I Sense Toil And Trouble

, , , , , | Right | February 19, 2011

(A customer hands me a ticket to a movie that we are not ready to let people into yet.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. The auditorium for [Movie] is just being cleaned right now.”

Customer #1: “Oh, okay. No problem.”

Customer #2: *comes running up to me* “What did you say about [Movie]? What’s wrong?”

Me: “Nothing is wrong. We’re just cleaning the seats and aisles before we let people in.”

Customer #2: “Oh, thank goodness! I thought you said it was being ‘cleansed.’ I don’t want a movie theater that believes in that new-age, spiritual, witchcraft stuff!”

Me: “Oh. Nothing like that happens here.”

Customer #2: “Good!”

(The movie she was waiting to see? ‘Season Of The Witch.’)

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IQ Phone Home

, , , | Right | February 17, 2011

Me: “Hello, you’ve reached [Phone Support]. What appears to be the problem?”

Caller: “Yes, I’m calling because I have been unable to make phone calls from my home phone.”

Me: “Ma’am, what phone are you calling from right now?”

Caller: “My home phone, why?” *pause* “Wait, you’ve fixed it! Thank you!” *hangs up*

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Discounted Intelligence

, , , | Right | February 14, 2011

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

Customer: “I’m fine, and you?”

Me: “Also fine; thanks for asking! Just to let you know everything in the store today is 40% off.”

Customer: “What does that mean?”

Me: “I… I don’t know how else to explain that to you.”

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Too Lazy To Lather

, , , | Right | February 10, 2011

Customer: “I need help finding a soap with vanilla in it.”

(I help her and show her a few products. She picks up a bar of soap.)

Customer: “How do you use this one?”

Me: “Oh, it’s just like a normal bar of soap.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “You know, like a normal soap bar? Um, like Dove or Irish Spring?”

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: “You take it into the shower with you, wet it, rub it all over, and rinse it off.”

Customer: “Oh. That sounds like too much work.” *puts soap down and walks away*

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Give Customers A Piece Of Your Mind

, , , | Right | February 8, 2011

(An irate customer is frustrated with my store’s return policy, and asks me to call my manager.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but she isn’t answering her cell phone or house number, but she’ll be in tomorrow if you want to try again then.”

Customer: “No! You get her on the phone now!”

Me: “I just called both of the numbers she provided, and she didn’t answer. That sort of leaves me with telepathy.”

Customer: “Well, could you try that?”

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