Oh, Call Him At Home, Where The Phone Charges Roam

, , , , | Right | December 28, 2010

(A customer calls in to report his cellphone as stolen three weeks earlier while he was on vacation in Vietnam. He had just received a bill for a few thousand dollars for international usage. I asked if I could put him on hold while I checked into his problem. I used the time to confirm the billed calls from Vietnam were to numbers from previous bills; numbers he called all the time. I looked up his to see where the phone was currently registering and was unsurprised to find it registered to a US cell tower. I decided to call it.)

Me: “Hello, sir, this is [My Name] from [Service Provider]. We were just having a conversation about this phone being lost on your other line. You do realize that what you are attempting to do is fraud? Given the amount of money involved it would be considered a felony.”

Customer Cell Phone: *click*

Landline: *click*

(I dialed into his voicemail and left a very detailed message about prompt payment and made copious notes on the account. The account was paid in full and on time.)

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Common Sense On The Decline(d)

, , , , | Right | December 27, 2010

Caller: “My credit card was declined and I want to know why! I’ve never been so embarrassed! I will be canceling my credit card with your f****** bank as soon as I make this last transaction!”

(After properly identifying the customer, being yelled at for having to ask security questions, and looking through the account, I find the answer.)

Me: “The purchase did not go through today because you requested a hold on your account last week when you left your credit card at a shopping mall.”

Caller: “Are you suggesting I’m stupid? I know I asked for a hold, but wouldn’t you incompetent people realize I must have my credit card if I am attempting a purchase?”

(I remain silent as the customer realizes what they have just said.)

Caller: “Oh!”

Me: “Is there anything else I can do to help you today?”

Caller: *click*

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Honesty Among Thieves

, , , , | Right | December 27, 2010

(A couple walks in and sets off the alarm. It is store policy to ask if they have just bought anything and suggest they go back to have it desensitized.)

Me: “Hi. Did you happen to just buy something that might have set off the alarm?”

Customer: “No, we just stole a boatload of stuff next door and are coming in here now.”

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Driving On The Blind Side Of Caution, Part 2

, , , , | Right | December 20, 2010

(An elderly woman is picking up some photos. She is wearing extremely thick glasses but still can’t seem to see very well. She’s squinting at the pricing sign on the wall.)

Customer: “What’s that big sign say?”

Me: “It’s a list of our prices for different sized photos.”

(I read out the prices.)

Me: “Here are your pictures. It comes to [price].”

Customer: “Oh, thank you.”

(She pulls out her wallet and holds it inches away from her eyes as she tries to find the right money.)

Customer: “Is this bill a five or a ten?”

Me: “That’s a five.”

Customer: “Okay.”

(She puts the bill on the counter and then pours some coins into her hand. After a few seconds of trying to see the coins, she holds her hand out to me.)

Customer: “Would you mind counting the change out for me? The coins are so small!”

Me: “No problem.” *counts change* “Have a good day.”

(She pulled a set of car keys out of her pocket and walked out the door, leaving me and one of my coworkers with our mouths open.)

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Cut Throat Business

, , , , | Right | December 18, 2010

(A customer brings in his computer for service. While discussing his options, I mistakenly refer to a service that is twice as expensive as what he actually needs. He chooses a lesser service, signs his computer in, and leaves. After realizing the mistake, I find him still in the store.)

Me: “Sir, I just wanted to let you know that I misquoted the service, and we can actually do what you originally wanted, for the same price as the lesser service. I’m very sorry for the mistake.”

Customer: “Ah, that’s great! I’m glad I didn’t listen to the voice in my head.”

Me: “I’m sorry? What do you mean?”

Customer: “The voice told me to rip your throat out when you told me the first price.”

Me: *nervous laughter* “Well, now you get the service you originally wanted, and I get to keep my throat.”

Customer: *narrows eyes* “For now, yes.”

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