(A customer calls in complaining how his service is out.)

Me: “Are there lights on your modem?

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Can you check to see if the power cable is plugged in, or the power turned on?”

Caller: “I am standing knee-deep in water and you want me to check for a power cable?!”

(It turned out he had been calling from an area that had been hit by a hurricane.)

This story is part of our Customers Versus Mother Nature roundup!

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Me: “Hello, this is [Bank]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I deposited money through your ATM yesterday and it still isn’t showing up in my account.”

Me: “Okay, sir, can I just get the card number from the ATM card that you used to make the deposit.”

Customer: “I didn’t use a card.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I might have misunderstood. Did you make your deposit into the ATM or the night drop box?”

Customer: “No, I put it into your machine but I didn’t use a card. I didn’t need one.”

Me: “Sir, I still don’t understand how you could have made your deposit into the ATM without using a card. Could you please describe the steps you went through?”

Customer: “I drove up to the machine, filled out an envelope, and stuffed it into the little door that said deposit, but I didn’t use no card.”

Me: “Sir, the deposit door on the machine will not open without a card. How exactly did you put the envelope in?”

Customer: “Whoever designed those machines is a freaking moron. I couldn’t figure out how to open the little door so I got my pocket knife out and pried the door open. Then I stuffed the envelope with my deposit in there as best I could and drove away!”

This story is part of the Ignorant About Money roundup!

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(A bookstore customer hands me a copy of the re-release of ‘101 Dalmatians.’)

Customer: “What does re-mastered mean?”

Me: “They just made the colors brighter and the sound better.”

Customer: “Oh, so it’s the same as before?”

Me: “Yeah, just brighter colors and better sound.”

Customer: “They didn’t change the story or anything?”

Me: “No, it’s just brighter colors and better sound.”

Customer: “Did they make the dogs cuter?”

(Halfway into a three hour and forty-five minute flight, a well-dressed and seemingly educated passenger rings her call button. She is frantic.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Passenger: “I’m going to miss my connecting flight!”

Me: “No, we’re on time. All connections will be made.”

Passenger: “No! I’m going to miss my connection!”

Me: “All reservations are made so as to give you plenty of time to make your connecting flights, even if we’re a little late. But we’re scheduled to arrive on time today.”

Passenger: “Well, if we arrive on time, then I will miss my connection!”

Me: “May I see your ticket, please?”

Passenger: “I. Don’t. Think. You. Understand! It is a three-hour and 45-minute flight. So if we left Philadelphia at 9, then we won’t get into Denver until 12:45. MY flight leaves at noon. SO, YOU SEE, I AM GOING TO MISS MY FLIGHT!”

Me: “Oh, oh… No… Denver is on Mountain Standard Time. We arrive 10:45.”

Passenger: “10:45?! How is that possible? Do you even know what you’re talking about?!”

Me: “Philadelphia is on Eastern Standard Time.”

Passenger: *blank stare*

Me: “Philly and Denver are in different time zones. There’s a two-hour time difference.”

Passenger: *blank stare*

(I try to explain to this 40-something woman the concept of time zones. When that doesn’t work, I explain that it’s not the same time everywhere in the world at the exact moment of every day. She doesn’t get it until I explain that that is why we have night and day.)

Passenger: “Oh. Whew. Thank you!”

Customer: “Where can I find your carrot tops?”

Me: “We don’t sell carrot tops, but you can buy the whole carrot.”

Customer: “But I need to feed my rabbit her carrot tops!”

Me: “If people buy carrots, would you like me to ask them if they’d like their carrot tops cut off, and I can save them for you?”

Customer: “Oh, that’d be lovely! I’ll come back next week after her therapy session. Her therapist thinks she has an anxiety disorder.”

This story is part of our crazy pet owner roundup!

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