They Lost The Stair-ing Match

, , , | Right | September 7, 2017

(I work at a reception desk on the second floor of a civic centre, and exchanges similar to this one are all too common. A couple walk off the elevator and up to my desk.)

Woman: “Hi, where do we go for marriage licences?”

Me: “That’s up on the third floor, at the City Clerk’s desk.”

Man: “We know it’s on the third floor, where are we now?”

Me: “Well, what button did you press on the elevator?”

Man: “Two…?”

Me: “So… just up one more from here.”

Woman: “How do we get to the third floor?”

(As well as being directly across from the elevator they just left, which goes up to the fifth floor, my desk is actually situated under a large staircase leading to the third. Good luck to whoever had to walk these people through filling out forms.)

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About To Start A Flame War

, , , , | Working | September 7, 2017

(I’m chatting with a coworker about the recent return of the television show, “Agents of SHIELD,” and the newest version of the superhero Ghost Rider. The office car enthusiast hears our discussion, and joins the conversation, mildly offended.)

Car Enthusiast: “Did I hear you say that motorcycles are cooler than muscle cars?”

Me: “No. I said a FLAMING motorcycle being driven by a DEMON with a flaming skull for a head is cooler than a FLAMING muscle car being driven by a DEMON with a flaming skull for a head.”

Car Enthusiast: “Oh.” *backs away slowly*

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What The Beep Are You Eating?!

, , , , , | Friendly | September 7, 2017

(I am six, and live in an area where most people live on remote plots of land, some of which are small farms. A couple people I know have goats for milk. One of my friends has two goats on their property, one of which is very aggressive and once knocked the wind out of me while I was helping milk it. One day I’m at their house, and their mom serves me soup. It tastes pretty good, and I’m enjoying it quite a bit, when I look over and see one of my friends pouting with her arms crossed.)

Me: “Why aren’t you eating any?”

Friend: “It’s beef soup.”

Me: “So? Beef is good.”

Friend: “No, not ‘beef,’ Beep! BEEP!”

(Beep was the name of her pet goat, the one that knocked the wind out of me. I looked down at my bowl, thought, “Well, I never liked her anyway,” shrugged, and kept eating. She was delicious.)

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Unfiltered Story #93325

, , , | Unfiltered | September 7, 2017

I had just bought an SUV that had a brand of car command start that only has a few select stores that will deal with it in my city and no remote came with it. I went to a popular electronics stores I have bought the very laptop I’m typing this up on because I had excellent service then. I ask for the technician to look at my car and see if they have that remote in stock, which they don’t, so I order it in. The guy at the front desk tells me it will be in in 2-4 weeks. 4 weeks go by and I hear nothing. I figure something might have happened during shipping or something and I’m not in a super hurry to get this remote and I’m not really one for confrontation of any kind, so I don’t contact them. I also get really busy, no time between it being my work’s busy season and other commitments so another 6 weeks goes by, still nothing from them. I know they have my correct phone number. It’s getting close to winter time, which is really what I want it for so I can pre-start my car on those -30 degrees Celsius mornings. I stop by their shop after work. I tell the woman at the front my story and she checks their stock area and tells me that they do, in fact have it. Now I’m supposed to go to the back desk and schedule a time to bring my car in to program the remote. For some reason, even though he is the manager of that particular area, he doesn’t know what his guys’ schedules are, so I have to call back in 2 days time to properly schedule a time. I make the call and it’s scheduled to a time where I have only 5 minutes to spare after the drive between work and this place. So, no time to get any food, rest, etc. after my standing, manual labour job. Normally, this shouldn’t be an issue in a situation where you have a time booked for something that shouldn’t take too long because the guys doing it are professionals. I hand my car keys over to the guy at the back desk. He tells me I can sit at their kind of uncomfortable reclining chair set up near their desk to wait and “it shouldn’t take too long.” I sit down and start playing games on my phone. Half an hour goes by. I start to get hungry. There is nowhere within a 5 minute walk to get food to go, my wallet is in the car and besides, they’ll be done in a couple of minutes, right? An hour goes by. I have a splitting headache from sitting in an uncomfortable chair for so long and not being able to drink anything, my phone battery is close to dying and I haven’t seen anybody else go to the back desk and hand over keys, so why is my car taking so damn long? I also haven’t seen hide nor hair of the guy who took my keys. Then, after almost an hour and a half after handing my keys over, almost 3 months after purchase, I finally have a remote to command start my car! I bugged out of there so fast and was halfway home, after picking up food, before I realized he didn’t even tell me how to actually command start my car (It isn’t an obvious thing, I have to press and hold the panic button, release, then press and hold again. I figured it out after experimentation because no real manual came with it, either.) I cried the rest of the ride home from the stress of the work day, my headache and the hunger. The real kicker, I looked up how to program that remote myself and it would not have taken me anywhere near that long.

IP Address:

And I Am Imbecile Intolerant

, , , , | Right | September 7, 2017

Customer: “Hi. I want some sandwich meat, but I’m on a diet, so I can’t have anything with too much salt.”

Me: “Well, our beef has no added salt, so that should work for you.”

Customer: “Oh, no, I’m lactose intolerant. Unless your beef only comes from boy cows?”

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