Make You Laugh Like A Donkey

, , , , , , | Learning | November 12, 2017

(The summer before I start fourth grade, at age nine, I spend most days at a summer school/daycare hybrid with lots of kids up to my age. It’s brilliantly organized; each week has a specific educational theme, with snacks and activities and guests all focused on that theme all week, often including a Friday field trip related to it, too. One week in particular is focused on animals or farm life or something. We have a guest speaker who is telling us about different farm animals.)

Guest: “And what is this animal?”

Class: “A horse!”

Guest: “Right! What about this one? Kind of looks similar…”

Class: “A donkey!”

Guest: “That’s right! And did you know that sometimes a horse and a donkey will have a baby? Does anyone know what we call a half-horse, half-donkey?”

(My hand shoots up enthusiastically.)

Guest: “Yes?”

Me: “A JACKA**!”

(The class, and some of the instructors, erupt in laughter.)

Guest: *awkwardly* “Well, no, we call it a mule.”

Kids Grab The Darndest Things

, , , , | Learning | October 24, 2017

(I work in a daycare in the toddler room. I work the closing shift, meaning a floater and I are usually there by ourselves from about 4:30 on. Today, we have only a couple kids left, which gives us a chance to interact one-on-one. I am hanging out with one of our more precocious two-year-olds. She is sitting on my lap, facing me. She is expecting a little brother or sister at home, and is talking to me about it. She segues into talking about breastfeeding, since her parents have explained this is how the baby will eat; this is not unusual for our clientele. Unfortunately, toddlers have zero concept of modesty or personal space, and this happens:)

Little Girl: “Mommy will feed the baby with her boobies.”

Me: “Really?”

Little Girl: “Uh-huh.” *without warning, she reaches out to grab mine through my shirt* “Do you got boobies?”

Me: “…”

Pee-ple Are The Worst

| USA | Right | July 27, 2017

(I work as the late teacher at a daycare, meaning I am the last one to leave. It is Halloween and most of the kids are picked up early to avoid traffic due to some of the roads being closed around the daycare for trick-or-treating. All the other teachers got to leave about 30 minutes early, but of course I have one late kid. Finally the kid gets picked up and I’m actually going to get to leave about five minutes early. As I am walking out the card access-only door, a woman and child rush in.)

Woman: “He needs to go to the bathroom!”

Me: “Um, sorry, we don’t—”

Woman: *cuts me off and rushes through the door before I can close it* “It’s okay, he knows where it is!”

Me: *now to no one* “—have public bathrooms.”

(I ended up having to wait an extra ten minutes to make sure they did not get into anything in the daycare.)

How To Kill A Conversation

| NY, USA | Learning | July 9, 2017

(Near the end of naptime I am chatting quietly with one of my three-year-old early-wakers about his recent vacation. There is a lull in the conversation, and then this happens:)

Kid: *completely matter-of-factly* “Miss [My Name], you know what? When you get older? You’re gonna die.”

It’s Not Your Imagination

, , , | Learning | June 19, 2017

(I work for a daycare centre. I am saying goodbye to the children before we close, when a young boy asks me a question.)

Boy: “Can I bring my dog tomorrow?”

Me: “Sorry, but we aren’t allowed pets.”

Boy: “What about imaginary?”

Me: “Oh, imaginary is fine!”

(His face lights up and I say I’m looking forward to meeting his dog. The morning after, the owner comes into the office where I am printing the register for the day.)

Owner: “Did you tell the kids yesterday that they could bring pets?”

Me: “No— Oh, there was one boy who wanted to bring an imaginary dog.”

Owner: “[Boy]? Well he’s brought a REAL dog.”

(I follow the owner out and see a bunch of children playing with a border terrier puppy.)

Boy: “Miss, come see!”

(I walk over and pet the pup. It’s seems perfectly content.)

Me: “I thought you said you had an imaginary dog?”

Boy: “I do!”

(I look at him and then his father, who looks rather amused. The owner then tries to convince the boy that he’s wrong, with the boy adamant that he’s right. Then the thought hits me.)

Me: “May I?”

(I pick up the pup and check its nametag. I’m actually silenced by the revelation and show the owner. She looks equally as stunned before laughing hysterically. The dad then owns up and admits he wanted to see our reaction before taking the dog home. The owner was impressed enough that she decided to let it stay as long as the other parents were ok with it. A couple weren’t pleased, but after seeing how happy their children were, decided to go with it. So Imaginary the dog got to spend the day with us.)

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