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At Least You’re Not Oozing Money, On Top Of Everything!

, , , , , , | Legal | September 22, 2022

I am sick as a dog with a massive head cold and have only left my apartment to run to the drug store to pick up medicine. To top things off, “mother nature” came calling this morning, as well.

I’m driving home and have opted to take a less busy street than the main road. Unfortunately, in my congested and frankly should-not-really-be-driving state, I miss a stop sign.

A police car behind me whirls to life and I pull over. The female cop comes up to my window.

Policewoman: “Did you know you missed a stop sign back there?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I’ll admit I didn’t. Here’s the thing. I have the mother of all colds, and my period started today. I am literally oozing slime from every orifice in my body. I just want to get home, take my meds, and sleep for eighteen hours, so please just write me the ticket so I can go.”

The officer takes my papers back to her car for a few minutes and then returns with them.

Policewoman: “Do you live at the address on your license?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Policewoman: “I’m not gonna give you a ticket provided you let me escort you the six blocks back to your apartment. I’m glad you’re on this road instead of the main thoroughfare, but next time, ask a friend to pick up your meds, instead.”

I drive home with the police car behind me the whole way. I do not miss any more stop signs. Once home, she waves at me as I go inside.

Policewoman: “Feel better! No more driving until you do!”

Thank you, empathetic policewoman, for realizing that I was being punished enough that day, even if I did make some royally dumb decisions.

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