(A little kid understands horns, but he can’t understand how antlers fall off then grow back.)

Little Boy: “So, the animal dies, then the antlers fall off?”

Me: “No, they fall off, and then a new pair grows while the animal is still alive.”

Little Boy: “But the animal dies?”

Me: *getting frustrated* “No. It’s like losing a tooth. You lose one, and a new one grows in, but this happens to some animals once a year.”

Little Boy: “But the tooth fairy makes me lose my teeth.”

Me: “Well, the antler fairy makes them lose theirs.”

Little Boy: “And then she takes them, right?”

Me: “Yeah!”

Little Boy: “But how did you get that one?” *pointing at the antler*

Me: “Well, the antler fairy brings them to zoos so we can tell people about them.”

Little Boy: “But what about Santa?”

Me: *confused* “Santa?”

Little Boy: “Yeah, doesn’t he like to keep the antlers?”

Me: “He keeps some, but the rest he gives to the antler fairy.”

Little Boy: “Ohhhhhhhh.”

(This happens to a coworker of mine. They are standing in front of the wolf pen:)

Zoo Visitor: “Are the wolf eggs poisonous?”

(As part of our checkout process, we’re required to ask if the customer is a member of our loyalty program. This particular customer says she is, but hasn’t shopped with us in years; I try to look up her old account but can’t find it, so she decides to just get a new account. I take all the necessary information and create the new account for her, then mention that I can give her a 10% discount for signing up with us.)

Customer: “Oh, well, in that case, there was one other item I was considering buying. Can I go grab it really quick?”

Me: “Sure, no problem!”

(She steps away from the registers, and because we’ve been quite busy all day and there’s a long line of customers behind her, I put a suspend on her transaction, set her items aside, and help the next person in line. By the time I finish that transaction, the original customer has returned, and is called up by my manager, who is on the register next to mine.)

Customer: *pointing to me* “She was helping me; I don’t know what happened….”

Me: *gathering her items from where I’d set them aside* “I just put a suspend on the order, but I can finish it up for you now!”

(Up until this point the customer has been perfectly civil, but now all of a sudden she explodes.)

Customer: “I stepped away for TWO SECONDS!”

Manager: *clearly as shocked by the sudden outburst as I am* “I… I’m sorry ma’am, but there’s a line—”

Customer: *still very belligerent* “No, it’s fine; I don’t need an explanation.”

(Meanwhile I’ve resumed the transaction, but I am distracted enough by the customer’s outburst that I miss one item, and only notice that I didn’t scan it after she’s paid for the rest of her items. So, bracing for another outburst, I apologize and start a new transaction for the last item, and do an override to give her the 10% discount, even though this is technically no longer her first transaction after opening a loyalty account. Because it was my mistake — and because I know she’ll blow up at me if I don’t — I give her the discount. She glares at me through this whole second transaction, but I get through it and hand her her bag and receipt.)

Me: “Okay, you’re all set. Have a nice day!”

(At this point she just takes her bag and stays standing at the register, still glaring at me.)

Me: “Um… Is there something else I can help you with?”

Customer: *in the most snarky tone imaginable* “Well, I thought you might say, ‘Thank you,’ since I did spend my money here, and you did make me wait.”

(And then, while I struggled to come up with a response that wouldn’t get me fired on the spot, she turned and walked away. I had to step into the back for a minute until I could stop shaking with rage.)

(I’m facing shelves near the produce section when a frustrated customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me! Where are your peaches in produce?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but peaches are out of season. We have canned or frozen ones.”

Customer: “No, I want fresh peaches. Can you check in the back?”

Me: “I’m certain we don’t have them. Fresh peaches won’t be available until the fall. We only have preserved peaches until then.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. How come every single store I go to doesn’t carry fresh peaches? I’ve been driving all over town!”

Me: “No one is going to have them; peach trees only bear fruit in the late summer. At this point in the year, the peaches would just be flowers. Fresh peaches are only available for a limited time each year. “

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! Can’t they make them go faster?”

Me: “Peaches are strictly a cold-climate tree, so they can’t bear fruit year-round. All stone fruit trees need winters, then they bloom in the spring, and the peaches themselves take months to grow. Unfortunately, we just have to go by their schedule.”

Customer: “Well, that’s terrible customer service!”

Me: “Sir, the trees are doing the best they can.”

(He went away grumbling. I can understand a person not knowing about agriculture, but expecting prompt service from plants is really out of touch.)

(It’s a Saturday, and we were open for our normal hours, 9:00 am to 1:00 pm. It’s New Year’s Eve, but since it’s a short day, anyway, there is no change in our hours. It’s a common occurrence for customers to come up to the door after we’ve closed and test the door, but today is my new favorite. A customer approaches the door and we can see his shadow through the blinds. He sees the posted hours on the window.)

Customer: *dejected* “Oh, man! I just missed them.”

(The customer is quiet for a few seconds, and then tries to open the door very aggressively, turning the locked handle and shaking the door for about five seconds. Then, he gives up. It goes quiet for a moment, and then I see the shadow of the customer walk past the window, head hanging down, defeated.)

Me: *to coworker* “Did that really just happen? Did he actually verbally recognize that he missed us, but still go door-shaker on us, anyway?”

(The kicker? He didn’t actually “just miss” us. It was 1:30. He wasn’t even close.)

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