(I work for a well-known tax company. We are about to have a huge blizzard overnight into the next day. A state of emergency has been called and several businesses, including ours, are closed for the day. We’re about to leave for the night when the phone rings.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Office]. This is [My Name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Client: “Hey, my work gave us the day off tomorrow because of the storm. I’d like to come in and have my taxes done.”

Me: “…”

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(A young boy is misbehaving on the subway train. To try to calm him, his mother is reading him the list of stops.)

Mother: “So we have Haymarket, then we have State, then Downtown Crossing, then Chinatown—”

(At the mention of this last stop, the boy’s eyes go wide.)

Boy: *excitedly* “You mean this train goes all the way to CHINA?”

This story is part of our Subway roundup!

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(I am a student, and I babysit for money. On Mondays, I take the little boy I watch to the playground for a few hours and helicopter around him in case he hurts himself. A mother at the park approaches me.)

Mother: “You know, I just want to tell you: I see you here every Monday and I think it’s just great that you are such a hands-on young mother.”

Me: “Oh! I’m not his mother! I’m just his babysitter. But thank you anyway!”

Mother: “Sweetie, you don’t need to be embarrassed! You should embrace being a great mom, especially at such a young age. I can’t even imagine what it’s like for you as a single mom in your early 20s!”

Me: “Uhm, really, I am not his mother. I am just his babysitter. But I’m flattered you think I am doing a great job caring for him!”

(The mother walks away to the sandbox area, where other mothers are sitting just within earshot.)

Mother: “You ladies will not believe this! That girl over there is trying to claim that that baby is not hers! Some people! I wonder if her parents have brainwashed her into thinking it’s their baby. There are some really crazy people out there huh?”

Related:
Ah, Mothers, Part 7
Ah, Mothers, Part 6
Ah, Mothers, Part 5
Ah, Mothers, Part 4
Ah, Mothers, Part 3

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(It’s Christmas Eve, and my boyfriend and I are visiting my parents before he goes to work for the evening. All of the family’s presents are stacked under the tree, including a plush that I’ve been begging for. It’s in plain sight with a gold star — representing his medal — right on his chest.)

Me: *upon seeing the plush* “Oh, awesome.”

Boyfriend: “Aw, crap. Is that the plush you wanted?”

Me: “Yep! I’m betting that’s from my sister since we were kind of coordinating that.”

Boyfriend: “So… you like it a lot, right?”

Me: “Uh, yeah?”

Boyfriend: “Enough that you’d want two?”

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This story is part of our celebration of Not Always Right publishing over 100,000 stories!

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(I am waiting to check in to a small hotel. When I walk up to the front desk, the concierge is answering the phone. The speaker is loud enough that I can follow most of the conversation.)

Concierge: “Hello, front desk.”

Caller: “There’s a squirrel in my room!”

Concierge: “A squirrel in your room? Please be careful, sir. We’ll send someone along right away to remove it.”

Caller: “Better hurry, it’s a big one! It opened the window!”

Concierge: “Sorry, did you say the squirrel was able to open the window?”

Caller: “Yeah, with its little hands!”

Concierge: “You should leave your room right now and we’ll send someone along.”

Concierge: *over the radio* “Security to room [number] to remove a squirrel, please.”

(I check in. As I do so, the concierge is very flustered and apologetic about the squirrel issue.)

Security: *radio* “Uh, front desk, this ain’t a squirrel.”

Concierge: “What? What is it?”

Security: “A raccoon. And the window’s sealed shut.”

(My spouse works in animal control and I know we’re in an area that has a rabies problem, so I feel the need to speak up.)

Me: “There’s a rabies risk here, so you should really call animal control.”

Concierge: “Okay, I’m gonna—”

Security: “Also, this guy’s drunk as s***, and he’s telling me the raccoon is his pet cat.”

Concierge: “F*** it. I’m calling the cops.”

(Luckily, the raccoon was healthy, but the unfortunate hotel guest was deemed drunk, disorderly, and in possession of a local zoo’s stolen raccoon!)

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