(I work in a store where everything is the same price, unless we have a label on it for deals, so I answer a LOT of stupid questions. I also have to answer a lot of odd questions, but even those get repeated. This one is new. I’m currently serving at the tills.)

Me: “Hi, ma’am. Would you like a bag?”

Customer #1: “That tea over there says, ‘decafé.’ Does that mean it hasn’t got coffee in it?”

(Both [Customer #2] and I look confused.)

Me: “Ma’am, that says, ‘decaf.’ It means decaffeinated.”

Customer #1: “So, it hasn’t got coffee in it?”

Me: “Tea never has coffee in it. ‘Decaf’ means it hasn’t got caffeine in it.”

Customer #1: “What’s caffeine?”

(I don’t know the dictionary definition of caffeine; all I know is that it gives people a boost of energy and shouldn’t be consumed in large quantities when pregnant. So, I explain the best I can, but I can see she doesn’t understand. Still, my manager is always asking us to get customers to buy more.)

Customer #1: “So, it means it doesn’t have coffee in it?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Would you like a box?”

Customer #1: “Yes, I’ll just go get it.”

(Looking at the growing line, and as I’ve already seen how fast she walks — not very — I decide this is a bad idea.)

Me: “That’s okay, ma’am. I’ll get it.”

(I get the box and get [Customer #1] swiftly away before I turn to [Customer #2].)

Customer #2: “Well…”

Me: “Sorry about the wait. I’ve never had to explain what caffeine is before.”

Related:
Should Have Espresso’d It Clearer, Part 3
Should Have Espresso’d It Clearer, Part 2

(Our hotel is right by the airport, so most of our guests are people coming in on flights from other parts of the country. A lot of the time, people who are arriving in a few days will call ahead to get the layout of the area and local attractions.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, my husband and I will be staying there next week, and we wanted to know how far it is to the Empire State Building.”

Me: *mild shock and general speechlessness* “Uh, ma’am, we are about six hours from New York City.”

Caller: *scoffs at my apparent stupidity* “Well, I am looking at it right now on the Google, and it says that your hotel is only a 20-minute walk from the Empire State building.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can assure you that you would not be able to walk from our hotel in Upstate New York to New York City, which is about 300 miles away.”

Caller: “Well, I don’t think you have any idea where you live. And I think that you are an idiot. I just talked to my husband, and he is sure that when he booked the room it said it was close to downtown.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, we are very close to downtown Rochester. Not downtown Manhattan. The two are very far apart.”

Caller: “You’re an idiot and we will be staying somewhere else, where people know how far it is to the places around them.”

(At this point, I was simply too dumbstruck to know what else to say, so I just told her to have a nice day and that I was sorry we couldn’t help her. She ended up calling back a few days later and screaming at the manager of my hotel, who also told her we were not within walking distance of the Empire State Building.)

This story is part of our New York City roundup!

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(I’m the customer in this story. I’ve bought some clothes during a sale, but the price the cashier gives me is almost ten dollars more than I was expecting. I don’t want to cause a fuss without reason, so I pay, but I immediately inspect the receipt, and spot the problem right away.)

Me: “Oh, yeah… Taxes are a thing that exist, aren’t they?”

Cashier: *laughing*

Me: “Thanks! Have a good day!”

Related:
A Lax Understanding Of Tax

(I am working at the reference desk. A patron walks over from the computer lab. We are unable to see anything in the computer lab from the reference desk.)

Patron: “Who was that black woman who took one of my printed pages? I know she did it on purpose! I want to know who she is!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we can’t see anything in the computer lab from the reference desk.”

Patron: “Well, can’t you use the computer sign-in to tell me who did it? It’s right here.” *points at clipboard, which is only used for people who need guest passes*

(I point out that I still wouldn’t be able to match a name to a face.)

Patron: “Well, can’t you just separate the blacks from the whites, then?”

(A new policy has been in effect for only a couple weeks about children under six years old not being allowed in rated-R movies. A lot of people don’t know the policy. Corporate had us put up a small sign alerting customers to the new rule.)

Me: “Hi there! What can I do for you today?”

Customer: “Hello. I’d like 11 tickets to [R-rated movie], please.”

(I spot a small child in his group.)

Me: “Okay, sir. How old is your little one?”

Customer: “He’s five.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but children six and under aren’t allowed in rated-R movies.”

Customer: “Oh, it’s okay; he’ll be with me.”

Me: “I understand, but he’s still not allowed in.”

Customer: *angry* “That’s ridiculous! I’m his father, and I decide what he can see! He’s six.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “He’s not five; he’s six. I forgot he had a birthday recently.”

Me: “The policy is that those six and under aren’t permitted. I’m sorry, sir, but no.”

(He comes inside. My co-assistant manager is next to me; I am also an assistant manager. My coworker has heard the whole conversation.)

Customer: “I want to talk to your manager now!”

Me: “I’m an assistant manager, and so is she.”

Customer: *to my coworker* “Why can’t my child see this movie?!”

Coworker: “As she has stated, the policy states that children under six can’t see R-rated movies. I’m sorry, but we don’t make the rules; we simply enforce them from corporate.”

Customer: *now yelling* “You guys are Nazis! You are just like the townspeople who did nothing when Nazis were burning bodies!”

Coworker: “I’m not listening to this.” *walks away*

Me: “Sir, please don’t call us Nazis.”

Customer: “That’s what you are! I want your names, and the corporate phone number! This is outrageous!”

Me: “No problem.” *hands him paper with all the info asked for* “Again, please don’t call us Nazis.”

(He left and never contacted corporate.)