Caller: “I was wondering what stains you can get out of fabric? Can you get everything out?”

Me: “What is the stain, exactly?”

Caller: “Well, I was watching this woman on telly and I got a bit excited–”

Me: *cuts him off* “–Oh, yes, we can get THAT out.”

Caller: “Do you want to know who it was?”

Me: “Ummm…”

Eavesdropping Coworker: *grabs phone* “Ooh, yes, tell us!”

Caller: “Dolly Parton. She really does it for me!”

(All unusual customer requests from that day forward were known as ‘Dolly Partons.’)

This story is part of the Customers-Sharing-TMI roundup!

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Me: “Good evening! You have reached [Campground]. How can I help?”

Customer: “Excuse me, miss, but will I need my parka? I hear it’s only 28 degrees up there today.”

Me: “I wouldn’t imagine so. It’s hot and sunny outside. Everyone here is wearing shorts and t-shirts.”

Customer: “Are you crazy?! It’s 28 degrees!”

Me: “Sir, that’s in degrees Celsius.”

Customer: “What do you mean Celsius? Is that like the number on the thermometer? Are your thermometers smaller in Canada? Is that why it’s 28?”

Me: *gives up* “Yes. Have a great night.”

This story is part of the fourth Geography roundup!

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Me: “Hi, is there anything I can help you find today?”

Male Customer: “Well, yeah, I’m trying to get something for my wife. It’s her birthday.”

(He finally decides on a sweater.)

Me: “Okay, now what size would you say your wife is?”

Male Customer: “Um, well, she’s kind of small… maybe about your size. What size are you?”

Me: “Well, I’m a small, so if she’s a similar height and build–”

Male Customer: “She’s about the same size, I guess… except thinner and with bigger boobs.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I bought these games yesterday, and I don’t want them. I want my money back.”

Me: “Sorry, but I can’t give you cashback. I can exchange them for credit so you can choose something else.”

Customer: “I was not told that when I bought them.”

Me: “Yeah, sorry… but we do have signs up.” *I point to two of these signs*

Customer: “Well, I’m illiterate, so I couldn’t know! Now give me my f****** money!”

Me: “As I said, I am sorry, but I can only do it as credit.”

Customer: “But, there was no way I could know that when I bought them! I’m illiterate!”

Me: “Well, there was no way we could know that when you bought them. Perhaps you could get a sign?”

This story is part of the Customers-Ignoring-Signs roundup!

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Customer: “I am calling to let you know that you are running an illegal operation.”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Customer: “That’s right! My computer says so right on the screen!”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s a Microsoft error message that says, ‘Your program has performed an illegal operation.'”

Customer: “There is nothing wrong with my computer! I have a 15-inch neck!” *hangs up*

(I assume the customer was referring to her monitor… a 15-inch NEC.)