CONTENT WARNING: Gross
I work in a pet store. A customer comes up and asks, with no warning:
Customer: “Do you sell condoms for dogs?”
I somehow manage to maintain a straight face.
Me: “…no.”
The customer grunts and wanders off. My manager, who overheard, comes over.
Manager: “I really wanted to ask him who would’ve been rolling ’em on if we did.”
On my first day ever taking calls, I get a call from an elderly lady.
Me: “I need to ask for some of your information to access your account.”
Caller: “I can’t tell you that! There’s a man in my attic, and he will steal my identity if he hears me tellin’ you!”
I have honestly no idea what to do, so I silently stand up and wave a manager over, who hooks into my phone and listens as I ask the caller again to give me her information.
Caller: “I can’t! The man in my attic! I can hear him creakin’ around up there right now!”
My manager gapes and shrugs at me, and I just try to be as professional as possible.
Me: “Ma’am, if there is an intruder in your house, I advise you to end this call and call 911 immediately.”
Caller: “Nah, he’s been up there for weeks, just creakin’ around in the attic. The police told me it’s a squirrel, but I heard him talkin’ the other day. I just need to get some money from my 401k.”
Me: “Okay, well, if you are sure, I can help you with your 401k, but I need some of your information to access it so you can get your money out.”
Caller: “Okay, fine, but I’m gonna whisper so the man can’t hear me.” *Mumbles* “He’s right over the kitchen right now; I can hear him up there…”
She then proceeded to whisper for the entire duration of the phone call.
I had a brief stint working as a barman in one of Glasgow’s trendier pubs, and as I didn’t drive at the time, I relied on buses to get to and from work. I met some interesting characters on the night buses after midnight, but this story is about the one time somebody tried to mug me, and I’m only telling it because it was utterly bizarre.
After one particularly long shift, followed by a drink with my colleagues, it was about 1:00 am, and I was mentally and physically exhausted. I was standing at my usual bus stop listening to music on my headphones. After a few minutes, somebody walked over, stood in front of me, and smirked at me from an uncomfortably close distance.
Me: “What is it?”
Would-Be-Mugger: “Phone, wallet, headphones. Now.”
Now, I don’t recommend what I did next but, as I said, it had been a long day and the guy didn’t have any obvious weapon.
Me: “F*** off.”
Would-Be-Mugger: “What?!”
Me: “You heard me. F*** off.”
I was ready for a fight at this point, so I had taken my headphones off, but I wasn’t expecting what happened next.
Would-Be-Mugger: “Oh, umm, hahaha! I nearly got you?! Aye, you’re right. I watched a show today about a guy who pretended to mug people just to see what reaction they would get, but you’re right. It’s late, it’s dark, and people are going to think I’m serious. Would you like some chewing gum, by the way?”
Me: “No, I don’t want any chewing gum. Get lost.”
He ran off down the street, never to be seen again. It was a bizarre end to a long shift.
Related:
When They Act Tough, You Call Their Bluff, Part 2
When They Act Tough, You Call Their Bluff
I’m new, working for a tech support line for an ISP in the earlier days of the Internet (around 2003, before common wireless capabilities). I get my very first call after finishing my training and mentoring period.
Caller: “My Internet won’t work!”
Me: “I am sorry to hear that, sir. Let’s go through some troubleshooting to see if we can identify the problem.”
Caller: “I charged my Internet all night, and now it won’t work when I unplug it from the modem.”
Hoo, boy…
Me: “Your modem does need to be plugged in to provide Internet, sir.”
Caller: “But it should be fully charged!”
Me: “It’s not a battery-operated device, sir. It needs to remain plugged in at all times.”
Caller: “Well, that’s stupid! Fine, I’ll just preload the Internet into my computer so I can unplug it from the modem, then.”
Me: “That’s not possible, either, sir. Your computer needs to be connected to the modem.”
Caller: “So, my computer needs to be connected to the modem, and my modem needs to be connected to the power?”
Me: “Yes, sir.”
Caller: “Humans have to plug themselves in to use the Internet! It’s the matrix! I don’t like it!”
Me: “I’m… sorry you feel that way, sir.”
Caller: “Does the government know about this?”
Me: “I think so, sir.”
Caller: “Well then, I’m gonna tell them anyway! This is gonna damage society, I tell ya!”
Me: “I understand, sir.”
Caller: “So… do you have the government’s email address?”
I took a break after my very first solo call.
Customer: “I need a radio capable of getting broadcasts from the Middle East.”
I show her a few. She purchases one and asks me to help her tune it. I find some stations from various Middle Eastern sources and tune them, and she stands there with this puzzled look on her face.
Me: “Is there anything wrong, ma’am?”
Customer: “How am I supposed to track terrorists if they don’t speak American?”
With minimal speaking, I refunded her money and went on the only smoke break I’ve ever taken.
Related:
They’re Terrorizing Themselves
