(It is our annual Christmas luncheon. I work for a decently large retail and pharmacy company at the warehouse that supplies all our store locations. Our executive vice-president and chief operating officer is in attendance, giving a speech thanking all our temporary workers. He says if they have any comments to please not hesitate. A temp worker then raises his hand, so our COO lets him speak.)

Temp: “Yeah, since you’re here, I have a complaint to make. The toilet paper in the warehouse is pretty rough. I’ve been next door, and theirs seems softer, so I was wondering if we could get better toilet paper here, because I have to go like three times a day and my a** is getting pretty sore.”

(Our COO, fortunately, handles it pretty tactfully.)

Chief Operating Officer: “Well, I’m sorry to hear your bottom has been hurt, but I assure you that at head office we use the same toilet paper, so we’re all in it together.”

(My daughter works for a dinner theatre. Her manager is pretty useless. One night, my daughter has to phone her at home.)

Manager: “Hello?”

Daughter: “Boss, the power just went out in the entire building. There are no lights, and we can’t cook any of the food for the guests’ meals. The show is supposed to start soon. What do I do?”

Manager: *sounding bored* “Just do your best.” *click*

Daughter: “Wow. Not helpful.”

(Luckily, the power came back on shortly afterward. My daughter started looking for a new job after that.)

(I am working at a fast food restaurant one busy night. I get this call.)

Me: “This is [Store]. Bonjour, hello!”

Customer: “Hi, is this the store at [Location]?”

Me: “Yes, that would be us. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I just wanted to know if you changed your recipe.”

Me: “Um, no, not that I’m aware of.”

Customer: “Well, then what the f*** is wrong with my food? It tastes like gasoline!”

Me: “Gasoline? That can’t be right. Maybe the deep fryer oil has burnt; I will go check that right away.”

Customer: “Yeah, it tastes burnt! You guys have to clean your oil and make sure you don’t burn anything!”

Me: “Okay, thank you for bringing this to our attention. I’m very sorry this has ruined your meal; could I offer you a credit for the next visit?”

Customer: “Yeah, well, whatever. I know you won’t f****** do anything for me, anyway.”

(Confused, maybe she didn’t hear me.)

Me: “Well ma’am, I could take down your information and log you for a credit for your next visit.”

Customer: “Yeah, yeah, I know you won’t do anything. I just want to make sure other families don’t have such a disgusting, disappointing meal as mine did!”

Me: “Again. I am very sorry that this happened, and I thank you again for letting me—”

Customer: “Yeah, whatever. You don’t do anything for me.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, as I said before, I could take down your information and write you a credit.”

(At this point, this back-and-forth has gone on for a good five minutes. I have the credit book open and ready, date and time checked in already, and a line up front with angry customers waiting for their food. We are always understaffed, so I really can’t be on the phone.)

Customer: “You won’t do anything for me! *hangs up*

Me: “I offered her free food, like, ten times.”

(Our store currently has a not-as-well-known brand of lunch meat on sale. I am helping a customer at the office when another customer comes up and interrupts, holding two cans of the lunch meat.)

Customer: “This can—” *points at the “light” can* “—says it has eight grams of protein. This can—” *points at the regular can* “—has only seven grams of protein. Why is this one labelled as the light one?”

Me: “Can I see the light can, sir?”

Customer: *hands me the can*

Me: “Oh, this one is 25% less fat. It’s not lighter in protein.”

Customer: “Oh, not light in protein.”

Me: “Nope, just lighter in fat.”

Customer: “Oh.” *to the customer I was helping* “Why would I want it with less fat?”

(I work in tech support. My company has hired several temporary workers to help out with some data-entry stuff.)

Temp: “Hey, can you help me?”

Me: “Sure. What do you need?”

Temp: “I was working on a spreadsheet, and I saved it, but now I can’t find it.”

Me: “That shouldn’t be a problem. What was it called?”

Temp: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Okay. When did you save it?”

Temp: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Did you save it yesterday?”

Temp: “Maybe. I can’t remember.”

Me: “Tell you what; I’ll search your entire hard drive for every file ending in ‘.xls’ or ‘.xlsx.’”

Temp: “What for?”

Me: “You said it was a spreadsheet; I’m assuming you used Microsoft Excel to create it.”

Temp: “What’s Excel?”

Me: “Okay, never mind. I’ll search your hard drive for every file that was saved over the last few days.” *does so* “Here’s one called ‘Important Work.xls.’ Would that be it?”

Temp: “No.”

Me: “Okay, how about this one. ‘Important Stuff.xls’?”

Temp: “Open it and I’ll see… No, that’s not it.”

(Thirty minutes later:)

Me: *frustrated* “I’m really sorry, but I can’t seem to find your file. You’ve told me that all the ones we’ve found aren’t correct.”

Temp: “Well, that’s just great! I thought you were going to HELP ME!” *stalks off*