You’re So Hot

, , , , , | Romantic | February 10, 2019

(My husband is getting ready to go to work, which he really doesn’t want to do.)

Me: “You have to start the car to let it heat up; it’s cold outside”

(He gets an evil grin on his face, walks up to me, and grabs my boob, turning his hand a little.)

Me: “What do you think you are doing?”

Husband: “Starting the car, but it’s not working. OH!” *while still holding my boob, he moves behind me and stands so his front is touching my backside* “Maybe I have to put the key in.”

Me:Out! Go start the car!”

(He opens up his mouth to say something, but before he does I specify:)

Me: “The Malibu!”

Husband: “But you are my Malibu Barbie.”

(Laughing, he runs out of the house to start the car. A couple of minutes later, he is back inside and asks where his mitts are; I borrowed them to shovel some snow.)

Me: *handing them to him* “Sorry, they are still wet. At work, you should put them by a heater or something so they dry properly.”

(Again, he gets that evil smile and walks up to me, placing a mitt on each shoulder. I just look at him.)

Husband: “They will be dry in no time now.”

Me: *oblivious* “What do you mean?”

Husband: “You said to put them by something hot!”

(He is the weirdest romantic you will ever meet, but he’s mine.)

“I Don’t Read” Doesn’t Read Well As An Excuse

, , , , , | Right | January 22, 2019

Customer: “I’d like to return this.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t do returns at this company.”

Customer: “Since when?!”

Me: “Well, I’ve been here for five years and I know we haven’t done returns in that time.”

Customer: “It doesn’t say that anywhere; I wasn’t informed of this so I want my money back!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it says right here on the receipt that we don’t do refunds, but I’ll be happy to put it on a gift card for you.”

Customer: “I wasn’t aware you don’t do refunds; therefore, I want my money back. I didn’t see that on the receipt.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, we tell all our customers our policy during the transaction. It also says it here and here.” *points to a large sign on the wall and a sign on the cash desk*

Customer: “This is all new to me. I still want my money back. I paid cash for this and that is what I want back.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am, but there isn’t even an option for us to do that. We can put the amount you paid onto a gift card for this store, and that total will never expire.”

Customer: “I want to talk to your manager.”

Me: “Ma’am, I am the manager of this location, but I can definitely call another manager who has been here since day one, if that is what you want.”

(After speaking on the phone to the other manager, I then passed the phone to the customer. She was very calm and sweet on the phone. Then, she passed the phone back, grabbed her merchandise, and exited the store, never to be seen again. I’ll never understand why customers think that they can just change rules whenever they want. I don’t make them up; I only enforce them.)

Doesn’t Float Their Boat

, , , , | Right | January 16, 2019

(I work at a popular fast food joint, and wasn’t trained before I started working. Because of that, I have to ask my coworkers quite a few questions about how to change what the combo drink or side is. A woman around fifty with her teenage son comes up to my till.)

Customer: “I’d like a [popular burger] combo with an ice cream float, please.”

(I’ve only been working for a few days, and I’m not sure that it is possible to include a float as a drink, so I pull my more knowledgeable coworker over to help me change the drink. We’re having the conversation loud enough for the woman to clearly hear that we’re changing the drink from a soda to a float, and she says nothing. Once her tray with her burger and float are out, anger ensues.)

Customer: “Hey, this isn’t what I ordered. I ordered a g**d***** burger combo with a float.”

Me: “Yes, that’s what I’ve given you.”

Customer: “F***! How f****** dumb can you be? I ordered a burger combo with a float.”

(The coworker who helped me process the order comes over to see what’s going on.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, what’s the problem?”

Customer: “THIS G**D***** IDIOT F***** UP MY ORDER! I DEMAND THAT I GET A REFUND AND A FREE BURGER FOR MY SON. I ORDERED A BURGER COMBO WITH A FLOAT.”

(Apparently, the woman wanted a burger combo with the regular soda and a float on the side. Never did she say anything about me changing what the drink was on her combo. About half an hour after she leaves, she comes back and hands me a dollar.)

Customer: “I’m sorry that I snapped, but I expect you to never f*** up my order again.”

(We never saw her again.)

What A Childish Display

, , , , | Right | January 6, 2019

(I am shopping around at my local electronics store. I witness a strange conversation between a customer and an employee.)

Customer: “I want the earphones in the display.”

Employee: “For sure. Give me a moment and I’ll get the keys for the display. Which earphones do you want?”

Customer: “Black ones. I want to take them with me while I shop.”

Employee: “Sorry, we have a policy about items in displays; we have to bring them to the cashier, and then you can check them out.”

(As the employee takes out the earphones, the customer keeps trying to take the earphones from the employee like a little child.)

Customer: “You know what? Forget it. I do not want them anymore.” *storms out of the store for no reason*

Me: “Well, that was strange and funny at the same time.”

Employee: “Welcome to retail.”

It’s A Christmas Carol Miracle

, , , , | Working | December 25, 2018

(I am a cashier and it’s Christmas time. For some reason, we can’t hear the music at the tills so, trying to stay sane, I’m singing Christmas carols. My coworkers are having fun bugging me about my singing — “You’re scaring the customers out of the store,” “My ears are bleeding,” etc. On my lunch, I grab some things I need and go through the till. I pay, and the till freezes. Normally it just takes a minute to unfreeze, and in that time we get into the habit of threatening the computer.)

Me: “If you don’t start working, I’ll kick you, and I’m wearing my steel toes.”

Coworker: “Not scary enough.”

Me: “I’ll start singing again.”

(The computer instantly starts working.)

Coworker: *laughing* “Now that’s scary!”

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