(I work in customer service in a furniture store. While most of our items on display are the size of the actual product, our display beds are scaled down so they don’t take up too much space and have the actual size printed very clearly on the signs and on the boxes they come in. A woman walks up to the counter and wants to return a bunk bed.)

Woman: I would like to return this.

Me: Okay, and what is the reason you are returning it?

Woman: It’s not the right size.

Me: Um..I’ve never had this happen before. Do you mind if I check? It might take a while.

Woman: No, that’s fine.

(I put the bunk bed together and measure it. It is the correct size.)

Me: I’m certain it’s the correct size. They’re children’s bunk beds, were you looking for something larger?

Woman: No I wanted one like that (she points to the waist high, 2.5′ long display model with wooden barriers on both bunks). I have just adopted newborn twins and I thought that bunk crib looked cute but when I put it together at home it was huge.

Me: That’s not a crib. It is a children’s bunk bed set and it’s best for children who are 2-6 years old.

Woman: Can I buy the one you have over there?

Me: (concerned) No, That’s a display model and it’s not meant to be slept in.

Woman: Can I speak to your manager.

Me: Sure, but he will tell you the same thing.

(She asked the manager to sell her the display model without specifying what she was going to use it for and, surprisingly, he sold it to her. She came back the next day to return the display model and complained that her crib mattresses didn’t fit.)

I ordered some Chinese food from my favorite restaurant to be delivered; it was an all-you-can-eat buffet.

I’d never had any problems with the food before but this time, it looked like it had been sitting in a refrigerator for weeks. The spare ribs sauce had crystallized in the bottom of the plastic container, there was brown goo inside the vegetables, and there were small specs of mold on the egg rolls, among other things. I called the Health Department right away and they came later that day and picked up the food to analyse it. They did not give me the results when they called the next day but told me that they were about to make a surprise inspection in the restaurant. They closed the place down for two weeks. 

When the restaurant reopened, I went back a couple of times to eat there but felt sort of guilty that they had to close for two weeks because of me; I know it’s stupid! A few months later, I learned that the Health Department closed the place down for good following another surprise inspection. I stopped feeling guilty after that because I understood that even without my complaint, the restaurant was bound to close anyway; it just happened sooner than later.

(It’s been extremely hot lately and our ice machine is broken. Obviously, whenever someone orders cold drinks, we tell them that it’s impossible as politely as possible. A lady walks up to my counter with someone already on her trail waiting patiently in line.) 

Me: “Bonjour, Hi! How can I help you?”

Customer: “Uh… Hi.” *staring at the menu* “I’ll get… a Frappe… with the…”

Me: *to avoid going any further* “Um, excuse me? Unfortunately, I can’t make smoothies right now since my ice machine is broken. Actually, I can’t make anything cold, sorry.”

Customer: “Oh! Well, then I guess I’ll get an iced coffee.” 

Me: “Er… well, I can’t. My ice machine is broken, unfortunately.”

Customer: “Oh! Right! Well, I guess I’ll have to have an iced latte!”

(I feel like asking the woman if she is completely daft.)

Me: “Ma’am… please listen to me. We cannot make anything cold. No cold drinks, smoothies, or otherwise.” 

Customer: “Ew! Never mind, then!” 

(The girl leaves, and the person behind her, who’s been staring at our exchange the whole time, looks straight into my eyes.) 

Customer #2: “Um… Can I get an iced cappuccino?”

(I receive a phone call from someone claiming an arrest warrant under my name is in effect. I’ve heard often about this scam, but it’s the first time I’ve actually gotten the call. So, I decide to have fun.)

Caller: “We are calling to inform you that an arrest warrant will be issued against you…”

Me: “Yeah, I know!”

Caller: “You knew?”

Me: “Of course! The trial already started two days ago. I am escorted by the police every morning to get there! Why are you telling me this today?”

Caller: “The trial?”

Me: “Yeah, with the judge and my lawyer and the jury. Why are you calling?”

Caller: *now hesitating* “Well, there is another warrant for…”

Me: *cutting him* “The police already told me that other charges will be added, and I already told them about what I did to that man in the hotel room.”

Caller: “…”

Me: “…”

Caller: *hangs up*

(I just hope they will call again. It was so fun!)

I’m a cashier at a grocery store downtown. We used to be an independent store but now we’re owned by a bigger, national company, however we still use the same name. This conversation happened with a customer.

Customer: You know there’s a store in Ontario that’s exactly like this one but its called [name of national company].
Me: Yep we’re actually part of [national company].
Customer: No you’re independently owned.
Me: (still friendly) We used to be independently owned but recently we were bought out by [national company].
Customer: (smugly) No you’re independently owned.
Me: (getting a little frustrated) Sir we’re definitely owned by [national company]…
Customer: … no. No. (Walks away)