The Position You Are Looking For Does Not Exist

, , , , , , , | Working | September 28, 2020

I work for a shop which is about to go under and close. All other locations are gone; we only keep the better selling spot for one last year to try and get all the inventory sold before we are over for good. Obviously, I’m not allowed to tell anyone about our situation.

Unfortunately, one of the “great” ideas higher-up management has to show us as still active and going is to advertise jobs open in the shop. I can’t take the sign down.

That leads to this happening a few times a week.

A job seeker comes in, CV in hand.

Job Seeker: “Hi, may I speak to the manager, please?”

The manager doesn’t even want to be disturbed about that at this point, and any employee is allowed to pretend to be the manager in such a case.

Me: “Yes, it’s me.”

Job Seeker: “Yes, I’m here to apply for [position].” 

Me: “Okay, I see. Actually, I’m not looking to hire anyone. If you insist on leaving your resume here, I’m turning around and putting it in the recycling.” *Points to the bin* “Seriously, don’t waste it.”

This is when they all give me the same look, thinking, “This a test! I’m going to prove my determination!”, and get into a self-selling speech. 

Me: “Yeah, that’s good but I’m not pretending. I’m not hiring and your resume really is going in recycling. This is not a test, filter technique, or any kind of trick. We are not hiring.” 

Job Seeker: “Here’s my availability and contact information.”

They push their resume to me on the counter, since I make no move to take it.

Job Seeker: “Thank you and I hope to hear from you soon!”

They walk away with confidence and no look back.

And… that’s when I grab the paper, turn around, and drop it in the recycling. 

I try. I try as hard as I can but they all leave their resumes with us.

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He Probably Thinks Women Don’t Fart, Too

, , , , , , | Romantic | September 28, 2020

I’ve been seeing this guy for about a few weeks when he comes over to my place. We’re sitting on the couch watching a movie, when…

Guy: “Hey, you smell different today. Are you wearing perfume?”

Me: “No, I got a new shower gel.”

Guy: “Why would that make you smell different?”

Me: *Confused pause* “Because it’s a different scent than the last one?”

Guy: “But the shower gel shouldn’t change the way you smell.”

Me: “Um. When you wash with soap, you smell like that soap. You smell like your shower gel, don’t you?”

Guy: “But you’re a girl! You’re supposed to just smell good naturally.”

Me: “Uh… women do sweat, you know. Why do you think we take showers?”

Guy: “It’s to wash off the sweat and stuff. Then, the natural smell comes through, and some girls just smell better than others, just like some girls are prettier than others.”

Me: “Hold up. You really thought the smell of citrus just… came out of my pores? Dude, I’m not a grapefruit.”

Guy: “So you’ve been tricking me this whole time?!”

Me: “What?”

Guy: “You’re just like those girls who wear perfume and makeup! We’re done. I don’t want to see you anymore.”

Me: “Fine by me, but I can absolutely guarantee you that any other woman you date is also going to smell like whatever she washes with. You’re not going to find a lady who ‘naturally’ smells like fruit and flowers.”

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It Wasn’t The Wife That Made Him Look Stupid

, , , , , | Right | September 10, 2020

At my restaurant, many of our orders are takeout orders placed by phone. Since we’re one of many in the area, a common mistake customers can make is confusing locations and placing their order at another location instead of ours. If that happens, we’re usually able to identify the misunderstanding and send them on their merry way to the sister location that actually has their order waiting for them.

We’re in the middle of a dinner rush when a regular known to be grumpy and rude comes in.

Regular: “Order under [Name #1].”

Our cashier checks but finds no order under that name. She proceeds onto the standard troubleshooting:

Cashier: “Is there another name it could be under? Do you know what’s on the order?”

Regular: *Already agitated* “I don’t know! My wife called it in. Try [Name #2].”

No dice, which at this point most likely means they have mistakenly placed their order at another location.

Cashier: “Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be an order under those names. Do you know which phone number your wife called? It might’ve been [Location #1] or—”

Regular: “No, I know she called here! I’m sure of it! We only come here! Are you telling me that you don’t have our order? That’s just ridiculous!”

