The Flashlight Is On But There’s No One Home

, , , , , | Related | February 28, 2021

Dad: “Do you have a flashlight?”

I start to hand him my phone.

Dad: “Right. Phones have flashlights.”

He pulls his phone out and wanders off. A few days later:

Dad: “Do you have a flashlight? I can’t find mine.”

Me: “I use my phone.”

Dad: “Oh! Yes, right.”

He pulls his phone out and wanders off again. The next day:

Dad: “I need a flashlight.”

Wordlessly, I hold my phone up. He rolls his eyes, pulls his out, and walks away. The next day:

Dad: “I can’t tell if the sump pump is working and I don’t have a flashlight in the house, do you—”

I just looked at him. He shrieked in annoyance, pulled his phone out, and stalked off downstairs.

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This Woman Really Understands Book Lovers

, , , , | Friendly | February 25, 2021

I’m at the library, carrying a lot of books.

Random Woman: “Wow! That’s a lot of books! You must want to escape life a lot!”

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Goose/Gander; Dog/Dad

, , , , | Related | February 22, 2021

Me: “The dogs thought they wanted my cup of xylitol. I was like, ‘No, this will literally kill you.’”

Dad: “Why were you eating xylitol?”

Me: “I use it for my tea.”

Dad: “Oookay… but why?”

Me: “My teeth don’t hate it. You know how with sugar, you can feel your teeth get angry? Xylitol doesn’t cause that.”

Dad: “Oh, okay.”

Me: “If you want to try it—”

Dad: “No, I read something about it being toxic to dogs, and I was like, well, if it’ll kill my dog, why do I want to eat it?”

Me: “Chocolate will also kill your dog. Should I stop buying you chocolate, then? Is that what you’re saying?”

Dad: “Wait, what? How dare you use my logic against me?!”

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Because Dad Jokes

, , , , | Related | February 15, 2021

Dad: “Do you like New England clam chowder?”

Me: “No.”

Dad: “It’s good.”

Me: “I don’t like seafood.”

Dad points at the sandwich in my hand.

Me: “This is turkey.”

Dad: “Yeah, but you see it. See-food.”

Me: “…why?

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Breakfast Burrit-No

, , , | Right | February 11, 2021

I work as an assistant manager at a fast food place known for its drive-in appeal. A few months before I started, app ordering was implemented for people to place their orders without having to be at the location. The app settings are simple, but unless you work there, you won’t know the ordering parameters. For one, your GPS automatically selects the closest location to where you currently are, not where you live. And two, unless your pickup time is within five minutes, it won’t go through to us to make it until it’s within those five minutes. People seem to think that if they use the app, they’ll get their order faster, which isn’t always the case, since we serve customers all day long on a first-come, first-served basis.

I have a lady one day not understand this as she orders from the app and shows up after a rush. It’s just my coworker and me working, and I am currently making more breakfast burrito mix.

The system rings to let us know an order has been placed on the app.

Coworker: “Hey, you got a burrito and a drink coming in.”

Me: “Okay, I’m making more burrito mix, so hopefully they won’t be here right away.”

Not even a minute later, the system rings again letting us know the customer has checked in and is waiting.

Coworker: “Well, looks like they’re waiting on fresh burrito mix, huh?”

Me: “Yup. When I finish making the mix, make the drink so it doesn’t get watered down from the ice while it sits.”

Coworker: “Aye, aye, captain.”

A few minutes pass and I finish the burrito mix. The same customer who ordered on the app presses the button outside at the spot she’s parked in. My coworker answers the headset, which I am also on, as it makes preparing food much easier and faster.

Coworker: “Thank you for choosing [Restaurant]. My name is [Coworker]. Anything I can add to your order for you?”

Customer: “No. What you can do is bring me my food and drink. I’ve already paid on the app and I’ve been waiting for ten minutes already!”

She hasn’t been waiting ten minutes. The order is on a timer from when she ordered on the app and when she checked in, so she’s been really waiting for about five minutes.

Coworker: “I apologize for the wait on that. We just finished a big rush before you got here and we’re currently making more burrito mix.”

Me: “Go ahead and tell her the mix is done and her burrito will be out shortly.”

Before my coworker can say anything, the customer starts speaking again.

Customer: “You know what, just refund my order and bring me my drink. I don’t care about the burrito.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, I’m unable to do both. I can bring your drink and burrito, as we just finished making the burrito mix, or I can cancel your order, but I’m unable to do both.”

Customer: “Just bring me my drink, man! I don’t care what you can or can’t do!”

Coworker: “Sure.” 

My coworker hangs up on the headset and turns to me.

Coworker: “So, since you heard all that and you’re also making the food, and you happen to be the manager on duty, you wanna take this order to her?”

Me: “Yeah, might as well; otherwise, it could get worse. Did you make the drink?”

Coworker: “Yeah, while she was yelling about wanting the refund.”

I finish making her totally fresh burrito, which takes about a minute to do, bag it up, set it on our delivery tray with her drink, and head to her car. Once I get there, I start the usual greeting.

Me: “Hello, how are you? Sorry for the wait on that; we were making you a fresh burrito.”

Customer: “Yeah, I don’t care. I told the guy who answered the headset I didn’t want the burrito and I just wanted the drink!”

Me: “Right, right, but since the burrito mix was already done when you said that to him, I figured it best to give you your entire order.”

She reaches out and tears her drink and food from my tray before I can hand it to her.

Customer: “I don’t care! You guys took forever to get me my stuff. I ordered on the app so I could get it faster. I’m already late for work and it’s all your fault! I might lose my job now because of you lazy people!”

Me: “I apologize for that, and I assure you it wasn’t our intent; we just had a—”

Customer: “I already told you I don’t care! I don’t want to hear any excuses! My food should have been ready first!”

At this point, she’s starting to back out of her spot to leave.

Me: “Well, once again, I apologize, and regardless of all that has happened, I hope you have a good day.”

Customer: “Yeah? Well, I hope you have a s***ty day. I’m calling corporate to complain about how badly you guys suck at your job!”

She puts her car in drive and speeds out of our lot, driving on the wrong side as she leaves. I go back inside and talk with my coworker.

Coworker: “So, how’d it go?”

Me: “Oh, you know, the usual.”

Coworker: “Gotcha. Apologized and still got torn into.”

We had a good laugh after it was all done, but people need to understand that ordering on the app doesn’t make you get your food any faster, especially if it’s the morning hours. Other people want breakfast burritos, too!

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