Popcon

, , , , , | Right | October 17, 2010

(A customer walks up holding a large red bag of popcorn to be refilled.)

Customer: “Hi, could I please get a refill?”

Me: “Did you buy this popcorn today?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Oh, that’s weird, because we stopped selling these popcorn bags a month ago. We have black bags now.”

Customer: “Oh…”

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They Must Have Learned From Vader’s Wheezing Problem

, , , , , | Right | October 13, 2010

(An angry-looking young couple storms into the convenience store.)

Man: “You sell cigarettes?”

Me: “Yes.”

Man: “You smoking b****es!”

Me: “I don’t smoke. I’m not the one that picks out the–”

Woan: “That is f****** illegal!”

Me: “No, actually, it’s not.”

(The woman pulls something out of her purse and writes a message on it. She slams it on the counter and she and her husband storm off. I look at it later and it is a picture of a Death Star. The message reads ‘This is coming to get you!’.)

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One More Of These And I’ll Squit

, , , , | Right | October 3, 2010

Customer: “I’ll have the chicken salad.”

Me: “All right.”

Customer: “Is there MSG in it?”

Me: “There might be some in the dressing. I can check for you. Are you allergic?

Customer: “No, it just gives me diarrhea.”

Me: “Uh… okay?”

Customer’s Friend: “That’s too much information!”

Customer: “No, she needs to know. You need to know, right?”

(Pause.)

Me: *nervous laughter* “Oh, absolutely.”

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His Groceries Have Just Been Terminated

, , , , | Right | September 29, 2010

(I am ringing up a customer at my register; she has just told me she forgot her rewards card at home.)

Me: “Do you have a reward card? Oh, shoot. Sorry! It’s just a habit to ask for it.”

Customer: “Haha, don’t worry about it. I understand.”

(There is an elderly man in line behind her.)

Elderly Man: “They’ve programmed you!”

Me: “Haha, yeah, I guess they have.”

Elderly Man: *shouting alarmingly* “They’ve programmed you! You’re some sort of robot, aren’t you?”

Me: *jokingly* “Yep, I’m a robot!”

Elderly Man: *totally serious* “I knew it! You filthy robot! You’re going to kill me, aren’t you? This is some kind of government conspiracy! They sent you here to kill me! Well, I won’t let you!”

(He ran out of the store.)

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Will Power On Aisle 2

, , | Right | September 28, 2010

Teenage Girl: “Do you guys sell that contraceptive ‘abstinence’?”

Me: “Abstinence?”

Teenage Girl: “Yeah! Abstinence! I read that it’s the only 100% way to not get pregnant!”

Me: “That’s right. But, abstinence is to not have sex, like, abstain from.”

Teenage Girl: “Well, that just sucks!”

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