He starts berating the cashier for our supposed incompetency, necessitating an intervention. Finally, we convince him to phone his wife for confirmation, which he does while still angrily muttering about us losing his order.

Regular: *On the phone* “I’m here at [Restaurant] and these girls are telling me they don’t have our order!” *Pause* “What?” *Pause* “You didn’t order here? And you have it already?” *Pause* “Well, why didn’t you tell me earlier?! Now you’ve made me look stupid!”

He hung up and left without so much of an apology, of course.

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Unfiltered Story #206278

, , , | Unfiltered | August 29, 2020

( I work at a pizza store, and am taking an order over the phone)
Me: Hi, -store name-, how can I help you?
Customer: Yeah do you have that special for 11.99$?
(Note, we have many specials, a lot of them at the same price)
Me: Uhm, yeah, I have a large pizza with 4 toppings for 11.99$ if you like?
Customer: Yeah I’ll take that. I’ll have all dressed. Is that 4 toppings?
Me: That is 3 toppings, so you may add one more and is this for delivery or take-out?
Customer: -ignores my question- Okay so what else can I add?
Me: -slightly frustrated- Well typically with an all dressed people will add bacon, or extra cheese, but it’s really up to your personal preference.
Customer: Steak?
Me: Yes sir. And again, is this for delivery or take-out?
Customer: How much is it?
Me: Well sir, I need to know if it’s for delivery or take-out.
Customer: Oh delivery.
Me: Perfect, so is the address still ***?
Customer: No actually it’s -lists off weird address and back story of why it’s not the same-
Me: Okay great. So the total is 16.66$, and how will you be paying?
Customer: I thought it was 11.99$??
Me: Yes sir, it is 11.99$ plus tax and delivery.
Customer: How much is delivery?
Me: 2.50$
Customer: And how much is the pizza?
Me: 11.99$
Customer: So why is it so expensive? Don’t you have anything cheaper?
***NOTE, at the beginning of this call, the customer REQUESTED a special at 11.99$***
Me: -Extremely aggitated- Well sir, this is the best deal for one pizza. If you changed to a medium it would be 13.99$ as there is no coupon, and a medium with just cheese and peperoni would be the same price, so I suggest keeping your current special.
Customer: I think I’m going to have to call you back. -Hangs up-
Me: -Completely pissed off, to a co-worker- I hate these cheap ***SES!
*5 mins later, same customer calls and my co-worker answers*
The guy took a special for 11.49$ for a medium 4 topping pizza (with a special code that I would need to enter manually to offer the deal), so basically, he paid 0.50$ less for a smaller pizza, and this time didn’t spend 10minutes complaining about spending 16$!! Some peopl are just so cheap!

Unfiltered Story #200622

, , , | Unfiltered | July 12, 2020

I was working night shift at the gas station, one of our pumps had broken, and we had put a sign on the pump saying “Broken, please do not use”, black and yellow tape clearly showing “DANGER” all around that pump, going through the nozzle, keeping it tied to the pump, and placed cones in front of the whole thing. It was as clear as we could have made it that this pump was not to be used. The 3 other pumps were fine and available.

A car pulls in and, of course, parks right behind the cones near that pump. We were in a bad neighbourhood and I never stepped away from my closed-off area behind the counter for safety reasons, so I used the intercom to tell the man that the pump is broken, and ask him to use a different pump. The man moves the cones away, brings his car up to the pump and gets out. He ignores me while I continue asking him to use a different pump, and struggles with the danger tape, eventually removing it all and getting the nozzle out. He tries using the unresponsive pump and starts screaming and waving his arms, staring at me through the window. I can hear him cursing me and ordering me to start the pump through the intercom and I tell him once again that the pump is broken and that I can’t make it work.

The man then slams the nozzle back in the pump, punches the pump until his fist breaks a hole in it, and attempts to enter the store that I kept locked, screaming, kicking and punching the door for a full minute before going back to his car and driving away.