Halloween Has-Been

| MA, USA | Friendly | December 31, 2015


(A friend of mine is known for really hamming it up during the Halloween season. Two of his trademarks are a cackling laugh and a deathly vocal tone that manages to skirt the boundaries between comical and genuinely pants-wettingly terrifying. We’re walking through a haunted house, which also features cameras that will record when the costumed actors jump out to scare you so everyone can see your reaction. Being a veteran of such attractions, my friend is on the look out for the cameras and, upon seeing one, proceeds to let loose with his maniacal laughter while cutting a very psychotic facial expression. Later we’re at the booth where one can watch the recordings and we see the playback of him looking just as frightening as the actors around him. There are two women standing in front of us watching the screen.)

Woman: “Well, I’m certainly glad that guy was nowhere near us while we were in there. I was scared enough without worrying about someone like him stalking me.”

(My friend is unable to help himself.)

Friend: *in his best scary voice* “How do you know I’m not? AH HA HA HA HA HA!”

(Both women promptly turn, scream, and run for the exit.)

Friend: “I swear, my work place would be so much more pleasant if they’d let me use that on actual customers.”

He’s The Best Actor Of The Bunch

, | TN, USA | Right | October 14, 2013

(It’s mid-September. I’m helping my parents with their haunted house by working in the concessions stand. For the past few years, a customer has gone through and come back out blackened and bruised and sues us, claiming one of our actors hit him. While he has never won a case due to lack of evidence, the trials themselves drain away anywhere from $500-$1000 of our income. We banned him the year before, but this year he comes back and we’re sure it’s to try his scam again. The cashier is new and doesn’t know his face, so she goes ahead and sells him a ticket. After that he walks up to the stand where my coworker and I are.)

Customer: “Man, just starting the season, and you guys are already this busy? I bet you’ll be rich before the year is over.”

Coworker: “Yeah… I get a feeling not as much as we should, since you’re here.”

Customer: “Aw, come on; I can’t help it that your employees are all brutes and bullies. Anyway, I’m going to go ahead and go in. Take care!”

(My coworker looks ready to call security; I tap her on the shoulder and shake my head, watching as the man goes through.)

Coworker: “Why did you do that? You know what he’s going to do.”

(I give my best slasher smile.)

Me: “We bought security cameras this year.”

(Sure enough, he made another attempt at his scam. The camera caught him goading an actor into attacking him, and when they didn’t fall for it, he walked out of sight of people but still where cameras were. He bashed his arm and head against the wall until he bruised. When he tried to sue, we let him take to us to court and showed the camera footage. The case was dropped immediately, and we counter-sued him for roughly three times the cost of being taken to court, very nearly making up all the money he had scammed out of us in the years past.)

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He Is Twice The Man

, , | Orlando, FL, USA | Right | October 18, 2012

(For the Halloween season, we’re running several horror houses, which aren’t otherwise open throughout the year. Light-up devices aren’t allowed inside any of the houses, and as a queue supervisor, I’ve been warning people of this via a cute spiel I made up.)

Me: “There are no light-up devices allowed inside. It will make it easier to find you, and you will be eaten alive most violently!”

(At this point, a guest, who seems to have had both legs amputated and is in a wheelchair, speaks up.)

Guest: “But I’ve already been half-eaten!”

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More Daylight, Less Twilight, Part 7

, , | Oregon, USA | Right | March 1, 2012

(I am a vampire at a haunted house. My costume includes fangs, a cape, and of course, I am drenched in blood.)

Teenage Girl: *looking extremely mad* “What is this?! They got your costumes all wrong!”

Me: *snarling, not dropping character* “You smell delicious… It’s so rare we get fresh victims…”

Teenage Girl: “No, no, no! Vampires drink ANIMAL blood! And why aren’t you sparkling?!”

Me: “Your neck… It’s so… inviting—”

Teenage Girl: “This is WRONG! You aren’t real vampires!” *stomps away*


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