A Different Kind Of Crab Mentality

, , , , | Right | January 28, 2018

(I work in an office, booking spa days and treatments for a large UK chain.)

Request: “Does [Owner] do the massages? I’d like him to dress up as a crab. I have made an outfit out of heavy-duty rubber and plastic. [Owner] can wear this. There are eyeholes to see out of, and levers and pulleys inside the pincers so that they can be operated. The crab costume is painted professionally in the correct colors so that it will look like an actual crab, albeit a very big one. I will also need three hazelnuts placed on a south facing window-sill during my massage, and the Nicaraguan national anthem playing on a trumpet.”

(Needless to say, they did not get this request!)

The High Cost Of Housing

, , , , | Working | January 27, 2018

(I am looking for a new house and decide to enquire with a new set of houses being built locally.)

Me: “Hi, I was wondering if you could give me some information on your houses. I may be interested in buying.”

Worker: “I’m sorry. We aren’t accepting new residents at the moment.”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

Worker: *looking shifty* “I’m really sorry, sir.”

Me: “No, it’s all right—”

Worker: *leaning down* “I genuinely am sorry for the inconvenience—”

(A small siren sounds and she runs for a door behind her. I assume she pressed a panic alarm. I’m shocked enough that I stand there for a few seconds, looking around, wondering what’s happening. A security guard appears and walks up to me shaking his head. He walks by and leans over the desk. The siren stops and he turns to me.)

Guard: “Sorry about that. She’s my sister-in-law, and she’s high as a f****** kite. Probably best to try again next week.”

(He escorted me out and I agreed to come back later. When bumped into him again, the guard told me that he reported the worker and she was promptly dismissed. It pretty much ruined his relationship with his family, but he seemed quite happy about it. I ended up getting a house, and I move in next month.)

Sinking Your Teeth Into A Brief Encounter

, , , , | Friendly | January 27, 2018

(There is a neighborhood party going on in a park near a group of residences. A tired-looking man is crossing through before suddenly stopping near a kid and her parent.)

Man: “Here, have this.” *hands out a lollipop*

Kid: “Oh, thank—”

Mother: “Oh, you’ll have to brush your teeth after that!”

Man: “That’s okay. Here!” *hands out a small tube of toothpaste*

Kid: *speechless*

Man: “I work at a dentist’s office. Have a nice party, and remember: take care of your teeth!”

You’ll Pay For Asking Too Many Questions

, , , , | Right | January 26, 2018

Me: “Welcome to [Company].”

Customer: “Hi, I got my bill in the post, and I just want to change my details and pay it.”

(I get all customers new details.)

Me: “So, did you want to pay that over the phone?”

Customer: “Yes, thanks.”

Me: “Great! Visa or Mastercard?”

Customer: “Wait! How do I know you work for [Company] and you’re not just trying to steal my money?”

Me: “Uh, sir, you called [Company] and I brought up all your details on the [Company] system and changed them.”

Customer: “But how do I know?”

Me: “Uh, what number did you call?”

Customer: “[Company]’s, obviously.”

Me: “Yes, and I answered, because I work here.”

Customer: “Liar! You could have hacked my phone. I’m not giving you any details.”

Me: “That’s fine, sir. You’re more than welcome to come into a centre or pay online.”

Customer: “No, that’s too much trouble.”

Me: “Then I can take payment over the phone.”

Customer: “Yeah, okay. Sounds good.”

(We continued the payment fine.)

Not Getting It One Little Bit

, , , , | Right | January 26, 2018

(A woman accompanied by her husband or boyfriend is picking out ranch dressing and settles on some three-cheese ranch. I thought she mentioned wanting bacon ranch, so I show it to her.)

Customer: “Oh, no, we have some at home; I was just saying it’s good, but I like the three-cheese kind better.”

Me: “Oh, well, if you still want the bacon flavor in your salad with the three-cheese ranch, you could put some bacon bits on it, too.”

(The woman lights up as if the idea is genius.)

Customer: “Oh, that’s a great idea! Where would the bacon bits be?”

Me: “Just past the salad dressings, on the top, over there.” *I point*

(The woman tells me about how she is not a good cook because she’s never been married. She says that she knows you don’t have to be a cook to figure it out, but that she isn’t good at thinking of flavors to mix. I nod and smile and she goes over to deliberate on which bacon bits to get. I return to stocking and share a bemused look with a coworker who is stocking in the same aisle, just a few yards away. About five minutes later, the customer gets my attention.)

Customer: “Now, which ones of these taste better?”

Me: “Well, a lot of people buy [Brand] because they’re known for good meat. I’ve only ever had the [Store Brand] ones, because they were cheaper, but I can imagine that I wouldn’t be able to taste the difference, anyway, since they’re both just plain bacon. I’ve had [Brand Imitation Bacon Bits] before, too. My mom used to buy them, but they taste nasty. I would recommend that if you’re going to put bacon on something, just put real bacon.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Now, is this real bacon?” *she shows me both the [Store Brand] and [Brand] bacon bits she is holding, both of which clearly read, “Real Bacon Bits” on the pouches*

Me: “Yes. And they’re pretty good.”

Customer: “Okay. So if it say, ‘real,’ on the package, does that mean it’s real bacon?”

Me: *pauses a moment to register the question* “Yes. That is real bacon.”

Customer: “Okay. So if it says, ‘real,’ it’s real bacon?”

(I assure her that it is real bacon again, and that if they say it’s real bacon, brands aren’t really allowed to put anything but real bacon into the package. I assure her again and again as she rephrases the exact same question about three more times, as if she isn’t grasping the concept.)

Customer: “Okay, so… So, could you show me an example of something that would not be real bacon?”

(I am stunned for a moment, but I pick up a bottle off the shelf and point to the label as I read it off to her.)

Me: “Here. ‘Artificially-flavored bacon chips.’”

(By now my coworker was silently trying to keep his cool and not laugh in front of the customer. We had to wait 10 or 15 minutes until she was out of the aisle, at which point we cracked up to each other.)

Page 147/239First...145146147148149...Last