Me: “For a quick cup of tea, this is a simple infuser to use.”

Customer: “Infuser? What’s that mean?”

Me: “Oh, it’s just another word for something that you use to steep tea in hot water.”

Customer: “What’s that mean?”

Me: “Steep? It’s just another word for brewing.”

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: “It means ‘make tea’.”

Customer: “Oooooh!”

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23 Times The Police Made It Official That Stupid Is A Crime

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Me: “Tech support, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Why are you holding my website to ransom?”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “I pay you good money every month and now you’re holding my site to ransom to sell your cookies!”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Customer: “I went to my site and when I tried to add to cart, it came up saying I couldn’t until I bought some cookies! I never agreed to this and I’m going to sue!”

Me: “Sir, cookies are just a computing term. What you saw was the page explaining that you have cookies switched off and telling you how to turn them on.”

Customer: “Cookies! Blackberries! Well, I don’t know these kinds of technical things!”

Customer: “I ordered a large prime rib last time I was here and it was awful! I want a new one.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, I will be happy to remake it for you. We’ll have it ready for you in a few minutes.”

(I make a sandwich while the woman strolls over to the chips, hides a bag in her jacket and takes it to her truck. She comes inside with a water bottle, fills it up with soda and takes a seat.)

Me: “Ma’am, your sandwich is ready. So you had a large prime rib and a bag of chips.”

Customer: “I didn’t have chips!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, you took a bag of chips to your truck. We have it on camera.”

Customer: “Okay, maybe I got chips.”

Me: “And I have to charge you for a medium drink.”

Customer: “I didn’t get a drink!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. You filled up your water bottle with soda.”

Customer: “But it’s my water bottle!”

Me: “Yes, but you filled it with our soda. We have you on camera.”

Customer: “Okay, maybe I did that. But my sandwich is still free, right?”

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(I work at a major big-box retailer known for its employees that wear red shirts and khaki pants.)

Customer: “I lost my credit card!”

Me: “What is your name and what kind of card is it?”

(The customer gives that information and I check the lost and found.)

Me: “Sorry, ma’am. I don’t have it here. Do you know where you lost it?”

Customer: “At the checkout.”

Me: “Do you remember which one? Do you have your receipt? That would help me figure it out.”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you remember who helped you?”

Customer: “Well, she was wearing a red shirt…”

(Someone has been sleeping on a chair poolside for many hours. It’s routine to wake a customer if they’re getting too badly burned.)

Me: “Excuse me, miss? You must wake up. You are getting badly sunburned.”

Customer: *sleepily* “Where am I? Is this Hogwarts?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “Narnia?”

Me: “Nope.”

Customer: “Camp Half-Blood?”

Me: “Not even close.”

Customer: *pauses* “Well, s***, then.”

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