Ain’t No Mountain Wry Enough

, , , , | Right | August 9, 2010

Me: “…and a large Dew.”

Customer: “I’m sorry, did you just call me a Jew?”

Customer’s Wife: “But honey, you are a Jew.”

Me: “Oh, no, sorry. I meant a large Mountain Dew.”

Customer: “Oh, really? Really, I’m flattered but I’ve never been to the mountains.”

Me: “Ah, sorry?”

Customer: *comically bangs his fists against his chest* “I am the large mountain Jew!”

Customer’s Wife: * to me* “I am so sorry about him. Honestly, I can’t take him anywhere.”

Me: “Really, it’s fine.”

Customer: “The large mountain Jew goes anywhere he wants to!”

1 Thumbs
11,097
VOTES

When Fat Cells Out-number Brain Cells

, , | | Right | August 27, 2009

(A grocery store customer points to “fat free” on a gallon of ice cream.)

Customer: “Does that mean I don’t have to pay?”

Me: “No, sir, that means that there is no fat in the ice cream.”

Customer: “So just the fat is free?”

Me: “There is no fat, sir.”

Customer: “I don’t want it then.”

1 Thumbs
2,153
VOTES

As The Checkout Line Churns

, , , , | Right | July 6, 2009

(I’m ringing up a customer and notice her last name is the same as mine. I have a very uncommon last name, so I made the mistake of mentioning this…)

Me: “Your last name is [Name]? Mine, too. Wonder if we’re related?” *chuckle*

Customer: *very serious* “What is your name?”

Me: “Oh, I was joking; we’re not related; almost all of my family lives up in New England.”

Customer: *more serious* “What is your name?”

Me: “Uhhh… I’m no–”

Customer: “Do you have a brother named [Brother]?”

Me: “Yes, actually…”

Customer: “Is your mother [Mom]?”

Me: “Uh, yeah…”

Customer: “And your father’s name is [Estranged Father]?”

Me: “Well, he’s my biological father, yes.”

Customer: *sticks out hand* “Nice to meet you. I’m your step-mother!”

(The entire line of about a dozen people behind her gasps, like they are watching a soap opera.)

Me: “Oh, God… Please don’t tell my father I work here.”

Customer: “You know why your father left your mother, right?”

Me: “Uh… no?”

Customer: “Because she cheated on him with [My Stepfather]!”

(The line behind her gasps again.)

Me: “Oh, okay…”

Customer: “You know, your father is very heartbroken about you. You’ve grown up to be such a beautiful young woman. You should call him and talk to him just so he can see how you’re doing.”

Me: “Actually, we don’t–”

Customer: “You and I need to go out for coffee sometime. I have a lot of stories to tell you.”

Me: “Okay, well–”

Customer: “I promise, I’m not an evil stepmother. Well, I’ll see you later, sweetie!” *bounces out the front door*

Me: *speechless*

Next customer: “Sweetie, are you okay?”

Me: *still speechless*

Next customer: “Why don’t you take a break? We don’t mind waiting.”

Entire line: “No! Go take a break!”

Me: *to Boss* “Hey, I’m taking a break. I’ll be back in–”

Boss: “For God’s sake, go home! I’ll see you on Monday.”

1 Thumbs
18,912
VOTES

You’re Only As Old As You Act

, , , , | Right | February 17, 2009

(An elderly woman well into her 70s comes through the check-out line with a single bottle of wine. I start to scan the bottle through.)

Customer: “Wait! Aren’t you going to check my ID?”

Me: “Er, no, ma’am, I don’t think it’s really necessary.”

Customer: “Well, that’s no good! You should check all ID if you’re selling alcohol.”

Me: “Well, okay. May I see your ID, please?”

(She hands over an ID card that is obviously fake.)

Me: “Ma’am… this card says you’re seventeen.”

Customer: “Oh, dear! You’ve caught me! I’m much too young to be buying this! It’s a good thing you were checking IDs. I’d better just go now! *skips out the door*

Me: “…”

1 Thumbs
8,704
VOTES

Step 35c: Ask Customer To Reboot Dumbo

, , , | | Right | August 22, 2008

Customer: “Hey, all the computers in the store are down.”

Me: “Yep, I can’t ping your servers or anything. Are you in the computer room?”

Customer: “Yep.”

Me: “What’s on your console?”

Customer: “Hang on, let me get a flashlight.”

Me: “A flashlight? Why do you need a flashlight?”

Customer: “We’re in the middle of a power outage.”

Me: “Umm… sir, the computers won’t work without power.”

Customer: “Are you sure? They fixed it last time.”

Me: “Pretty sure… I’ve been doing this a while. How did you lose power?”

Customer: “An elephant stepped on the transformer.”

Me: “An… elephant?”

Customer: “We’re having a parking lot carnival, and an elephant got away from the handler.”

Me: “Ah, yes, I should have known… Those pesky elephants always causing us these problems.”

Customer: “What? Really?”

Me: “Yeah… Call us back when you get your power restored.”

1 Thumbs
2,806
VOTES
Page 146/148First...144145146147148
« Previous
Next »