”

Me: “This is [Restaurant].”

Caller: “What do you have there?”

Me: “We are a fast food place. We sell mainly hamburgers.”

Caller: “Well, I don’t need that! You sure don’t have my results there?”

Me: “Very sure.”

Caller: “Well, do you know who has them?”

Me: “Your family doctor, maybe?”

Caller: “Do you have their number?”

Me: “…I’m sorry, but no, I don’t.”

Caller: “Well, you’re no help!” *hangs up*

(This occurs when I’m bringing desserts and coffee to a table with two customers—one middle-aged woman and one elderly woman.)

Me: “Here you go. Is there anything else I can get for you ladies?”

Middle-aged Customer: “An extra fork, please.”

Me: “I’ll get you one right away.”

(After I return with her fork…)

Elderly Customer: “Excuse me, but my coffee is far too strong.”

Middle-aged Customer: “…and old. I tried some, and it’s clearly been sitting for a long time.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry about the strength, although I actually made that coffee after you ordered it. I can make you another less strong one if you’d like.”

Elderly Customer: “Yes, please.”

(I leave, make her a new coffee at half-strength, and come back to return it, at which point they’ve eaten all of their dessert.)

Me: “Here you go.”

Middle-aged Customer: “Excuse me, but the mango cheesecake was far too sweet.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry about that. The cheesecake is something they make in the kitchen, but I’ll certainly let them know for you.”

Middle-aged Customer: “Could I maybe get a discount on it, or have it for free because of that?”

Me: “Um… I can ask the chef for you, but I don’t think he’ll say yes, since you finished the whole thing.”

Middle-aged Customer: “Well, I didn’t mention this earlier, but my dinner was also too salty.”

Me: “Again, I can let them know, and ask about a discount, but you ate the whole thing, so I doubt I’ll be allowed to reduce the price for you.”

Middle-aged Customer: “The scallops in it were mushy, too!”

Me: “Well, they were breaded scallops and the dish you ordered was very saucy. It’s unfortunately unavoidable that they’d get somewhat soft from the sauce. Again, I can talk to the kitchen for you, but I doubt there’ll be any result.”

Middle-aged Customer: “Hmm…” *to the elderly customer* “Did we order any appetizers?”

Elderly Customer: “The appetizer was delicious, you said so yourself. Now stop trying to get freebies and let the poor girl go do her job. There are other people at other tables that you’re keeping her from helping by holding her here with all your complaints.”

Middle-aged Customer: “Fine! That’s everything. Just bring us the bill.”

(As I leave to go to the kitchen and deliver her complaints, I hear the elderly customer berating the middle-aged one.)

Elderly Customer: “Shame on you, a grown woman! I didn’t raise you to be a greedyguts!”

(Two younger teens are hanging out near the specialty store where I work.)

Young Teen #1: “Aw man, these pants are f***ing sweet!”

Young Teen #2: “S***, I know! I love this f***ing store!”

(The swearing and vulgar language keeps up for a while as families enter the store. A lady walks in with her young boy who can’t be older than three or four. He stands near the young teens and listens to their foul language for a while. Suddenly, he marches up to them with his hands in his little pockets, unimpressed.)

Little Boy: “HEY! I’m here! I can hear you! Don’t talk like that!”

Young Teens: *look dumbfounded and leave the store*

This story is part of the Swearing roundup!

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Customer: “How much is it to blow this picture up to 10×12?”

Me: “Well, it would have go to onto 11×17 paper, so there would be a $3 service charge, and then copies would be—”

Customer: “I didn’t pay $3 last time!”

Me: “Oh, so you left it with us for longer than an hour? Then it will be a $2 service charge—”

Customer: “No! I didn’t pay $3 or $2 last time! They blew it up for me and it was only $1!”

Me: “They did it for you for only $1? The only way you could have paid that price is if you did it in self-serve.”

Customer: “Yes! We did it in self-serve! There was no $3 fee!”

Me: “Right, self-serve doesn’t have a fee, because you are doing it yourself.”

Customer: “But I want YOU to do it for me.”

Me: “Well, if you want me to do it for you, then I would have to do it in full-serve and charge you the $3.”

Customer: “I didn’t pay no service charge last time!”

Me: “Because you did it in self-serve.”

Customer: “Ya! I want to do it there again!”

Me: “Okay, I’m sorry. I thought you said that you wanted me to do it for you?”

Customer: “Yes! Do it for me in self-serve!”

Me: “Well, I can’t do it for you in self-serve. I can certainly show you how it works, but I can’t go out and just do it for you.”

Customer: “Why not?!”

Me: “Because it’s self-serve. I can definitely help, or answer questions, but if you don’t want to do it at all, I have to do it in full-serve.”

Customer: “But I want you to do it in self-serve!”

(I am a waitress. One of my customers has just finished eating and is using a debit card to pay for his meal. The machine automatically includes a step giving the option to include a tip.)

Customer: “I don’t understand technology. This machine isn’t working. It won’t let me leave a tip!”

(The machine clearly gives three options: Leave a tip in a dollar amount, a percentage amount, or skip the tip.)

Me: “Well, sir, you have three choices: a dollar amount, a percentage amount, or no tip. To choose one, press the button directly underneath it on the screen, and the machine will take you to the next step.”

Customer: “Oh, okay!”

(He proceeds to type in a dollar amount, but the machine does nothing since he has not chosen the dollar option.)

Customer: “It still doesn’t work! They made this machine far too difficult to use!”

Me: “Okay, well, I’ll just explain your options to you again…”

(This time, I physically point to each of the three buttons as I explain the difference between the three options.)

Customer: “Oh, okay!”

(He again proceeds to type a dollar amount without choosing an option.)

Customer: “The machine doesn’t work!”

Me: “Okay, sir, if you want to add a tip as a dollar amount, press the first button there labelled ‘$’. The machine will take you to the next step, and then you can enter the amount you wish to leave.”

Customer: “Oh, okay!”

(He still doesn’t get it. I end up explaining about seven more times until he finally pushes the button to proceed to the next step.)

Customer: “Oh… well, that was easy! I don’t know why it took so long for me to understand that. Thank you for being so patient. I’m going to leave you $1 for every time you had to explain it to me!”

(He ended up leaving me a $10 tip. His meal had only amounted to $25. Definitely one of the best customers I’ve had!)