Way back in the early 1990s, there was an incident at a statewide police convention located in my city. The convention was hosted at a big hotel downtown and had big banners, placed everywhere outside and inside the hotel, welcoming police from all across the state to this convention.

On that day, some guy decided it would be a great idea to rob a hotel. Guess which hotel he picked to rob? Guess how many police cars, uniformed officers, and literal huge signs saying police were in that location at that time, which he ignored as he walked up to the front desk to demand money?

As it happened, he also did this right as a group of cops were walking out of a nearby elevator. They saw him apparently trying to rob the front desk at gunpoint (with the gun concealed under his coat so they could only see the outline of it) and immediately dogpiled and subdued him. When they got him handcuffed, they found that he didn’t even have a real gun. He was just making a gun shape with his hand under his jacket.

Amazingly, this was not an isolated scenario. A guy once tried to rob a retired police chief at gunpoint at a different statewide police convention on the other side of the country. Unsurprisingly, he didn’t get away with it, either.

We’re probably all much safer with geniuses like these behind bars before they try anything else that might have more dangerous results for those around them.

My mom is paralyzed from the waist down, so my dad and I take her out grocery shopping every now and then. She has a motorized wheelchair, but it’s too bulky to take with us to the store, so we bring her non-motorized (push) wheelchair with us.

Dad pushes her around while I pull stuff off the shelves she wants us to get and put them in our cart. Dad has a voice that he’s used in the past to scare people. Just ask old potential boyfriends of mine.

While we’re doing this, another customer begins yelling.

Customer: “Hey, miss?”

She then starts whistling and pointedly clearing her throat. I put the last item in the cart and turn to the customer.

Me: “Can I help you?”

She thrusts a list at me and demands:

Customer: “Get me the stuff on my list.”

I look nothing like the employees; they wear blue from head to toe, basically, and I am wearing a yellow sundress with daisies on it.

Me: “No, I’m helping my mother now. I think there’s an employee at the front desk who can help you.”

She doesn’t like this and reaches out to grab my arm.

Customer: “You will help me now or I will get you fired.”

I shove her away, shouting “NO!” Then, I feel blood running down my arm where her nails have broken the skin on my bicep. Dad looks over and kind of freaks when he sees the blood.

Dad: “Leave my daughter alone!”

My dad’s voice is loud enough to get an employee to rush over.

Employee: “Is there a problem?”

Dad: “This woman just assaulted my daughter. Do you have a first aid kit or something to help her out? I’m going to call the cops while you get this.”

Upon hearing the word “cops”, the lady just sunk to the floor crying and trying to say it was just a misunderstanding. When the cops arrived, I had been bandaged up. The manager had come up, and upon listening to my and my dad’s story, as well as the employee describing the aftermath, the cops went to the back with the manager to check the video. Meanwhile, the lady was crying, saying, “I’ll lose my kids.” — no “sorry” or anything like that. The cops arrested her for assault on a minor and took her away crying.

At the trial later, the two things I most remember are that she was on probation and did indeed lose custody of her kids (I think the father got them), and she tried to say, “It was an honest mistake; I thought she was an employee.” Whereupon the judge said, “Even if she was an employee, what gives you the right to grab someone like this?” while showing her the pictures that were taken of my bloody arm.

She broke into more tears as the judge read her sentence, including the loss of her children due to violating her probation, plus some community service, I think.

Much later, as part of her effort to get her children back, she had to write me a letter of apology, which is still in my parent’s attic in a box.

I am sick as a dog with a massive head cold and have only left my apartment to run to the drug store to pick up medicine. To top things off, “mother nature” came calling this morning, as well.

I’m driving home and have opted to take a less busy street than the main road. Unfortunately, in my congested and frankly should-not-really-be-driving state, I miss a stop sign.

A police car behind me whirls to life and I pull over. The female cop comes up to my window.

Policewoman: “Did you know you missed a stop sign back there?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I’ll admit I didn’t. Here’s the thing. I have the mother of all colds, and my period started today. I am literally oozing slime from every orifice in my body. I just want to get home, take my meds, and sleep for eighteen hours, so please just write me the ticket so I can go.”

The officer takes my papers back to her car for a few minutes and then returns with them.

Policewoman: “Do you live at the address on your license?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Policewoman: “I’m not gonna give you a ticket provided you let me escort you the six blocks back to your apartment. I’m glad you’re on this road instead of the main thoroughfare, but next time, ask a friend to pick up your meds, instead.”

I drive home with the police car behind me the whole way. I do not miss any more stop signs. Once home, she waves at me as I go inside.

Policewoman: “Feel better! No more driving until you do!”

Thank you, empathetic policewoman, for realizing that I was being punished enough that day, even if I did make some royally dumb decisions.

I am driving with my wife and kids to the shore for the weekend. On our way down, a New Jersey state trooper turns around as we pass him and starts following us with his lights on. We pull over, and I hand the officer my information. He quickly studies it and then hands it back.

State Trooper: “Do you know why I’ve pulled you aside, Mr. [My Name]?”

Me: “No, sir. Is one of my lights broken? I’m pretty sure I just replaced them all.”

State Trooper: “There’s an issue with your license plates.”

Me: “Oh? Is it damaged? Did it fall—”

State Trooper: “Your front license plate is missing.”

Me: “What? What do you mean?”

State Trooper: “In New Jersey, you have to have both a proper front and rear license plate, Mr. [My Name].”

Me: “Are you kidding? I’m from Pennsylvania! There’s no such law there!”

State Trooper: “But you’re in New Jersey now. The law says you absolutely have to have both a front and rear plate. You can’t drive here without a front plate. The rear plate alone is not enough.”

For those unaware, the state trooper was technically right in that vehicles registered in New Jersey must have both front and rear plates. However, that law ONLY applies to New Jersey-registered vehicles. Mine is registered in Pennsylvania, which DOES NOT have two-plate laws. The state trooper didn’t care, and he issued a citation for not having a proper front license plate.

I disputed the ticket on the indicated court date, and it was quickly thrown out. Going by the judge’s reaction, it seemed like it wasn’t the first time that particular state trooper had wrongfully cited a Pennsylvania driver for only having one plate.

The next time I went to the shore, the week after the court date, I happened to pass that same state trooper’s cruiser again. Twice. Each time, he had pulled over another car with a Pennsylvania plate, presumably for the same bogus reason he pulled me over.

Many years ago, the local volunteer fire department held drill (training) every Monday night at 6:00 pm. The call signal for the drill was to sound the call sirens three times.

One Monday, a firefighter going to drill saw that the elderly couple who lived just up the street was having a chimney fire.

Naturally, he ran in and told the chief, who called out the department, and then the firefighter telephoned the couple to tell them that the fire department was on the way.

The elderly couple, being hard of hearing, hadn’t noticed the chimney fire… and were somewhat confused to receive a call telling them the fire department was on their way!