Customer: “I’ve read all of the Twilight books. I love them! Has Stephenie Meyer done anything else?”

Me: “Yes, she wrote another book called The Host.”

Customer: “Great! I didn’t see any other books where the Twilight series is, though.”

Me: “This one is actually shelved in science fiction. I’ll show you.”

Customer: “Science fiction?! Why?”

Me: “Well, she didn’t write it for the young adult section. Plus, given the subject matter, I guess that’s what made the most sense.”

Customer: “What’s wrong with the subject matter?”

Me: “Nothing. It’s about an alien, so–”

Customer: “Wait, an alien?! So… there are no vampires?”

Me: “No, not in this one.”

Customer: “Forget it. I only read vampire books these days. Aliens are just too unrealistic.”

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(I am checking out at a local book store and the clerk recognizes my book, Howl’s Moving Castle, and decides to make conversation. There’s another customer behind me in line. She’s in her mid-40s.)

Clerk: “Oh, I loved this movie, but I didn’t realize it was a book!”

Me: “Yeah, it’s one of my favorites! The book is so much better than the movie. It gives a whole new perspective on everything!”

Clerk: “Then I’ll be sure to check it–”

Customer Behind Me: *eyes full of excitement* “Are you talking about Twilight?”

Clerk & Me: *together* “NO.”

(A customer approaches me with a box set of the Twilight novels.)

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a gift for my 13-year-old granddaughter and I think she would like these. My wife said to look at them. Don’t they promote abstinence?”

Me: “Well, sort of. The two main characters do end up sleeping together in the final book, though they are married. There’s some uncomfortable gore, though. I wouldn’t recommend it for a 13-year-old.”

Customer: *confused* “I was told these would be great for her. What kind of gore do you mean?”

Me: “Well, the girl ends up getting pregnant with a half-vampire baby and, er, the male main character sort of rips it out of her with his teeth.”

Customer: *drops books in horror* “That’s horrific! And these are for teenage girls? Why would people read that?”

Me: “I wonder the same thing myself, sir.”

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(I have albinism, so I have very pale skin, white hair, and red irises.)

Me: “Hi. What can I get for you?”

Customer: “Are… are you a vampire?”

Me: “Well, my dad is half-vampire.” *laughing*

Customer: “Please, don’t bite me.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not going to bite you.”

Customer: “Don’t put any blood in my food either. I don’t want to be a vampire.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not going to put blood in your food. I’m not a vampire. We serve regular food here.”

Customer: “Let me speak to your manager.”

(I go and get my manager, and fill him in on what’s going on.)

Customer: *to my manager* “Is your vampire waitress going to bite me?”

Manager: “Only if you don’t tip her well.”

(The woman looks completely horrified, but finally ends up ordering and leaving me a 21% tip.)

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(The customer is a middle-aged male, wearing a tweed jacket and thick glasses. He’s buying all of the ‘Twilight’ books.)

Me: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”

Customer: “Yes, unfortunately. I’m really not looking forward to reading these.”

Me: “Oh, why not?”

Customer: “Well, I’m an English professor. Every time I reference low forms of literature, I always use Twilight as an example. Today a student asked if I’ve actually read them, and I had to say no. They demanded that I do.”

(He hung his head in shame.)