(I work in a department store, and everyone works for different brands within the store. I am the manager for a designer men’s fashion company. We also have a big-name travel company within our store, which my coworker works for. This coworker comes over to me.)

Coworker: “Hey, I’m organising a vacation for a customer you had earlier today. He bought a jumper off you?”

Me: “Okay?”

Coworker: “Yeah, the thing is, he said the jumper was faulty, so he’s asking that instead of a refund, could I just take money off the holiday?”

Me: “Well, that’s not really how it works. I’ll still have to process the refund in-store.”

Coworker: “Oh, really? Why?”

(I’m getting frustrated at this point, as I can’t see how it isn’t obvious.)

Me: “Well, I only have his word that the jumper is faulty, and I’ll need to see his proof of purchase. In what way is it faulty, anyway?”

Coworker: “It caught on fire.”

(Stunned silence.)

Me: “It… caught on fire? Just spontaneously?!”

Coworker: “Hang on. I’ll go check.”

(I stand in disbelief until the coworker comes back.)

Coworker: “He’s complaining because he went to a restaurant, and set his bag with the jumper inside down on a candle, and it caught on fire, and he wasn’t aware that would happen.”

Me: “If he doesn’t know that putting a woollen jumper on a candle will make it catch fire, I think he has bigger problems!”

(Amazingly, this went on for another 20 minutes, with my coworker pressing for me to give the guy a refund because she wanted to close the deal on the holiday! Without a doubt, the most ridiculous customer complaint I’ve ever received.)

(I work at a pet boarding facility which sells dog food on the side; it is not a money maker, just a convenience service. A client calls and asks if he can purchase a big bag of dog food WHILE WE ARE CLOSED. The employee who answers the call gives him the hours that we are open, during which he can buy his dog food. Said client throws a hissy fit because, “how DARE we say no? He is the CUSTOMER.” A few days later, he is in with his dog and he launches into me.)

Client: “You know, I came on Sunday and tried to buy food while you guys were closed, and your staff told me no. That is obviously how you train your staff to treat clients, so I will no longer be purchasing my food from you.”

Me: “Uh, okay. We were closed at the time, so…”

Client: “The lady I talk to knows full well how to operate the front and sell food, so don’t try to give me the excuse that she was just a tech!”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, but, I mean, we were closed at the time, so—”

Client: “It’s really too bad. It’s such an inconvenience for me to have to go elsewhere to get my dog’s food now, since you will no longer be receiving my business.”

Me: “Okay… How about I go get your dog now?”

(This client is still a heavy user of our services that actually make us money, dropping $300+ a month. The only thing he stopped doing was purchasing the product we literally ONLY carry as a convenience for our clients, and he regularly complains to us about how he “has to” go so far out of his way to get his dog’s food now, because we would not drop everything and open exclusively for him.)

(I go into the copy room at a research library to find out how much copies cost, so I know how much cash to get over my lunch break. I’m not holding anything at all, and, obviously, I am not about to use the copy machine.)

Patron: *from a table ten feet away* “I’m using that.”

Me: “Oh, okay. I’m just seeing how much copies are.”

Patron: “You can’t use it! I’m using it.”

Me: “Oh, no. I don’t want it now; I just want to find out how much they cost.”

Patron: “I’m making a lot of copies right now, and you can’t use it!”

Me: *having verified the cost and starting to move away* “I don’t have anything to copy right now; I just want to know how much money I need to get.”

Patron: “You can’t use it! I’m using it!”

Customer: “I’ll have a #7.”

Me: “So, that’s a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich on an English muffin?”

Customer: “No, I want it on a plain bagel.”

Me: “No problem. So, a bacon, egg, and cheese on a plain bagel––”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “No?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “You asked for a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich on a plain bagel, right?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Then, why’d you say no?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

(After handing an order — a sandwich with cheese — out the drive-through window, I walk away. The customer starts banging on the window and yelling for me to come back. When I return, the customer holds the now-unwrapped sandwich out to me.)

Customer: “There’s no cheese on this sandwich!”

(There is definitely cheese on the sandwich. It is melted, and stringy, and sticking to the wrapper at the sides of the sandwich. I don’t really know how to respond, so…)

Me: “Oh, uh… I’m sorry… about that… let me fix it for you…”

(I take the sandwich back. I walk back to the girl who is making sandwiches. I explain the situation to her, and we both have a bit of a chuckle. Then, I re-wrap the same sandwich and take it back to him. He unwraps it, checking it for cheese.)

Customer: “Ah, you made it right this time. I guess sometimes we all make mistakes, right? Thank you!”

(And with that, he drove off. Yes, sir, sometimes we ALL make mistakes.)