Me: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”
Customer: “Oh, yes. Absolutely.”
(I realize the customer is buying three things. A pack of water pistols, lighter fluid, and matches.)
Me: “Um… This is an interesting purchase.”
Customer: “Yeah, there’s a wasp infestation in my garage. Figured this is easier than an exterminator.”
(Earlier today I tried the Goldfish brand s’more cookies. It is now evening, and I’m telling my mom about it on the phone.)
Me: “So the Goldfish s’mores are pretty good, but the [Other Brand] ones suck. Don’t get them.”
Mom: “Gold… Oh, Goldfish! Like the crackers!”
Me: “Yes?”
Mom: “See, I just heard ‘goldfish s’mores,’ and I was wondering where between the wafer and the marshmallow you were supposed to stick the dead fish.”
This story is part of our S’Mores Day roundup!
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Read the S’mores Day Roundup!
(I am 27 weeks pregnant and starting to have contractions. I am on the bus on my way to the hospital. The driver is aware of this. I pull the buzzer to get off the bus and start walking to the door.)
Driver: *to me* “You sit back down!” *to the rest of the bus* “Is anyone going to need any of the next four stops? Because if so, I suggest you get off now, as we are detouring!”
(The driver then takes us directly to the hospital. He stops the bus, gets out of his seat, walks me down the steps, and into the hospital! The next day I am still in the hospital. I call up the transit office.)
Me: “Hi, yes. I was on bus [number] yesterday evening and the driver detoured from his route for me. I just wanted to make sure he is not in trouble. Because of him, they were able to save the life of my unborn son!”
Transit Employee: “No worries, miss. We only got one complaint from a passenger. The driver called us as soon as he got back with everyone on the bus. He has been given a commendation for his actions yesterday. Thank you for calling, and take care!”
This story is part of the second Pregnancy roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!
10 Funny Stories About The Joys (And Pains) Of Being Pregnant!
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Read the second Pregnancy roundup!
(I’m in Montréal visiting my grandparents. I don’t know enough Quebecois to have a full coherent conversation. Since most employees can speak both Quebecois and English, I usually start the conversations in English to avoid any complications. I walk into a clothing shop and one of the employees approaches me, speaking very quickly in Quebecois.)
Me: “I’m sorry; I’m only fluent in English. Were you telling me about the sales?”
Employee: *to cashier* “UGH, mon dieu! Crisse de cave. Petite cave…”
(This roughly translates into ‘Oh, my god, what a little idiot.’)
Me: “But I do know enough to ask for your manager. Or should I say, ‘Je ne suis pas un peu idiot! Où est votre gestionnaire?'”
(The employee turned beet red and retrieved a manager, who apologized profusely for her language. He offered me one free accessory from the sale rack, and said he will remind his staff to assume that primarily English tourists might know some basic French!)
Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. [My Name] speaking. How can I help you?”
Caller: “Well, [MY NAME], why the f*** isn’t my TV working?”
Me: “I have no idea. Let’s get a look at you account and see. Account number or phone number, please?”
Caller: *gives info* “Took long enough to get through. I waited here for over an hour!”
Me: “Thanks for the account info. Sorry about the long waits; we had some challenges earlier with certain equipment. Can you tell me what is happening on the screen of your TV when your PVR is on?”
Caller: “Wait, are you qualified for this?”
Me: “Yes, I am absolutely trained and ready to help out with your issue. It is actually a pretty easy fix, likely.”
Caller: “Are you sure you don’t need to transfer me to Tech?”
Me: “No, I am Tech.”
Caller: “A chick tech? Well, okay, but I hate wasting my time with people like you. It’s frozen… some grey and blue boxes.”
Me: “Thanks for the info. It is an easy fix like I suspected. Can you please disconnect the power cord from the PVR for about 15 seconds, and then plug it back in?”
Caller: “I’ve already done that a couple times, you know, because I’m not an idiot!”
Me: “Oh, okay. Well, let’s try it again. Let me know when it is unplugged and I’ll check some things on my end while it is unplugged.”
Caller: “Seriously?” *sighs* “Okay. It’s unplugged.”
(I check his connection, and notice he’s still online.)
Me: “Oh, that’s weird. It seems like it is still online on my end. Are all of the lights off of the front of the box?”
Caller: “No.”
Me: “Oh, then it seems like you probably accidentally pulled the HDMI cord, not the power. Pull the power at the very right hand edge.”
(At this, I see the box go off.)
Me: “Awesome, thanks! Plug it back in now and let me know when the time shows.”
Caller: “Okay, the time is showing.”
Me: “Great! Let’s power it back on and see if everything is working. It all looks good on my end.”
Caller: “Yeah, it seems to be working.”
Me: “Awesome! Anything else I can help with tonight?”
Caller: “God, I f***ing hate when you you people say that! There are lots of things in my life I need help with, you stupid b****!”
Me: “Are any of those things issues with your cable or Internet service?”
Caller: “No.”
Me: “Then I guess I’ve done my job! Thanks!” *click*
