Make You Fear’d The Beard

, , , , , | Working | April 9, 2018

(I go to get my hair cut at a local, low-cost hair salon. Nearly every time I go in there it’s a new cast of stylists. This is the first and only time I see a male stylist. It is very slow there today, with no other customers. He’s a nice and normal-seeming guy, and we’re having friendly conversation as he cuts my hair.)

Stylist: “Hey, you want me to take care of that part of your beard on your jaw that’s starting to curl under your ear?”

Me: “That’d be fine. I usually take care of that myself when I trim it, but you can save me time.”

Stylist: “Man, I just hate it when guys let that get out of control.”

Me: *thinking it’s not been anything I’ve ever noticed,but just going with the conversation* “Yeah, it can get out of control.”

Stylist: “I just want to pull on it when I see guys not taking care of that and yell, ‘WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY ARE YOU LETTING THIS THING GROW? IT’S SO F****** DISGUSTING AND NASTY! QUIT BEING GROSS! CUT IT OFF!’ You know?”

Me: *stunned* “Yeah, sure. I know what you mean.”

Time To Invent(ory) An Excuse To Leave

, , , , , | Working | April 9, 2018

Inventory is done late at night after we close. It takes eight hours and is always a headache. We have an inventory company that scans and counts all our items. Employees are on hand to double-check their counts and help with any issues.

This inventory was a perfect storm. Everything that could go wrong did. The inventory company was late. They couldn’t connect their controls to our Internet for at least an hour.

Two of the inventory company employees came to blows over a miscount and had to work at opposite ends of the store.

Two more were caught smoking illegal drugs and were immediately kicked off the premises.

One lady would periodically pick an employee to tearfully hug and absolutely no one found this weird or told her to stop.

Another was making a mess of the clothing tables and cussed out the store manager when asked to clean up after himself. (The store manager cussed him out right back and kicked him out after the druggies.)  

I recently learned I have unused vacation time. I’m using it during next inventory season.

Half-Baked Complaint

, , | Right | April 9, 2018

(The retail chain I work for coordinates with a local bakery to provide customers with rolls for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Because of the high demand, customers have to submit their order forms weeks in advance, and then the rolls are available in-store the day before the holiday.)

Customer: “Hi, I have a complaint. I ordered rolls from you guys and they weren’t in the store when I came to pick them up.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry about that. Did you get a confirmation that your order went through and everything?”

Customer: “Yes, but they weren’t there.”

Me: “Okay, I’m really sorry that that happened. Since it’s the bakery that makes them, let me give you their number to see why they didn’t deliver to your location on time.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want their number. I just want to complain.”

Me: “You’ll still need to contact the bakery. I don’t work for them; I work for [Small Retail Chain], so I can’t forward your complaint to anyone here.”

Customer: “I don’t want the bakery’s number.”

Me: “Okay?” *I wait for her to tell me what she does want, then…*

Customer: “Thank you, dear. Have a good day.” *hangs up*

Me: *thoroughly confused*

Shopping For An Indiana Jones-Themed Dinner Party

, , , , , | Right | April 9, 2018

(A little old lady walks in.)

Customer: “Excuse me? I need help finding something.”

Me: “Oh, okay. What are you looking for today?”

Customer: *checks list* “First off, where are your live octopus tentacles?”

(I stare at her silently for a moment.)

Me: “I… I don’t think we… um…. carry that particular item. Is there… anything else?”

Customer: “Oh, that’s fine. I’m also looking for porcupine and ostrich meat.”

(This time I’m even more surprised, and it obviously shows.)

Customer: “It doesn’t have to be mixed together. I can do it myself.”

Me: “I’m… I… I don’t think we have… that… either. I’m sorry. You may be interested in—”

Customer: “What about bats? Or toes? I mean, the toes would be pretty expensive, but I can afford them. I’m not poor!”

Me: “T-Toes?”

Customer: “Yes, and don’t try and trick me with monkey toes, because I know what a human toe looks like! They all try to trick me! All of them! I can’t trust you people anymore! You d*** lying b******!”

(I had to get my manager. The woman was kicked out of the store without purchasing anything.)

Self-Failing College Students; What Will They Think Of Next?

, , , , , | Learning | April 8, 2018

(I am taking a forensic anthropology class. Our final hands-on exam spans over two class sessions in two days. For the first session, you collect data from an assortment of bones, using that data to fill out questions during the second session. Needless to say, if you miss one of the two final sessions, your grade will not be so hot in the end. We also have to change partners each session to mix up the data. This occurs during the start of the second session.)

Classmate: *to me* “Hey, do you want to partner up today?”

Me: “Sure.”

Classmate: *is quiet for a few seconds, until…* “I was a big dummy and I missed the first day of the exam. What were we doing?”

(Immediately, I cringe inside, as I know this can only end so well for both of us. I explain what happened as the professor hands out worksheets.)

Me: *turning to classmate* “So, where do you want to start?”

Classmate: “I have no idea; I’m so confused.”

Me: “Uh… I have no idea how to help you. You already said you missed the first day of the exam.”

Classmate: *sigh* “I’ll just leave, then.”

(I figure she’ll go talk to the professor, but instead she stands up, pulls a red ink pen from her pencil pouch, and writes a giant “F” on her worksheet. She then pushes her notes to the side of the table, grabs her backpack, and walks out. The professor and I just watch, slack-jawed.)

Me: *turning to professor, still stunned* “What did I do?”

(Luckily, the professor heard the whole exchange and reassured me I did nothing wrong. Less than 30 seconds later, another student arrived, and I got a new partner with whom I was able to complete the test.)