Employee: “What would you like on your sub?”

Me: “I’ll get lettuce, cucumber, green peppers, light mayo, and some black pepper.”

Employee: “Black pepper?”

Me: “Yes.”

Employee: “You mean green peppers?”

Me: “Well, I do want green peppers, but I also want black pepper.”

(The employee looks very confused. She looks down at all the vegetables and looks at the only black vegetable she sees. She points at the olives.)

Employee: “Olives?”

Me: “No, black pepper… you know, like salt and pepper, just without the salt?”

Employee: “OOOH!” *picks up the SALT and puts it on the sub*

Me: “Forget it. Good enough…”

(I am working on a till that frequently has problems with the scanner. I attempt to scan a customer’s item, but the barcode won’t go through and I mouth a swear to myself.)

Customer: “Go on, say it.”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer’s Husband: “What did she do?”

Customer: “Swore under her breath.” *turns back to me* “You can say it. Vents the frustrations!”

Me: “I’m afraid I’m not allowed to swear in front of the customers.”

Customer: “Shall I say it for you?”

Me: “If you like.”

Customer: “Bugg*r!”

Me: “Ah, I feel better now.”

(We have our patients review their insurance/contact information before their visit roughly once a year. This ensures that everything that we have on file is up-to-date.)

Old Man: *looks over information* “There’s something on here that I want to change.”

Old Man’s Wife: “Honey, our address and phone number have been the same for twenty years. What could you want to change?”

Old Man: “Right here where it says ‘Caucasian,’ it should say ‘Native American.'”

Old Man’s Wife: “Why would it need to say ‘Native American?’ You’re not an Indian, honey. You were born in Kentucky.”

Old Man: “Yeah, I was born in Kentucky. Kentucky is in America. I was born in America. That makes me a NATIVE American!” *shakes head*

This story is part of our Native-American roundup.

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Customer: “This may sound odd, but we’re looking for a light with a finish that’s resistant to… um… bird poop.”

Me: “I’m guessing you have a pet? Well, no finish is going to stand up completely to that kind of thing, but we can look at a few things. What kind of light are you looking for?”

Customer: “It’s for over our kitchen table.”

(I proceed to find them some lights. Later on, as I’m helping them out to their car…)

Me: “Oh, I never did ask the name of your bird!”

Customer: “Well, we have about seventy of them. Bye!” *drives off*

Coworker: “Remind me not to accept any of their dinner invitations.”

(I work in a store in a small town where most of the customers are elderly and sweet. If a price doesn’t come up, I will generally trust a customer if they say they know the exact price.)

Me: “Oh, there’s no barcode on this.”

Customer: “Well, it was $39.99, but I guess that doesn’t help you.”

Me: “Well, I can enter it manually. You’re sure it was $39.99?”

Customer: “Actually, it was… $19.99.”

Me: “Sir, do you really want me to call for a price check and make you and all the people behind you wait ten minutes for someone to come up here?”

Customer: *defeated* “…It was $39.99.”

This story is part of our Scammer roundup!

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