(My fiancé and I are sitting in the living room. We originally met on a ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ message board. We are at the end of a ‘If I turned into a _____, would you kill me?’ conversation.)

Fiancé: “Okay, fine. What if I was a vampire? Would you kill me?”

Me: *wryly* “Okay, are we talking Forever Knight vampire, Buffy the Vampire Slayer vampire, or…” *makes a face* “Twilight vampire?”

Fiancé: *frowns* “…or? It sounded like you were going to give me a third choice. And why are you making that face?”

Me: “I did give you a third choice. I said…” *makes another face* “Twilight”.

Fiancé: *sighs* “You did it again. You just stopped, made a face and trailed off.”

Me: “No, I said the same thing twice.”

Fiancé: “What was it?”

Me: “Twilight. As in Twilight Princess.”

Fiancé: *laughs* “Oh! I only heard it in the Zelda context. I mentally block it out on its own now. To me it does not exist. And so you still only gave me two choices. Buffy vampire.”

Me: “I really love you. And yes. Yes, I would kill you.”

(I am a vampire at a haunted house. My costume includes fangs, a cape, and of course, I am drenched in blood.)

Teenage Girl: *looking extremely mad* “What is this?! They got your costumes all wrong!”

Me: *snarling, not dropping character* “You smell delicious… It’s so rare we get fresh victims…”

Teenage Girl: “No, no, no! Vampires drink ANIMAL blood! And why aren’t you sparkling?!”

Me: “Your neck… It’s so… inviting—”

Teenage Girl: “This is WRONG! You aren’t real vampires!” *stomps away*

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(I’m helping a customer in her early teens.)

Customer: “Hey, I’m trying to find a game for my boyfriend. Could you help me?”

Me: “Yeah, sure. What sort of—”

Customer: “Oh, the guy on this is hot! What’s this like?”

Me: “Oh, that’s the new Castlevania game. Basically, it’s about killing vampires and werewolves.”

Customer: “What!?! Why would anyone buy this?! Vampires and werewolves are cool and hot! You make me sick selling this! Haven’t you ever seen Twilight!? Vampires are like people!” *runs out of the shop with tears in her eyes*

Me: “I feel so sorry for her boyfriend.”

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Customer: “Excuse me, do you have that new Twilight movie Breaking Dawn?”

(Note: as the customer asks this question, I am stocking a life-sized display case of Edward and Bella and have an armful of Breaking Dawn DVDs. The store is also filled with piles of Breaking Dawn pre-orders, Breaking Dawn promo merchandise, and several Breaking Dawn dozen posters advertising the movie’s DVD release. The customer looks right down at the Breaking Dawn DVD in my hand and, before I can answer him, he continues.)

Customer: *sighs* “Oh, well. Guess not.” *turns around and leaves without another word*

(Note: 40 degrees Celsius is about 104 degrees Fahrenheit.)

Me: *on the phone* “Hi, I’ll need you to come and pick up your son right away. He’s not feeling very well.”

Mother: “What’s wrong?”

Me: “He’s running a 40-degree temperature.”

Mother: “Oh. No, he’s fine. That’s normal.”

Me: “Uh, I’m sorry?”

Mother: “Don’t worry about him, love. That’s normal. He’s a werewolf, you know. Werewolves run hot. Didn’t you know that?”

(It takes me a few moments, but I realize she’s perfectly serious.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I still think you need to take him to the doctor.”

Mother: “Ugh, fine. I’ll come and get him, but the doctor will only say what I told you!”