(A very old man with a Dracula Transylvania accent comes into the store. I am standing in an aisle restocking something, easily spotted by anyone entering the store.)

Dracula: “HO HO HO!” *it’s summer btw* “Where is everybody? All hands on deck! Can’t I get some f**king help here?!”

Me bewildered: “Uhm, I’m right here. What can I help you with sir?”

Dracula: “I need new razor blades.”

Me: “Okay, they are right over here.” *leads him to display* “What kind of razor do you have?”

Dracula: “I don’t know! Why does that matter? How am I supposed to know that?”

Me: “Well, there are different blades for each kind of razor. If you can look through the razors we have and show me what it looks like, I’ll get you fixed up.”

(Dracula finds his razor and I find his blades.)

Me: “Do you want the four-count or the eight-count? The eight-count costs a bit more.”

Dracula: “Give me the eight-count! You think I want to come back here every day? No one works here!”

(I get the blades for him and start heading toward the checkout. He stops me and snatches the blades from me.)

Dracula: “I need to see them first to make sure they’re right! *starts to open them*

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but you can’t just open things. We matched them up to your razor. I’m sure they are right.”

Dracula: *opens them anyway* “They’re right!”

(He hands them to me and again I move toward the checkout. Again, he stops me.)

Dracula: “What are you doing? Those are open. I’m not buying them!”

Me: “Sir, you were the one to open them after I clearly told you not to. So you are buying these. Next time, don’t open things you don’t want.”

(He grabs another box of the shelf and snatches the open box from me. He tosses it onto a lower shelf and says…)

Dracula: “You need a display anyway! You should have a display so people know what they are buying!”

Me: “Sir, I’m fairly certain that our customers with children would not appreciate an open razor blade display!”

(I snatch them up and sell him the unopened box; at this point, I just wanted him out of the store. We dealt with Dracula twice more.)

This story is part of the Even-Stranger-Customers roundup!

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(A group of students comes into the bar dressed as cavemen, complete with wigs and squeaky plastic clubs.)

Caveman #1: *banging squeaky club on bar* “Ugg!”

Me: *stares at him in disbelief*

Caveman #1: “Ugg! Ugg!” *bang* *squeak*

Me: *still maintaining silence*

Caveman #2: “Are we getting service here or not?!” *bang* *squeak*

(A crescendo of grunting student cavemen start to bang each other on the heads with the squeaky clubs and proceed to upset the other punters.)

Me: “Right, that’s enough! You’re not getting f-ugg-ing served and you’re all f-ugg-ing barred!”

(The cavemen left only to be replaced by a group of student girls dressed as nuns. They all got a free drink.)

(A woman had been coming in every day and paying for venti drinks with all the trimmings using service recovery coupons. This went on for about a year and a half, and finally, we were told to stop taking them from her. They were old, we had never given any to her, and she could not have acquired so many of them legitimately.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we can’t take any of these coupons, they’re outdated.”

Coupon Lady: “…but I use these all the time. They always take them!”

Me: “They’re outdated. There are new ones now, and we’re not allowed to take the old ones anymore.”

Coupon Lady: *pays for her drinks, leaves*

(The next day Coupon Lady returns with her husband and tries the same thing.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I told you yesterday, we will not accept any more coupons from you.”

Husband: “I want to speak to your manager.”

(I go and get a manager; the husband commences shouting at manager.)

Manager: “You’ve been using these coupons almost daily since this location opened. We are not going to accept them anymore.”

Husband: “We know the man in charge! WE GOT THESE FROM THE HEAD GUY!”

Manager: “Sir, if you’d actually gotten these coupons from the man in charge, you would know that the man in charge here is a WOMAN.”

This story is part of the Confused-By-Coupons roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

23 Times Retail Workers Got Short-Changed By Their Bad Customers

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(A guy and his wife came into my store to ask about Wiis. The conversation went as follows…)

Man: “Where do you keep your Wiis at?”

Me: “We don’t have any in stock right now.”

Man: “When you gettin’ some?”

Me: “No idea, man. They just ship them to us… We are getting them about once a week, but there’s no set date or anything like that.”

Man: “Uh-huh… so you know the date but you aren’t allowed to tell us.”

Me: “No… I don’t know the date.”

Man’s Wife: “They play it off like it’s a big secret!”

(They leave and the man comes back about 25 minutes later, this time without his wife. He has this giant smile on his face and approaches me next to the counter.)

Man: “Hey, buddy, if you let me know when one of those Wiis comes in, I’ll give you twenty dollars.”

Me: *in a very childlike excited tone* “Twenty dollars?! Really, mister? That will totally cover all my bills and rent and anything else I need but can’t afford because I’ve lost my job!”

Man: “Everybody is a godd**n smarta**…”

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(I work at a city cafe and we open early and get a lot of stupid obviously not morning people coming in. This woman orders two coffees.)

Me: “Here you go, two large flat whites.”

Customer: *takes a sip* “You know, these aren’t really hot. Your coffee isn’t cheap you know. It’s not good enough.”

Me: “I’m sorry, here, let me make you another one.”

(I make her the coffees over, this time as hot as I can without burning the milk.)

Customer: “Look, seriously, they’re still too cold. Make them again!”

(I make the coffees again, this time burning the milk so badly it stinks, burning the coffee shot, and generally doing everything I can to make it a crap coffee. It is, however, really hot.)

Me: “Here you go, I hope that’s a bit better. If you still aren’t satisfied, I can give you a refund.”

Customer: *takes big sip* “FINALLY, THANK you. Would it have been that hard to make it like this before?”

(The only explanation I can think of is that drinking too much hot coffee has burned off her tastebuds.)

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